I had composed a bit of an essay for this but then I find it is limited to 2500 characters. Mine was over 16,000 so I have to forget all my carefully composed thoughts which I hoped would get across my feelings - so here it is in bullet form:
* I am a 50 years old male and never been able to have a relationship due to a crippling fear of intimacy and a range of internal and external barriers to long to discuss in 2500 Characters. And no I'm not a creep or mysogynist. I am profoundly lonely and despite craving the companionship, affection and sexual contact of a woman I cannot overcome the barriers, so I live a stifled empty life. I have been ridiculed and patronised for my situation so i just hide now.
* After a suicide attempt in my twenties I had15 years of therapy and medications which did not help one bit and now I find myself feeling like it is all over and I cannot believe that therapy can help me. I have delved deep into my problems with various counsellors and psychiatrists so there is nothing more to add to my knowledge of myself. I know my limitations well. I recently thought about therapy again but I see the same promises...
* I think my personality and deep seated confidence problems are not very treatable. I think claims of therapy efficacy for such things is baseless or exaggerated.
* I would find it less frightening to take my own life than somehow challenge my fear of intimacy in order to have a woman in my life, so I feel like my future will either be a slow lonely decay or I will suicide.
* I'm sick of the b------t promises of the world of counselling. It is a field of health care that is far too young and under-developed trying to fix massive, complex and poorly understood problems to be of much help to many people. I have seen many friends similarly promised much from counsellors only to find no real lasting outcomes. Once a promise of help fails - the hope dies further still.
I wrote a lot more but what is the point. Maybe someone will try to cheer me up with words of encouragement but that will not help any more than the ineffective "nothings" counsellors have offered me over the years - but still, thank you for reading.
Happy Valentines Day from a miserable git.