Thanks for your support - that post by Juliet was great - it is the same clinic I am booked into on Friday - strange that ???
I am a bit more confident about it now, as there is some scary stuff on the net..
The wife thing - I know she will support me, but not sure about her agreeing with me doing the ECT thing, but need to first make up my own mind and then let her know what I have decided.
I have dragged then through the ringer in the last few years and it seems really unfair to tell them every thought I have, cause I feel so different on different days, and can have multiple mood swings in a few hours, and struggle to make descisions, as I dont trust my judgement anymore, so riding them emotionally is unfair on them, until I am sure, and they are the only "stable" part of my life at the moment.
I dont have friends, as I tend to annoy people with the mood swings and either feel or dont feel like them and it shows, so, over the past few years I have lost all my mates, so dont want to put extra pressure on my family to take that place - my wife is the most important person in the world to me and needs to be protected from my dramas..
I have some complicated life issues here and have had a bad run in the health department in the last few years, and it has taken its toll on my family..
I blacked out at work a few times for no reason, and after a few docs, shrink and a nuerologist, found out I had a heart rythym problem and had a pacemaker fitted.. ever since then I have felt like a second grade husband, employee and friend/person, and started getting depressed, sought councellining and went through 3 shrinks - not much choice here in Perth.. my mental health plan anly lasted a few months and I stopped therapy, fell off the bus again, and just upped and went looking for a natural solution.. told my HR manager, and he was cool - I took 40 days off work, and went on meditation and yopga retreats, and sought help from an Australian councellor in Bali - this helped and I returned to work in January.. needless to say, a month away from the dfamily to find myself went down like a ton of bricks.. and the fallout at work on my return is playing out now... I was overlooked for the annual bonus last month and that set me on a downward spiral again.. and this job is the only constant thing I have - I rely on it for my Life insurance, Private health and stuff like that, and pretend my colluges are my mates to fill that space in my life.. now it looks like its on a downward spiral too.. so have to get this ECT in before they let me go...
Pressure, pressure... not what I need now, and I cant tell my wife this, as she will just worry more..
My GP just keeps prescribing SSRI's and they put me in a really bad place.. like "adverse effects and foggy head and memory loss - I work in a high profile oil and gas place, in a responsible finacial role, and cant have this kind of issue with what I do, but it is real and it takes every ounce of effort just to get to work, then the emergency effort to stay here and do my job, which I thought at least that I was doing well, now they have got my replacement in and expecting me to train him..
...almost at breaking point, so need to do someting quickly, before all this plays itself out..