Hello everyone. I just signed up and thought i'd give this a go. I'm really not good at talking to people but things are progressing and I think I need some help. I'm 20 years old and my father passed away in 2016 when I was 15. I now live in a household with two sisters and my mum, and my grandmother stays with us a lot for support. I miss my dad so much, he helped me so much.
I guess I find it really difficult to live at home, being the only boy I feel a little secluded from the rest of my family. We still get along, but I feel like an outlier. My sisters do things together that I don't necessarily want to do and my mum does her own thing. I see my friends often and that is when I am most happy. When I am at home however I don't always feel happy, and often I feel quite depressed. I don't want to talk about this with my family and the only reason i'm on here is due to anonymity. Lately it seems to be getting picked up by my mum though, she says she doesn't talk to me much and that i'm always so closed with my answers, like I don't want to talk to her or that i don't care about her. I love my mum and everything she does for me, but I guess i don't show it. This is something I want to work on. I want to work on my relationship with my family and not be the outlier. I don't know how to though.
But also, theres so many small things that go on in my life that cause me to be upset and I think they all build up and make me sad and that causes me to be isolated from my family, I just want to deal with everything myself and not get anyone involved. On new years 2021 I got quite drunk and talked with a close friend and opened up about some of my issues, which I have never done with anyone before. We would still occasionally talk about it but then I told her I think everything's fine because I don't want to talk about it with anyone, but things are not fine and honestly just get worse. I just don't know what to do now? I don't want to see a counsellor or doctor and I don't want to talk to anyone and I keep saying to myself I'll figure things out, but for the last 5 years (since my father passed) I just haven't felt happy all the time. I really enjoyed having another male in the house who would always support me.
So, I don't know if I have a problem or not or what to do. I honestly just don't know whats going on but I'm sad more than I'm happy and this has been happening for 5 years but really bad in the last 2 years. Life is just sucking for me.