ok, it seems clear to me that you are well looked after by professional medical staff so I’ll leave that well alone.
You do Remind me of myself pre 1983 at 26yo when, due to my family’s toxicity, I was a very negative individual.
You shouldn’t beat yourself up with this possibility, we are what we are from many factors however we can be who we should be through a change of approach.
Changing from a negative unmotivated person to a positive one is life changing if you achieve it. It usually needs a prompt or shake up of some kind. I got my change at a motivation lecture
beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life
Fast track to now and the CV is a good example. As bad as this virus can effect our lives for the negative, positives can be found, eg it will wake some people up that they have been in a good stable world and now might appreciate what they have... or.., we can value sanitation more...or... the world will be faster in reacting next time and so on.
Other approaches to this period is distractions and variety even creativity. Eg planning your life AFTER the virus is gone, hobbies etc. a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Please don’t misunderstand, I do know how you feel. To change this needs a solid approach and results come over time
Try googling YouTube Maharaji Prem Rawat videos that are inspiring eg
youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset
youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat the perfect instrument
and so many more, watch one per day, you’ll see the vision. It isn’t religion btw.
beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get
beyondblue topic worry worry worry
beyondblue topic triggers that down you, triggers that lift you
Beyondblue topic depression, the timing of motivation
There is thousands of threads on this site- you can use search at the top.
Repost anytime. Great talking