Thanks for the kind words UltimaMic.
Being a loner and having no friends (and not understanding why) has been my whole life. Looking through Facebook pages of my school group, I see photos of parties that my school mates had I never knew existed as I was never invited at the time. That sort of things makes you wonder.
After what happened with my neighbour and how down I felt afterwards, I promised myself that 2021 would be my year. I put all negative thoughts of the past behind me and just wanted concentrate on the wonderful future ahead of me. That lasted six months and I was was fairly content going on 20km hikes every weekend on my own but always wished I had company to enjoy the beautiful views with.
It's just really been the last couple of months that the negative thoughts (I'm not good enough, nobody wants to know me, I'll never be loved etc) have come back. I think I'm just taking losing my only friend harder than I want to admit to myself. I want her to be happy and enjoy herself. She has her whole life ahead of her and I'm thrilled for her, just sad I can't be part of that. (To put it in context, she's from Nepal on a student visa, so most of her friends are her own age and culture).
Anyway, I'll have a think about seeing a doctor but I'm very proud and find it extremally difficult asking for help. I'm a giver, not a taker. I've never wanted to have to have drugs to make me feel better, just suck it up and live with things. Maybe I need to change that attitude and put up the white flag...
I've thought about joining a bushwalking club or something but I'm so used to being on my own and being an introvert it can be tiring surrounded by people.
So yeah, I know what I need to do (get out of my comfort zone, like I did on those dates), but knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two different things.
I'm sure I'll be fine in the end but have been extremely down these last few weeks. I suppose one good thing is I'm losing weight by not eating so it will make those up hill climbs easier when hiking again 🤨