Hi Peter,
I felt so much sadness when I read your words. I sensed your feelings of regret, loneliness and pain. Also, I understand you’re struggling with feelings of low self worth, which is very painful...
I know gaming has been a huge part of your life, to the point that you now feel addicted to it. I’m wondering if you now use it (not necessarily consciously) to escape current feelings of pain and to fill a void of sorts. I’m not personally addicted to gaming, but speaking generally, I think addictions are often about escapism from emotional pain and/or trying to fill a void or emptiness or loneliness.
For example, I sometimes rely on alcohol as a form of escapism and avoidance from my own pain. I know that’s not the same as gaming, but in terms of reliance and addiction, I think similar principles of pain escapism can apply to both (to some extent at least).
I wonder if you have spoken to a professional (e.g. phone counsellor, GP, etc) about this. They might have practical ideas to help you, and be able to provide some personalised emotional support. If you haven’t spoken to a professional, do you think this is something you might like to consider? Just a gentle, little idea...
Also, I hear your conflicted feelings regarding your birth gender. I know you said that you wish to have been born female...I imagine those feelings would be very confusing and painful...I’m here listening and caring if you wish to talk about that more...
Sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve been particularly helpful, but I still wanted to try to offer some support. It would be lovely to hear from you again when and if you feel like writing. No pressure though, but just know there’s support and caring here is you need it.
Kindness and warmth,
Pepper