Decided to join this "Beyond Blue" thing ... see where it leads. To confront my "depression", caused by a severe head injury with permanent frontal lobe damage (where all of those feel good endorphins were once produced) I began writing down my thoughts and revisiting my life (even the darkest parts that I'd pushed to the back of my mind and locked in a box and placed in a deep dark dungeon ... or so I'd thought). Rediscovering that box and unlocking its contents not only released the memories but it also brought back to life the ghosts and demons that embodied them. Mine hasn't been a "Wonderful Life" but hey - it's what I was served & it's all I have ... and facing my demons has brought me to a place of understanding that I wouldn't have attained any other way.
The following is one of my first poems expressing my depression, as I began that journey of self-discovery. Reading it now I hardly recognize the person I was when I wrote it, but I know it was just a slightly younger version of myself at my most fragile and desperate. That is both the joy and the pain of changing and growing and becoming someone more than one once was. Sometimes the tears still come, but they are no longer tears of desperation. For those of you still going through this phase, please know that it will pass if you allow it to. Depression can actually become a friend and mentor on the journey to ones own self enlightenment. Never give up.
‘BEYOND BLUE’ 2006
"They say it’s blue
I know it’s grey. I see no colour, there is no day
It’s dull inside, my mind’s a fog
-- It’s all the pills they’ve got me on.
I can not sleep
I dare not wake,
This hurt inside just wont abate --
And so I stare
Into my dark and find in there a dying spark.
It is not hope, all hopes been crushed
-- but it is life
If only dust.
I am that dust, from rock well worn -- torn from mountain eaten by worm.
I am the sea in every vein,
From river flows and gentle rains --
I am the air with every breath,
So even dead
I am at rest.
And when I die
I will return,
Many poems and stories now fill books and novels that I hope one day will be published. If not they have still all helped me to come to a place of acknowledgement that, like you, I am also a unique and gifted individual on the same path to greater self awareness and enlightenment.