You're a beautiful and brilliant combination, I must say. A creative writer, a carer of others, a 'feeler' (sensitive in so many powerful ways), an occasional risk taker/life changer, a mum, a philosopher and so much more.
As a 51yo gal, I find the older I get the more some things can become a little fearful. I figure it's because the parts of me that are destined to come to life are the parts of me I'm either not entirely aware yet of or I simply haven't learned to fully channel. I believe we have a whole stack of facets to us. If you can imagine an old style wagon wheel, at the core there is the hub or the core sense of self. All the spokes are the different aspects or offshoots of who we are. It's a matter of 'pick your spoke' when it comes to which part of us we need to bring to life at any given time. Whether it's the creative aspect, the fearless one, the analyst, the demanding and self respecting aspect, the feeler, the sage or some other part, they're all there.
Perhaps it is 'the cartographer' you're looking to channel, a part that is able to map the way forward. If so, I can relate. Personally, I can't stay in the place I'm in for much longer. That place is a depressing marriage. With my husband being a basically nice guy, we've just grown apart to the point where we see and feel life so differently. He's more inclined to shut down communication that leads him to feel uncomfortable, rather than open it up in ways that help the relationship evolve. Basically, I have to suppress parts of myself so as not to rock the boat too much. As you would know Belle, being a people pleaser has its down side. It can get depressing. Having escaped 15 or so years of depression some time back, I vowed never to go there again and I'd do whatever it took not to. What does my map look like? Not sure. I never really thought about channeling 'the cartographer' in me until now. I have you to thank for that. Chatting with you has triggered me to greater consciousness and it's much appreciated.
Belle, I've found one of the key strengths of a gaslighter to be...the can easily mess with our imagination. How dare they. The imagination is a beautiful and incredibly powerful thing yet, when manipulated, can create a kind of hell on earth at times. It's unfair what your mum and partner have led you to imagine over the years. Imagine you're not the problem. Imagine yourself as actually having been the solution, when it comes to other people's evolution.