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Forums / Welcome and orientation / I dont know how to supportmy husband who is depressed

Topic: I dont know how to supportmy husband who is depressed

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hopeful86
    Hopeful86 avatar
    3 posts
    9 November 2018

    Hi all, first time posting but long time reader !

    I came to this site many times reading simular stories to mine and yet i have found myself still scrolling through and not any closer to answers.

    My husband and i have been together for 15 years, we have 3 children and over the last few years he has became severly depressed.

    I try to be there for him to support him ,ask if he is ok and generally do anything to make his life easier.

    Yet the whole house hold walks on egg sheels hoping to not upset him.

    He gets angry so angry at the smallest things and he is so insecure i feel bad even going to the movies incase it upsets him. I feel in this whole process ive lost who i am. Constantly trying to make him happy yet always being blamed for every small thing . And everything is always my fault. When he gets mad he yells and screams at me and call me names and tells me its my fault he is this way and he has no one. I just feel so down all the time and so anxious i dont know how to make him happier. I have gotten him to go to a counsellor and seek medical advice . I dont know what ican do . But life has became a misserable existence,where we r ok for a few weeks untill i do something that sets him off. Thankyou for listening.

  2. blondguy
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    blondguy avatar
    8211 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to Hopeful86

    Hello Hopeful86

    Welcome and thank you so much for being a long term reader too :-)

    I understand your pain as when I had depression my patience was limited and I was reactive towards the people in my life.....unfortunately. When a person has a short fuse and they bite at the smallest trigger it is usually a sign of not only pent up frustration but a tired mind as well.

    Can I ask if your husband has actually been diagnosed with depression? When you mentioned he yells and screams.....that is a tired mind trying to cope with its own exhaustion......at the expense of the people that are trying to provide him with some TLC. Just a note if I can....depression as an illness is no excuse for yelling or screaming at anyone else

    You can only do so much in the difficult situation you have mentioned Hopeful86. I am so sorry that your life has become miserable during this period. Please excuse me for another question.....Do you children hear any of the raised voices when your husband is unwell?

    Can I also ask how your husband went after you organised the counselor? When I was at this stage I had to get frequent counseling so I could slowly start to heal.....from the depression

    The forums are a safe and non judgmental place where you can post.

    you are not alone here in any way '86

    I hope you can post back when its convenient for you :-)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  3. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    1437 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to Hopeful86

    Hopeful86,

    Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

    Depression makes us think the worst of ourselves, and displays itself in other forms as well as you are finding out. Unlike a broken arm or similar, with depression and anxiety you don't know how long you are "out of action" for. Will I truly get over it? Or will I just have to manage?

    This is not really a question you need to answer here, but can I ask how long your husband has been seeing the counsellor? I have been seeing a psychologist for over a year, every 2 weeks and these things take time. Unfortunately. I am not saying this to make you feel worse. Some people take longer, others shorter. We are all different or unique. I also take AD medication. One of the things my psych gets me to do also is talk abut some of things I talk to her about to my wife so that she gets an understanding of where I am at. Again different people, different circumstances. (And I do not retell the entire session to my wife!)

    There are many things that can help us manage with depression. For example, my psychiatrist also put me onto a sleep hygiene thing, because I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. And something as simple as not drinking coffee after 4pm helped. That was only part of my puzzle.

    There are also resources on the beyond blue web site for partner. If you have not checked, here is the link...

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

    You might also get ideas from the threads also...

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/struggling-to-find-best-way-to-support-a-partner-with-depression-help!-

    If you want to find other articles, try this search in google "beyond blue support for partners". Of course, chatting here can be helpful also. As Paul said, the forums here are safe, and you will be supported by the people here.

    All the best,

    Tim

  4. Hopeful86
    Hopeful86 avatar
    3 posts
    10 November 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Thankyou so much for your reply. It was nice yo hear some of your thoughts on his behaviour.and really appreciate the reply.

    To answer some of your questions He was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. But has only receantly started counseling about 3 months ago. He feels the sessions are not helping him and wants to stop. He however has happy to go after i nll organised it. He has gone of the medication he was prescribed also saying it dosnt help him. Im thinking maybe i look for a new counsellor maybe he isnt jelling with this one or mayeb he isnt going enough ? Every 3 weeks atm. Kind regards Amanda

  5. Hopeful86
    Hopeful86 avatar
    3 posts
    10 November 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Thankyou tim . I will look through all thoose links .

    He has only been to counselling a short while so maybe i just need to be more patient and understanding when he gets upset and angry.

    He dosnt tell me much from the sessions which im fine with as they are private. But he says alot that he feels alone and has no one. I dont know how to reassure him im here . I seem to say all the wrong things which only upsets him more. Or i dont seem to pick up quick enough hes feeling down untill he blows up. And its all my fault again. Sorry for venting im just feeling lost too. Ill definetly look through the links you sent and thankyou for providing an insight to how lomg counselling can take and triggers too . Kind regards

  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    1437 posts
    10 November 2018 in reply to Hopeful86

    Hopeful86,

    Venting is fine.

    On you not picking up if/when he is down... It is not your fault for not being able to detect this. I don't know about your husband, but maybe he is trying to hold it in. But there is a point at which that no longer works and then explodes. And you might not be saying the wrong things, except they are interpreted differently to what you intended.

    Yes the sessions are private, and it is also my choice as well. Basically it is just about being more open with my partner about how things are. I was not meaning your husband should reveal any/all.

    May I ask if your husband goes out much? I had/have friend(s) who would take me out for coffee each week. Just a way of finding some pleasure in the days. A bit of context might help here, but leave that for a later post.

    I am no counsellor, merely someone with depression and anxiety. But if you have any questions I will do my best to answer them. Might give you an insight. Finally you and your husband are not alone. There are lots of other people who have mental health issues but dont talk about it. But that is a different topic.

    Tim

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Lovey85
    Lovey85 avatar
    4 posts
    10 November 2018 in reply to Hopeful86

    Hi Hopeful86, would like to also say that my husband has also been diagnosed with depression and has anger issues for approx 2 1/2 years. Some days when on medication he is joyful and bubbly and when he is not on meds then he is withdrawn and "in his head". I do feel that our family is suffering as a consequence and have started to feel anxious and sad at times.

    The most important thing besides supporting hubby and kids is to take time out for yourself. Go to the gym, do a food shop alone, get a haircut, whatever gives you time alone to selfcare. I also am a believer of God and praying and attending church also helps. You are not alone 😊

  8. ThatEmoNonbinary
    ThatEmoNonbinary avatar
    10 posts
    11 November 2018 in reply to Hopeful86

    Hello Hopefull86,

    I'm sorry your husband has this. I'm quite young at sixteen but i hope to help if i can...

    With his therapy sessions you've mentioned, it takes up to six or eight to notice much of a difference. But unfortunately as it often is with mental disorders, he needs to meet the therapist halfway, if that makes any sense.

    You however, might also want to attend seperate therapy sessions for yourself. It sounds like this is straining you a lot mentally and physically, and you could benefit from talking with a professional also. In doing this, it could also help you gain tactics to cope and help him cope.

    As a person suffering with similar problems, maybe try the following things for when he's feeling agitated or sad. Remember that a lot of the time it's smaller actions that help much more than the bigger...

    1. Give him some headphones and have him go on a walk somewhere peaceful. Maybe make a playlist of calm songs he likes mixed with ones that might have a nostalgic but happy memory. like a clique 80's mixtape gift to help fight off those nasty inner monsters! If hes a beach kind of person, have him take a 45 minute walk on the beach. If he's more of a country guy, find a nice nature reserve or bush walk nearby and have him go on a nice 45 minute walk. Go with him the first one or two times, if he wants you to, before letting himself have some time to go on his own and think things over. It's psychologically proven to help and my mum used to do the same thing with me and it helped bring down my anger. (even if i got moody in the beginning and tried to get out of it)
    2. Dance. put on a nice slow song when you're alone or with your kids. Or put on a cheesy pop song and jump around like idiots. Just do it randomly when he looks like he's feeling sad or down (probably not when hes grouchy though... maybe put on soft music and make hot chocolate. not coffee.)
    3. You mentioned he is insecure a lot, and theres a lot of things online to help support an insecure partner such as randomly complementing him. Don't be extravagant, or over do it. But for example, when hes playing or doing something with your kids offhandedly mention something like "they really love spending time with you" or "you're a great dad". When he's doing something, just complement it. People need to compliment each other more. say things such as "you did a great job with ..." or "i love you" or "youre good at..."
    4. DONT LET HIS PROBLEMS BECOME YOURS! look after yourself and dont become absorbed!
    1 person found this helpful

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