Hey beyond blue community, this is my first time posting. I have never really known how to deal with my problems other than by bottling them up and consistently over thinking, over stressing and getting negative and down grading thoughts about myself like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not adventurous enough, not outgoing enough, I haven't achieved enough, I rush into things to quickly, I feel too much or not enough. I feel disconnected, lost, unmotivated and like I am a hundred thousand miles away from who I used to be or who I wanted to be.

I have struggled in primary and high school education and I was bullied through both. My father worked in different states my whole life and when he was around it was always "why aren't you more girly?" "why aren't you like this or that?" (I have recently started trying to build a relationship with my father but he still feels like a stranger.)
My mother always had her hands full with my older brother who is 2 years older than me and has autism and adhd. My mother and I have never had a close relationship even though we always tried. I always tried so hard in school, on birthdays, with housework and our animals to get her attention for longer than a minute but I was always made to feel like it wasn't good enough or I wasn't doing it right. (She still makes me feel this way.)
My brother and I were close when we are younger. I helped look after him but as we grew up, he stayed in his bedroom playing games on whatever console was best at the time and we grew apart. I look at him now, 26 years old still at home, hasn't had a job since year 9 work experience and I worry about him, about the kind of life he is having or will have when mum isn't around to care for him but he refuses any help or suggestions. (He is more than capable of working and living outside of his 4 walls)

I hardly had decent friends who had my back or who didn't constantly take from me without giving back so I learnt to keep to myself. I started seeking validation, love and everything I was lacking from my family and friends in toxic relationships with toxic guys. I slowly started changing to suit their wants and needs, doing everything for them and nothing for myself.

I have lost my identity or never really developed one to begin with, I sometimes feel like I just need someone to listen, to tell me a different side or just to understand me. I feel like an empty shell with nothing but pain and my past floating around, always pleasing others.

Dear Audacity21~

Welcome here, this is a place where you will be listened to, valued and may even get some encouragement and suggestions that might help. Deciding to post here was a good move.

I'm sure there are many good moves inside you. Reading I get the impress on of someone who is sensitive, has insight into herself around her, and is caring. Someone to value.

If a person is constantly put down, by word or action, or not valued then they start to lose self-worth. I don't know why.

Your life has been very hard -so far. A father often absent, and wiht a silly idea of what you ought to be. A mother preoccupied with your brother and failing as a result to see the efforts and successes you have made.

A brother who is someone you worry about, plus being bullied.

It is no wonder you feel like you do, and as you have worked out trying to get into relations with users is no answer -quite the opposite. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding or reading too much into what you say, but trying to do anything to please those abusive people so you would be accepted and liked is never going to work out well, you just end up feeling isolated and worse.

Look, I'm not saying anything you do not already know. The important thing is for you - not others - to feel your strength, intelligence, abilities empathy and worth. Not something that happens overnight but you can get there.

It may take help, All the thoughts you describe: the not good enoughs, the being lost, unmotivated and all the rest sound like me when I've had a bout of depression which I get with my anxiety. I never improved or got out of this trap on my own.

May I suggest you see your GP in a long consultation and say how you feel, be tested for anxiety and depression and then see what happens. You may be offered therapy -or meds - or both. It can be the start, it was for me.

If you feel that face to face explanations might be just too hard then spend a day or so writing everything down (point form is good) and share the paper in the consultation. That makes it a lot easier.

With relationships there are good people out there who will value you properly - for your character and nature. They may be hard to recognize at first as those you are used to -or people like them - are easy for you to join up with (it's familiar territory), but worth the effort, not only for you , but for them too, as they end up with someone who has understanding and all the fine qualities I listed before.

Please talk some more

Croix

Hi Croix,

I want to start of by saying thank you for your lovely response and I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. I hope that you are healthy and are going well during these difficult times.

I kept spiraling downwards until I finally had enough and talked to my gp and I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have been on anti-depressants since around December of last year, I unfortunately haven't found a psychologist but I have gradually start shifting my perspectives.

I don't know what happen but something just switched inside my head. My relationship was on the rocks until we mutually decided to end the relationship and remain friends. I have decided to take a year off from dating and relationships to really be able to focus on myself, it has been three months.

I haven't let the covid outbreak and lock down stop me from achieving my goals, I started a Certificate III in Community Services and only have two weeks left (work placement is on hold at the moment.) I am strongly considering starting a Certificate IV in Mental Health. I am wanting to give back to the community and help people as much as possible.

Audacity21

Dear Audacity21~

Welcome back, it is great to hear from you, and the time taken is of no importance at all.

Actually that time sounds as if it has been put to good use, seeking and getting medical support is a milestone. Please do not be disappointed about not as yet having a psych. It will happen, and like many things from your tablets to the clinician they have to be the right ones for you.

I found what I needed after quite a few trials and have led a stable and satisfying life ever since.

It must have taken a fair degree of determination to separate and go to 'just friends' status. I guess it will take more to keep it up, however I think the idea of that break, getting to a place where you cope better and regard yourself with more confidence is a good idea.

Turning lock-down to advantage and getting a Cert III is not something everyone could do, it takes application and consistency. Congratulations.

Cert IV is harder of course, is there any particular reason you are thinking of Mental Health?

Hope to hear from you again

Croix