I feel like life was so much easier during Covid or in the hospital earlier this year, selfish enough to say while there are people living in distress and hopelessness. It was because I didn't have to adhere any expectations and was able to dive into my favourite hobbies. I realised the consequences.
During Highschool back around 2015 was when I was in year 10. I thought It was normal to feel depressed, to self-harm. It's not okay no matter how you look at it. But i didn't realise that fully a few years later, that I should've asked for professional help. School's have support systems that I didn't know could help me at the time because I thought I had to carry it myself. My closest friend at the time telling saw the cuts and supported me whenever she can.
Anyway, never thought to be diagnoses back then. After highschool, I started studying at tafe since I thought Uni seemed to overwhelming from the first day. Was that an act due to anxiety? But I had nightmares involving going to highschool and was relieved I was finally free (occurred during the start of 2020).
Recently I've taken on 3 casual jobs and attended 1 volunteer day.
Thoughts race in my head everyday resulting to extreme thoughts of: why am i even working? money doesn't seem satisfying anymore. i want a purpose in life. what are my goals even? is there even a place in this world that my career choices align with what i want to do instead being controlled by fear?
Did I take on 3 jobs because I feared societal expectations as others I've encountered have part-time jobs, not working in fast food.
Currently i am enrolled in cert iv in vet nursing as well but i dread it everyday. everytime i bring myself to study it. I don't think its because i find it difficult to learn, but cause im disinterested in the content. It makes me question if I should change my career pathway. Yet everyone seems to say its good to be disciplined to complete it so there's a backup option.
During my term 1 break last 2 weeks, I've been studying about mental health instead of vet nurse. procrastination much? Talked to my careers counsellor. said to be a teacher which was interesting.
Anyways, today i quit one of the jobs. Will try and bring myself to contact my gp to see a psychologist. but then again do i need to see one comes to mind, or am i just burnt out? do i have a mental illness or am i just overreacting. Is this what everyone experience or just me? is this black and white thinking?
What is wrong with me?