Hi im in need of some help and advice. Over the last 3 years my loving wife of 8 years doent want anything to do with me in any form of physical contact. I have broght it up several times the best i can with out making it sound like its all the sex side of it. The last time we talked about it she said she would seek help which was over 3 months ago.... I dont no how to approach the topic again and dont want to seem to pushy. My depression has come on so stong latley as i feel not wanted or needed. I feel i have a great life but my need for even a meaningful hug in bed woild mean the world. Im at the point im feeling im losing a very special connection i have with my wife.. Please help please.

Hi Chris,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am wondering that if the change was quite sudden, was there something that happened three years ago, that maybe was a significant change in her life, or in both of your lives? Such as children coming along, or maybe a health issue or change in career?

Sometimes major life changes can affect many areas of our lives, including our sex lives. I can tell you that one thing us women really need, more than a physical connection, is an emotional connection. Perhaps the next time you are sitting together on the couch, and if she starts to talk to you about something like how her day has been for example, turn the volume down on the TV or radio, take her hand in yours and look at her while she talks to you. Show her that you are focused on her and still interested in her. ..... that is, if you're not doing that already.

I have been divorced from my (now ex) husband for two years now, and I can tell you that one of the things that I had major issues with was that he seemed to only want to hug me when we were in bed, and didn't want to hold my hand in public. I was his wife, and he didn't want to do so much as hold my hand in public ..... so of course, I did not want to open up to him in any way in private. And unfortunately that eventually included hugging in bed. It felt to me as though he cared only/more about sex than he did about me.

Men and women are very different creatures, and I think a lot of the time we both tend to forget that. Men are very physical and tend to be able to open up more when there is a physical connection, where as women are more emotional, and tend to be able to open up more when there is an emotional connection ....... and perhaps the trick is to try and bring those two things into alignment. Which is why I suggest holding her hand while sitting on the couch, or somewhere else, rather than trying to get a hug when you are already in bed. She may feel pressured to 'perform' for you or to please you but is still needing something more from you that is not physical ..... does that make sense? Us women can be such people-pleasers that we tend to forgo looking after, and speaking up about our own needs. We think our men can read our minds when they can't.

I would also like to recommend the "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" books, as I have found them a great help in understanding the opposite sex.

Take care, hope that helped a little. xo

I get what you mean as I have gone through the same . My wife has no time for me and would actually take longer telling me why she didn't have time for a cuddle or hug than to have actually had me hold her ! I have been pushed away for so long that I have now completely given up on touching her or saying I love you to her as she doesn't say it to me nor wants me to touch her or for her to touch me . She has pushed me away but is more than happy for me to be the wallet she keeps overspending from.

I hope you can work out with your wife why she doesn't want to have affection , as mine doesn't give me any answers whenever I bring up this subject as well ( I lost count of the many many many times I would ask her to cuddle up to me or show me any sign of affection and get nothing - I have accepted there is nothing there from her emotionally or affection wise :( )

Best of luck to you !

Hi Chris22

Given we all see life and relationships through our own unique lens (mindset), to understand your wife's behaviour means perhaps 1st understanding her lens.

There are many challenging lenses:

• Depression
• Stress
• Low self-esteem
• Past experiences

and the list goes on.

Such lenses shape our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, in turn shaping our identity in some way.

How we identify our self (with life) also comes down to a bit of chemistry. You would know how the chemistry in depression can impact life. Low levels of serotonin, for a start, can make life feel like hell on Earth.

Having covered mind (perspective/thought) and body (chemistry), I believe there's also another aspect which plays a major role in life and this is 'spirit'. I'm not talking of religion, just our sense of connection to life itself.

Our sense of spirit/connection can be complex, as it's impacted by thought and chemistry combined. For example, if our thoughts are of great happiness and achievement then serotonin and dopamine (aka 'the happiness and reward hormones') will be at optimum levels. And if we wish to share our happiness and sense of achievement then it's partly because oxytocin (aka 'the love/bonding hormone') is also at optimum levels. Over all, we feel highly spirited and deeply connected in these ways.

When you think about these 3 aspects (in relation to your wife), how is she mentally processing her perception of self, the relationship and life in general? Is there some complex chemistry at play in the way of hormones, emotions, mental health issues etc? Is she low in spirit/disconnected for some reason?

The reason why I sometimes feel disconnected from my husband is because I relate to him as being someone who

• can impact my self-esteem/mind negatively at times (not on purpose)
• isn't overly interested in stimulating chemistry through seeking out new highs/adventures (he likes to relax where he can)
• doesn't share the same connection with life that I do

When we are both nurturing toward each other's mental well-being and adding ventures to the relationship (adventuring/evolving), we are deeply connected to life through shared interests. I feel much closer to him on these occasions. Hugs, hearing 'I love you' and watching TV together just isn't enough to truly fuel my MBS triad (the 3 rely heavily on energy input).

In the beginning of your relationship, how did you help fuel each other's Mind/Body/Spirit? No need to answer, just suggesting a fresh lens.

:)

Im not sure if this point of view will be usefull at all but perhaps your wife is feeling insecure or has depression or anxiety herself. It can be hard to have the confidence to be intimate with someone if you dont like the way you look. It can be even harder to love and embrace someone when you are so worked up with anxiety or even anger that you just want to be left alone like a bomb about to explode.