Hi Chris22
Given we all see life and relationships through our own unique lens (mindset), to understand your wife's behaviour means perhaps 1st understanding her lens.
There are many challenging lenses:
- Depression
- Stress
- Low self-esteem
- Past experiences
and the list goes on.
Such lenses shape our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, in turn shaping our identity in some way.
How we identify our self (with life) also comes down to a bit of chemistry. You would know how the chemistry in depression can impact life. Low levels of serotonin, for a start, can make life feel like hell on Earth.
Having covered mind (perspective/thought) and body (chemistry), I believe there's also another aspect which plays a major role in life and this is 'spirit'. I'm not talking of religion, just our sense of connection to life itself.
Our sense of spirit/connection can be complex, as it's impacted by thought and chemistry combined. For example, if our thoughts are of great happiness and achievement then serotonin and dopamine (aka 'the happiness and reward hormones') will be at optimum levels. And if we wish to share our happiness and sense of achievement then it's partly because oxytocin (aka 'the love/bonding hormone') is also at optimum levels. Over all, we feel highly spirited and deeply connected in these ways.
When you think about these 3 aspects (in relation to your wife), how is she mentally processing her perception of self, the relationship and life in general? Is there some complex chemistry at play in the way of hormones, emotions, mental health issues etc? Is she low in spirit/disconnected for some reason?
The reason why I sometimes feel disconnected from my husband is because I relate to him as being someone who
- can impact my self-esteem/mind negatively at times (not on purpose)
- isn't overly interested in stimulating chemistry through seeking out new highs/adventures (he likes to relax where he can)
- doesn't share the same connection with life that I do
When we are both nurturing toward each other's mental well-being and adding ventures to the relationship (adventuring/evolving), we are deeply connected to life through shared interests. I feel much closer to him on these occasions. Hugs, hearing 'I love you' and watching TV together just isn't enough to truly fuel my MBS triad (the 3 rely heavily on energy input).
In the beginning of your relationship, how did you help fuel each other's Mind/Body/Spirit? No need to answer, just suggesting a fresh lens.
:)