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Forums / Welcome and orientation / New here, I don't know what's going on in my mind

Topic: New here, I don't know what's going on in my mind

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Tullyvittus
    Tullyvittus avatar
    1 posts
    13 April 2020
    Hi there!
    Most of my life I've always been a bit of a "neat freak" or "germaphobe". Over the past 4 years it's been getting worse and worse. Started off with not liking to share my drinks, changing my bed sheets often, not sitting on public toilets etc. As I got older, anything sexual or kissing freaked me out so bad. I got over that stage kind of, but still find it a bit revolting. But now I cry or have panick attacks when I don't feel clean. I always sleep in hoodie and long pants so I don't have to touch my bed. The only time I'll sleep in something else than that is the night I put the sheets on. I can't walk bare foot inside a house, that scares me. Can't sleep in another side of the bed if I've slept on one side more. If clothes have touched the ground, I throw it to the wash. If I think something is dirty, even when it's not, and I know it's not, I'll still think about it untill I get a headache and I must clean it or change it or whatever. If I get an itch on my back while in bed, I change my sheets immediately. I do too many things, there's just too much to list, but it's driving me mad and I don't know what's wrong with me. Plus my family ignores me cause they find my habits annoying but they don't understand how much it effects me.
    Please help :((
  2. calmseeker
    calmseeker avatar
    333 posts
    14 April 2020 in reply to Tullyvittus

    Hi Tullyvittus,

    Warmest of welcomes to the forums! I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time coping with these thoughts and feeling and behaviours. I too, am a bit of a 'germaphobe'. Whilst I have managed to control it a little better in the last few years, I think the current covid-19 situation has been somewhat triggering for me and I am seeing a few old behaviours sneak in.

    I understand how exhausting it is to feel this way day in day out. For me, I found some relief from the intensity of these behaviours when I started AD's some years ago (I am by no means saying that's the direction you should take, its a personal decision and I am actually no longer on meds at all). Strangely enough the AD's did not help with my depression and GAD but I did see a marked improvement in my need to have my environment germ free and perfect. May I ask if you have spoken to your GP about what's troubling you. A GP visit is often a great start. CBT can also be beneficial. Apologies if you have already tried these avenues that I am suggesting, I know it can be frustrating when people suggest a road you have already been down.

    I hope you're doing ok today Tullyvittus. I am aware how isolating it can feel when dealing with this issue. Chat anytime.

    Sending you calm thoughts for a peaceful day,


  3. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2198 posts
    14 April 2020 in reply to Tullyvittus

    Hi Tullyvittus

    You sound so incredibly frustrated and I can imagine you're pretty exhausted, given how much you care about so many things.

    Do you find it interesting to watch others struggle with adjusting to extra caution at the moment (regarding the germ factor), something you've already mastered? I wonder whether you've even thought 'These people are nuts! Why are they struggling so much with such basic cautionary tasks?' By the way, I could never stand sharing drinks either, as I imagined a bit of someone else's saliva having dropped into the drink, before they gave it back (blah). As a mum to 2 teenagers, when my kids were little it used to horrify and amuse other mothers that I couldn't share a biscuit with my kids. All that slobber, no thanks :) I smile as I write this.

    You know, I find one of the hardest mantras to incorporate into my life is 'I don't care'. Three basic words yet very powerful. I care about a lot of things that make sense to me (yet not to others) and I care about a lot of things that don't make sense to me, such as why I have such a fear of spiders. I do care about being bitten by one but even if there's one on the wall on the other side of the room I become completely fearful and pretty insane in my behaviour. And I care about hanging up towels 'properly', which drives my husband a little nuts but it makes perfect sense to hang a damp towel in a fashion so it's dry for the next use. Heaven help those who bunch up a towel on a hanging rack in our house :)

    You sound like someone who is very sensitive, especially to your environment. While sensitivity is what helps us create order, over sensitivity is what goes toward creating disorder. We know we're facing disorder when our focus overtakes general order in life, such as time sensitive matters or things that require us to have no fear, for example.

    Regarding the 'I don't care' factor, I find wonder can help override caring too much at times. With a shocking fear of deep water, my son actually got me out on a lake in a kayak last year. Admit, I wouldn't go unless the water was perfectly calm but I did wonder what it would be like to be out there. I wondered so much to the point where I wished to go out. Wish granted through courage! Fear's still there but not as bad. Sounds strange but could you wonder what it would be like to walk from your bed to your door and back without shoes on? Try wondering, without thinking. The second we start thinking, we're thinking of a way out.


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