Hi. I'm a 37 year old guy who has had depression his whole life. I first started seeing mental health professionals when I was around 12 years of age, and I have seen more and more as my life has gone on. My current therapist thinks I may have had depression as early as age 2, which is kind of crazy, but here we are. I often go on good periods where things travel okay, and then I'll fall down a hole again, and have to lift myself up. I've had a number of these relapses over the years, and the thing is they get harder, not easier, to dig myself out of as I get older, because I get more and more evidence that things aren't ever going to change for me. I've been alone most of my life, apart from a toxic relationship of 2 years I was in, which ended very badly, with me suffering PTSD on top of everything else. It's coming on 10 years since that relationship ended and I haven't met anyone in that time that has shared a mutual interest or attraction in me. I've put on weight, lost my hair, and get older and uglier in that time, which has only made me more awkward and lacking in confidence. I've managed to work full time for 15 years despite my depression, and last year made the leap of faith to go to university to study psychology. I continue to work part-time in the industry I was working in, in a stressful job that requires shift work and weekend work, so I rarely socialise or have the energy or inkling to get out and enjoy life beyond working or studying. I am currently on university break and the time without the distraction of study has really messed me up. Some things have happened that triggered feelings and memories I've tried to bury, namely the feeling of having someone to share a life with. Coming up on ten years since I last was in a relationship, this has hit me very very hard. I feel so very alone, and don't see how things will get better in the future given the lack of interest I've gotten from women over the past 10 years, and the complete rejection I've experienced on dating sites and apps. I really want to pack it all in and get away from everything, but I have steep debts to pay and don't know how I'd pay them if I quit my job. I am leaning towards deferring uni, but I hate the idea of working my current job without studying, as it is an industry I am trying to get away from. I know if I want a relationship I need to accept myself and radiate confidence, but I just can't do it. I just don't like myself, and would love to be away from myself.