I don't know if this will help me or help others, but I am going to give it a shot. Hope so..
I haven't been diagnosed with a disorder, but know i am not not right mentally. i can't seem to find a balance in my life - I consider myself to be an intelligent, skilled and creative person, with a loving partner and, a home and property - that i think most people would find desirable. That said, no matter how much i achieve it never seems to be enough. I have anguished thoughts that I don't do enough, and that i am a consent disappointment to my partner, myself and my colleagues.
As you can see I can tend to have a high opinion of myself, which then metamorphoses into a spiralling state of anxiousness, resulting in thoughts that i am actually a selfish idiot and that all would be better off without me. I do have thoughts of self harm - but don't see how this would help anyone other than myself - again selfishness.
I seem to want to destroy all that I that I have built. My thoughts always seem to turn negative. Why?
There is a lot of i's in this monologue - I haven't built everything I have by myself - but the dark fog that descends on me seems to alienate me from reality, and i sometimes feel as if i am losing my mind. I am not a substance abuser - I have had episodes of mental illness in the past where this has been the case, but have worked hard over the last 10 years to recognise when enjoyment turns to wanton annihilation & self destruction.
I love my partner with all my heart, but want to push her away emotionally - I want companionship and love, but then reject it..Why?
I am generally a very active person- physically and mentally, I like to create and build, but then have these thoughts of 'whats the point / why am i doing this' and fail to see any future benefit in it, and the project then becomes a burden. Why?
I struggle to find any enjoyment in life - even though I don't actually have anything to complain about. Why?
I really want to find a way to clear and balance the thoughts in my head, but have episodes - weeks/months where i feel completely off kilter & the smallest things seem to tip me back over the edge, into a sea of self loathing and irrational thoughts, and a want for isolation and to distance myself from those i love and who i know love me. Why?
I have heard some mental illness is like a long dark tunnel - often i literally just walk or drive with no focused destination in mind. But i don't know what i am running from or too.