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Forums / Young people / 25 feel like I’m having a qtr life crisis, lacking in hope and motivation to move forward

Topic: 25 feel like I’m having a qtr life crisis, lacking in hope and motivation to move forward

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    8 October 2021

    Hi there

    I’m a 25 year old male whose single and I feel like I’m slowly hitting a wall each day. Things I used to enjoy don’t faze me anymore, my life seems like a repeating cycle of spending each day working but also replaying the same thoughts of being alone over and over again.

    I have been trying to meet a partner and it is just a constant source of disappointment, I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel…online dating apps contribute to this as I do not get any matches at all and when I do it’s fleeting.

    from the outside looking in it would seem I have a good social network but I do not feel part of anything and never have, I have no outlet and things I would do to distract myself are no longer working

    I feel lost and do not have a clue who I am or are supposed to be, feelings of complete hopelessness are what I carry each down and I just spend most of the time flat and down although I can mask it around family.

    I do not have any suicidal tendencies and I would not do anything like that for my family’s sake but I am questioning what is the purpose of everything I do when I just feel inherently alone

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5929 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12
    Hi Daniel12,

    We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult lately and that you've been feeling so lost and alone. We understand how hard this must be, especially as you have been trying to put yourself out there and meet new people. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Adalaide
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Adalaide avatar
    23 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi!

    Let me start by saying that posting on a forum like this is a really great place to start in trying to find way to cope.

    Life has a way of making everything feel endless and joyless, even if they’re things we should enjoy or that we used to enjoy. This can, unfortunately, feel worse when you have an extremely structured routine that feels like a trap. Something that I feel has really helped me is planning in some time to purposely go out and enjoy something unplanned.

    The endless cycle of dating apps is so relatable to almost anyone. Dating is really difficult, especially during a pandemic when it’s really hard to organically meet someone, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Creating connections that feel meaningful is difficult and you should remember that everyone has this experience.

    Overall I think you would have a lot of success seeing a professional for help! It seems daunting but I promise that finding those strategies to help you feel like a happier and healthier person all around is so worth it. Plus, I have yet to meet a mental health professional who is not incredible!

    I hope the best for you and I’m sure you’ll make some incredible connections soon!

    1 person found this helpful
  4. KFPDW
    KFPDW avatar
    38 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel, I wouldn't say I've had a qtr life crisis like you but I have felt flat in a similar way like you have described in your post. So I can relate in a way. Lockdown has not helped anyone lately in terms of getting on with their lives so you might find loads of people are feeling the same way as you do. Can't socialise and date in person because we have to stay away from each other on a regular basis. And I have found those dating apps are no good as it's not the ideal way to make a connection with someone on such a intimate basis. There are thousands upon thousands of people who use these kind of apps each day and the way they are designed, you only come across like maybe 1 or 2% of the amount of people who are also using the dating service per day. It's all algorithms and numbers, not people and personality. So don't let it get you down, it's not because you can't match with someone, it's because your profile is getting mixed in with so many other profiles and it's easy to get lost in the mix. It is no reflection on you or the kind of person you are. I agree with Adalaide that seeking professional mental health help or some sort of guidance help will give you the chance to work stuff out and help feel better about yourself.

    I have a counsellor and she has been fantastic so far and it really makes all the world of difference. Hope this helps in some way. :)

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    9 October 2021

    Thank you all for responding I didn’t expect much response and it’s heartwarming to know there’s people out there that have experienced similar and are willing to talk. You all provide good advice.

    I just see the people around me and who I have grown up with moving forward with their lives whereas I feel stuck in this cycle of waking up and working and spending most of the day with my head spinning about being alone and doing it all again the next day and the day after that and so on.

    i seem to fall flat on my face everytime I try to date someone where I’m either cast away after a date or after a couple of dates the interest just seems to dissipate and people just disappear on me and I am left wondering what am I doing wrong, I try to be casual and be myself but as it happens everytime I start to question that this isn’t the right way to go and I try to act differently and like people around me but then it feels uncomfortable and from this I lose what it means to be myself and I don’t even recognise what makes me me anymore.

    by nature I am more introverted than my friends that I have grown up around, all extroverted types, I am not necessarily shy just more quiet in nature. Whilst this sounds silly I can be shy/nervous about initiating intimacy with a woman and I prefer to take things a bit slower at first and the types of people I have grown up around are more the types to rush this side of things and as I continue to falter it makes me wonder that there is some severely wrong with my approach to this and I don’t know how or what is the best way to approach it when I meet someone I like.

    I know people are suffering far more than me and I am thankful for the things I do have I am just struggling to find ways to motivate myself anymore

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Adalaide
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Adalaide avatar
    23 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel!
    I’m glad to hear that the responses you’ve received are helpful.

    I wanted to say that you seem to be invalidating your own feelings which is not the most healthy mindset to have in this situation. I really recommend practising accepting and validating your feelings because even if they might seem insignificant in comparison to some other things, if they impede on your life then you deserve to feel what you’re feeling fully.

    I also struggled with this so I can recommend some strategies to help with making your feelings feel less like complaints and more like real things that you’re going through. First, try writing down your feelings - whatever comes to mind just write it without considering how it would sound to someone. This not only helps with the validation, it also allows you to process exactly what’s happening in your mind!

    When it comes to dating, I truly believe that when the time is right and the person who you will be happiest with comes around, a lot of the issues you have with feeling like you can’t make a connection will be much easier to deal with. The feeling of inadequacy, however, cannot be solved by any relationship, usually seeking professional help is the most effective method to mitigating this issue.

    I hope this helps!

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3215 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I just wanted to say - there are girls who really like shy, quiet guys! I was a shy girl myself and I always liked the shyer guys. The extravert ones overwhelmed me.

    Plenty of girls find shyness in a guy attractive! It's rather charming.

    So don't worry, just be friendly and kind and the right girl will like you.

    You'll either meet a bubbly outgoing sort of girl who'll like you being quiet or a shy girl who will understand you. Either are good!

    Relax! 🙂

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    11 October 2021

    Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it a lot!

    I just feel like I’m a million miles away from where I want to be and I feel like I’ve lost what it means to be myself and it’s clouding my judgement when it comes to things like dating.

    The feelings hard to describe because it’s really a nothing feeling, sort of like hitting a wall and having no real urge to push through it anymore.

    I have tried speaking to someone professional but I felt like I was justifying the way I felt to them so they wouldn’t judge me as it felt that way

    whilst my family network is very close I don’t feel like they fully understand me and I’m good at masking how I feel inside so I can operate properly day to day but the days seem to be me “operating” but hoping the day will be over soon so I can just go to bed and not interact with people

    thanks again for the words of advice

  9. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3215 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    That sounds like depression. Do you have much contact with friends or is that reduced due to lockdowns? What's happened to your study is that all online now?

    The pandemic has been incredibly isolating and I'm wondering how much what youre feeling is due to that?

    Or I may be totally wrong. I know it's all had a huge impact where I am.

    Have you met anyone nice through the dating scene?

    I just think these times have been very difficult. Sorry you're feeling this way. You can always chat here.

    😊

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    Thanks for messaging and offer to talk

    I have a small network of friends, from the outside looking in it would seem like I have a lot but I’ve never really felt I fit in.

    I am only in contact if I make the effort and even then it takes a while for people to respond to me so that contributes to all of it as well as doesn’t seem like people really care to contact me.

    The pandemic has definitely contributed because it’s been painstaking trying to meet someone in this climate and I feel pretty alone given my “friends” don’t really care to contact me or reply consistently

    I have met a few nice people in the dating scene and some I am interested in definitely but it always seems to go the same way, after I meet them maybe a couple times and when I start to think maybe they are interested they basically go quiet on me and I am left scratching my head or the slowly take longer and longer to get back to me and it dissipates. With the people I have met whether they are interested somewhat or not it’s all the effort coming from my end and I never feel it being reciprocated.

    Classic example ass recently met someone and everything was going well and they even said multiple times that we’ll catch up again and then sort of out of nowhere started taking longer and longer to reply and things like that. I know it’s a silly thing to complain about but the way my head is it just affects me because it’s a repeating cycle and I have no motivation to try again because I don’t see the point anymore.

  11. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3215 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Sorry I was delayed and only back now.

    I think you sound like a fairly quiet person? Maybe fairly shy or introverted? In which case yes it can be hard to feel like you fit in with a group. I have always been like that. You have to find your tribe - in my case I like really deep conversations that are mentally stimulating.. So I need people who also like that! I also love a great sense of humour!

    I found musical and theatre people the most accepting people for anyone who was a bit "different".

    What I don't like about online dating is that when people meet up they're always assessing the other person for a romantic relationship and it puts so much pressure on everyone.

    Sometimes you meet someone and don't click with them immediately but as you get to know them you discover you really like them. This is why I like meeting people organically and it takes the pressure off if you get to know them first as a friend.

    My experience was that people who are using dating sites are ruthless and make up their mind about you very fast and move on without worrying about anyone's feelings. I suspect that's what's happening to you.

    Rejection really hurts! Honestly it's not personal - people can decide they're not interested because of really superficial things. They're probably checking out several different people!

    I don't know that any of this helps you.. I'd just advise you to not take someone losing interest too hard as who knows what they're really looking for... Eventually you'll find someone who really gets you!

    Remember the saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince or princess!

    Good luck! 😊

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    What you say makes perfect sense and does help so thank you!

    I think this is all a big accumulation of things I have felt for a long time and because I have never really felt I fit in within different social groups I am part of, I tend to take this stuff quite hard as I see it as a reflection of something about me or how I act that causes this.

    I have been trying for quite a long time, going back to pre-covid, with not much success and I think I am emotionally hitting a wall as there is pressure from the way I have been brought up and my family that finding a partner is almost an expectation at my age, I am not sure if you can relate to this.

    Because I am more quiet in nature, not necessarily shy I would just say you just need to let me warm up so to speak I think this is very misunderstood by a lot of people I meet in any setting. Growing up around a lot of more out and louder people it has made me confused as to how to act and somewhere along the way I have tried to change and as a result I am now lost on actually what makes me myself as strange as that sounds.

    I would say I do like someone who is a bit more out there than me but my feeling is they would probably not understand someone like me

    Thanks for all your kind words :)

  13. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3215 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I think there is a lot of pressure on guys to conform to the image of being outgoing and self assured, but lots of guys are more reserved - as you say, not necessarily shy just quieter. I've always liked quiet men! They're often kind and more sensitive which always appealed to me.

    Quiet people are sometimes mistakenly misinterpreted as aloof or unfriendly. I wonder if this happens to you at all?

    I had the same pressure on me at your age to get married! I do understand what that's like and it gets really tough when your friends and colleagues start getting married and having families!!!

    Don't let that pressure push you into a relationship that isn't right for you.

    Things are opening up where I live and although we're not out of the woods with this virus, all sorts of social activities and events are starting up again and hopefully it won't be too much longer for you in Melbourne. I love Melbourne, I think you're lucky to live there! I have family there.

    I was walking around here today and it was hard to recognise this regional city as suddenly all the shops and cafes are busy again and everyone is out and about again!

    Have you thought about living in a share house with other people your age? That can be really fun! I used to live in a big share house in inner Melbourne and it was a great time!

    You might find you're happy once you get work in your field and have friends and colleagues with the same interests. Most of the friends I have now I met through work.

    I had to move here for reasons I won't discuss here and I've found it hard to break in as people seem to form tight friendship groups which I can't break into and long lockdowns have made it almost impossible! I've found the music scene here is the place I seem to fit in with best as they are friendly and more open to different types of people.

    I fell in love with a quiet guy a long time ago so don't worry, you'll find someone!

    I think you sound really nice! Some girl will be lucky to meet you believe me!

    I think you should feel good about yourself!

    🙂👍

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    63 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    I think you are right about the pressure to sort of fit a certain mould as I have felt this a lot throughout my young adult life. I don't think people would think I am aloof, or I certainly hope not, but generally I believe I come across quite laid back and down to earth as I have been told in the past but it is sort of getting to a stage where it feels like I'm almost seen as "too nice" if that makes any sense and as a result I feel like I am not taken seriously or a "spark" doesn't develop. I think this leads to a lot of confusion in my head as to how I am supposed to act as I have been told numerous times in the past that I have it all on paper which then leads me to believe I don't build enough spark of attraction even in people who are interested to some degree for them to want to continue to pursue and get to know me more that is where a lot of these feelings get triggered.

    I feel as people around me are all getting into relationships and things like that, when we open up I may be relatively on my own to do things as I am losing contact with these people more and more. I am also at a point of such frustration and my feelings have sort of eroded to a point where I find myself thinking what is even the point of pursuing someone when 9 times out of 10 it is going the same way and making me feel this way which I don't want to feel.

    I have developed friends through my job but unfortunately I am the youngest by quite some way so I do not expect to be going out or spending time with these people outside of work.

    I guess the pressure is getting to me quite a bit and the constant repeating cycle of all these dating experiences I have been having is weighing me down mentally and emotionally and each time it makes the motivation to get back out there a bit less.

    Thanks again for your kind words and support!

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