Hi this is my (21 M) first forum post so idk if I’ve already broken any rules with the spicy title but it true and I’ve got a list now so I’ll take it one by one

bi- tbh I don’t even know what I am (definitely lean closer to gay) and I’ve been told that’s okay but like it’s still annoying not being straight because everything would be so much easier but hey that’s life and I’ve kinda learnt to deal with this thing and just decided that if I can’t find a girl who I can love for real for real I’ll just stay single out of family/community requirements and that’s okay for now

Muslim - I’ll start by saying I’m not a great Muslim i don’t pray I drink I smoke I lie and I have gay hookups BUT I love my religion so much the love compassion and power built into it combined with the knowledge and energy I receive from it from it is unparalleled religion has always been a path back to stasis for whenever I feel overwhelmed however it is hard being gay and Muslim as those paths have zero space for overlap

drug habit- I smoke weed socially on a daily basis and have done for the past 2 years It started after I received a undeserved fail on a uni subject and developed into an escape from reality. I have subsequently failed my last 3 semesters as I spend most of my spare time smoking with my friends. I see weed as a double edged sword on one hand it helps me escape a lot of the anxiety of my sexuality which is so very nice however this escape becomes too comfortable and it takes away from my productivity and self improvement

toxicish friends- while I consider myself an introvert I have been told the opposite by enough people to know better. I have a decent amount of friends from all walks of life however they’re not all as accessible or entertaining as my oldest friends from my private Muslim high school who I see and smoke with on a daily basis and while I genuinely love and care for these boys as my own brothers I know that they’re not great for my mental health as I’m being called gay slurs “as banter” however I know these boys care about me as long as they think I’m straight. And when we’re all chill and happy together I feel at home with them. However there was an incident where I was recently accidentally outed to one of the boys by a mutual friend who I’ve come out too this spread the news to the whole group and caused strife however I was ‘tested’ and reconvinced them of my ‘straightness’ after a ‘spontaneous’ brothel trip, this is where I lost my virginity...

I know there’s a character limit for a reason but writing that much was super cathartic so imma just continue

since being outed and ‘proving I’m straight’ the “banter” has been affecting me differently and while they insist it’s all a joke and that they “obviously know (I’m) straight” I can tell it’s coming from a more confirmed mindset. However as awful as these friends sound when put into this context the brotherly bond between all of us is strong and apart from this banter I love them

My motivation for any other aspect in my life is at an all time low. These past 3 semesters at uni have been a long string of fails and I often struggle to sleep then struggle to get out of bed to start a new day or go to my job as a disability support worker I have been struggling with my weight and no motivation combined with quarantine has led me back to being the heaviest I’ve ever been since losing a good amount of mass 2 years ago

I should probably seek professional mental health support but I have been telling myself I’ll do that for the past 8 months and am yet to do it so this is a start. thanks if anyone read this and am keen for a random strangers psycho analysis into this pocket of my life. And sorry for the run on sentences it’s 3.30am and I have work in 5 hours

I'm reading your post in my pdhpe class and man you hit me in my feels. regarding your toxic friend issue, I think you should maybe bring up how these slurs are affecting you negatively and try make them understand how you feel about them. Even if they think you are straight they shouldn't be making those jokes anyways. I think getting mental help might be the best solution for this or even talking to someone who you feel comfortable with. trust me it will make you feel 10x better once you let it out. aight have a good day man, love you.

-ravish rodent signing out