Hey guys I just turned 23 on Saturday the 22nd. Since I was 13 I have had severe problems with depersonalisation, anxiety and depression. It was a terrible time for my problems to start as I was on the brink of many new experiences in life, which I feel I wasn't even there to experience due to being locked behind severe brain fog, confusion and emotional pain. Partly it was due to the trauma of being taken out of school and moved around the country basically homeless for 6 months. My mental illness symptoms were triggered after this period early in my life.
I've always been sensitive, overly imaginative and a deep thinker. I have seen many therapists over the years, but my problem I think is never sticking with one long enough. I also just didn't verbalize it and pretended it was OK for so long because I kind of thought saying it would make it real and if I pretended to be healthy I'd eventually be healthy. Holding these symptoms behind a mask though is beyond horrible and I felt like I was dying inside. Would be interested to know who can relate to this feeling.
I have listened to a lot of motivational talks on Youtube and such trying to drill into myself, this will just pass if I keep trying. That's not how you treat mental and emotional problems though, that makes it worse. I haven't gotten an official diagnosis, I'm hoping its an anxiety disorder... but it could be worse.
Basically I think I've tried my best to experience life despite what I'm going through but I feel now that I still haven't tried hard enough and I regret the past. Since leaving school in '14, I've made basically two friends and just buried myself in worked. I'm fit, I've been told I'm attractive a number of times but I've only ever had one girlfriend. I'm still a virgin. This makes me so ashamed and depressed. And the longer I stay a virgin, the harder it'll be to have sex. It feels like people assume I'm not, because I hold up this false confidence, and when they find out they come to the conclusion that I have issues. Which is completely the truth. Something is very wrong with me. I can only get some emotional peace when I'm alone or with my immediate family. I want to have new experiences and make new friends but I feel completely trapped in my head and the darkness of my own thoughts and feelings.
Just taking the step of making a connection with other people will give me the motivation and be the first step to properly recovering. But I can't make it and time keeps moving..