It's been too long and I think I need to share my thoughts. I've gone to a councilor couple times before but it didn't feel right. I guess I'll give this a shot.
I always feel empty, some days more than others but I always have it in me, like something's missing. My mom noticed that something might be wrong but I'd just get mad at her and reassure that I'm alright, I dont know why I'd react like that... Sometimes days would pass without me even noticing because all I've done is lie on my bed. Sometimes I don't even have any reasons to feel like that but I can't help it. I've disappointed so many people with my behavior... I've lost friends and I've lost opportunities.
Once my host mom (I'm an exchange student) got so mad at me for spending too much time in my room and when she told me this I was surprised because I didn't even notice it.
I didn't realize that the time had gone by so quickly. I also got into an argument with my other host family and they told me the same thing. I don't get it.
And when I'm feeling like this, it'd last for atleast three days, sometimes way longer but I think it depends on the "trigger". Once I got into a huge fight with my then best friend and it got me so messed up. I would cry myself to sleep every night and on days I literally looked like half dead. I'd spend my time self-loathing and sleeping. It's been over 3 months and I'm still not fully over it. After that fight all I've done is compare myself to the girl and I feel like it's making me crazy. She's skinny and beautiful and I'm the opposite. I exercise nearöy every day and I feel like I'm not losing any weight. I did try some unhealthy methods as well but I feel like my body is against it. Everything the girl does makes me compare myself to her. We're in the same situation; exchange students, same school, same city and we used to be in the same friend group as well but after the fight I couldn't be with them because it made me feel awful. She has done some other stuff that makes me wonder if she's trying to prove me that she's better than me but maybe she doesn't do it on purpose. It's not like she'd have to prove that anyways.
Honestly though, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I can't even put my feelings to words and this whole thing is going to sound like I'm a crazy jealous angsty teenager.. I don't know maybe I just feel lonely.