I used to be really emotional. My highs were high, and my lows could be pretty low. But see, the thing is, I could get really happy over small things, like a bad joke, that could set me off and I'd be laughing for ages. And my lows, they were over little things, like not being able to find a pair of shoes and that making me late, or something silly that I could get over quickly.

But now, I don't feel anything. I don't laugh until it hurts. I don't cry and break down. And believe me, I have a lot of stuff I could cry about. Sometimes I think about everything that has happened to me, and it doesn't register. I want to laugh, heck, I'd break down crying if I could. But nothing sets me off.

Except running. I'm a pretty handy runner, and at the moment running is my release. I run until I drop, until my legs stop working, and that gives me my highs and lows. But I can't run all the time, and I can't run forever. Running is my life, and I would do it 24/7 if I could. But when I don't run, I have no emotions, no happy, no sad, no embarrassment, no apologetic. I just don't care for those things. Sure, its easy to fake, chuck on a smile here or there, tell everyone its fine, but I feel like I'm being eaten up from the inside by something that's too big for me to control. I want to feel emotions again, but at the moment nothing will set me off, except running.

And when my running isn't going well, like at the moment, everything is hard. I don't want to over exaggerate and say I have depression, but when I'm not running well it feels like it. When running is going well, that's when I'm not turning to online sites trying to get someone to listen to me.

I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe just to get it of my chest, I've heard this sort of thing works.

Hi Tin Man

Welcome and good on you for posting too!

Feeling like you are only existing without feeling or motivation is like having a dark cloud over us. The good news is by venting like you have done can raise our spirits...You are pro-active with your health and congrats for being as physically fit as you are.

Venting on a safe place like the forums is a huge benefit to many including myself. I joined here in Jan 2016 and have met many kind and helpful friends online after being made redundant and with depression.

You mentioned that you do have a lot that you can cry about and cant. This could be the dark cloud that is hovering above you. There are heaps of people without depression that see their GP or a counselor to unscramble this 'dead inside' feeling. Im not a doc, just saying that really offloading to a counselor may bring the sunshine back into your life :-)

The forums are a judgemental free zone and I really hope you can stick around Tin Man even if you just need to have a chat you are more than welcome.

I hope your day is good to you

Paul

Hey Tin Man,

It sounds like you feel like a robot on auto pilot from what you describe. Not having any feeling for anything, just doing them because you have to.

I'm pretty similar. I often have to remind myself when I'm in social situations that I should be making a happy face or a sad face. It just feels so unnatural to do it.

I don't know what the diagnosis is, and as Paul mentioned the GP and counsellors can often help, but clearly there's something going on.

My only suggestion is to keep the running up. I'm a runner too and I definitely go on emotional runs where I plan to run at, say, 5 min 30/km, but end up running at 4min 30 and just die. But I absolutely get the highs of running and the absolute low of realising I've got too fast and am not going to be able to hit my distance.

But hey, feeling something, even if it's a bonecrushing low, is better than nothing. For me, anyway.

Have you mentioned this to anyone else?

James

Welcome Tin Man,

I am the same, except I don't run, so miss out on those endorphins that you are obviously benefitting from. Exercise is great for mental health.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling, well...not feeling? You probably think that there is no need to do this, but if you're worried about this now, then prompt action might save you getting deeper into 'the pit'. There is a self test here..search K10.. that gives an indication of where you are at.

Writing here does help in various ways. Obviously, it is a way to get things off your chest. A diary with many benefits! Replies received make you realise you are not the only one. Advice comes from the experience of others and often helps to see things in a different light. Sometimes it can be just one thing that strikes a chord within, sometimes it's an orchestra!

Most importantly for me, reading the stories here makes me 'feel'. Most usually empathy, but a full range of emotions including laughter & happiness. I can feel so strongly for some people that it hurts. I want to reach through the screen and hug or scream or cry with them. I just want to help them so much. I 'feel' for them.

When replying, I recall my experience, and the feelings I had at that time. I am getting back in tune with my 'old' feelings. It is always easier to see things in hindsight.

I have felt numb for so long, that I have forgotten what it is like to feel. Or how to. I have suppresed feelings as a defence strategy, and now it is just the way I am. It has become 2nd nature, a habit. It is safe. It is easier. It is a way to 'cope' with everything. I have unknowingly perfected it.

Not only painful, angry or sad thoughts, but happiness, joy and contentment have also been stifled. It is obvious really. If we could tune out only the negative feelings, we'd end up being a giggling, hysterical laughing mess....( I'm getting a vision of the painting 'The scream' with the sound of giggling accompanying ..it is even scarier?!?).

So in responding to you, I just realised a lot about how & why I feel numb. It IS important.

'Just forget it and move on.' Not healthy. It is suppressing feelings that are better dealt with before they snowball. The inability to feel joy is a hallmark of depression. I'm not saying this is you, but it is easy to see how in time, ignoring the hard stuff can lead to an overall numbness.

It is interesting that we never try to forget the good times.

Hey Tin Man,

I feel as though exactly what you're talking about. Obviously, not exactly because I'm not you, but similar. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot everyday. I say things without a filter. I do things without even realising. It's like I'm watching my life from a distance, not actually there. It's weird. Like, I used to cry in every movie, every single one, but I just came back from one, and everyone cried except me. I know it sounds small, but it's not just today, or just the movie, it's everything. I used to get so emotional over every little thing, my grades, my friends, literally everything. But now, I don't care about anything. I feel like I could fail every class and someone really close to me could move away forever or something and I wouldn't even feel sad or upset or miss them or anything. I hate it, because my friends get all happy and excited, and all I can do is nod and act like I'm happy when really I don't feel anything. Sometimes I get angry at myself because I can't feel anything at all, but that's about the only emotion. I do a lot of sport, but unlike you, it doesn't help. I get this probably makes no sense at all, also you wrote your thing like two years ago, but I just had to get it out there.

I used to have anxiety and depression, but it doesn't feel the same as that. It just feels empty, and I know it sounds stupid but its almost suffocating. Like when you're crying and it's hard to breathe, but without the crying. So I don't think it is depression or anxiety, because it's not like I feel like a waste of space or like hurting myself or anything like that. I just feel so indifferent to every event and everything that happens. Maybe I'm just tired because I feel exhausted all the time. Oh well. I just had to put it out there I guess. :)

I experience the exact same thing. My dog recently died and obviously I was devastated and balled my eyes out but 2 weeks later I moved on. I still miss him but not like the rest of the family. I no longer look for him in the corner of the room yet if I look at videos I’ll bring to cry. I feel as if I should care so much more when things happen yet I don’t. As you said I feel like I’m I autopilot and nothing fazes me.