It’s been a few years since I’ve posted on here and only recently I’ve felt so terrible that I’ve turned back here.
I’m 22 now, have an amazing partner and I have a reliable job. I should be happy, but I’m not. I feel lost, I have no sense of myself anymore. My concentration and focus on things is next to non existent, I’ve gained weight, my body aches, I’m tired all the time and the only way I can sleep is with sedatives or bipolar medication. All of which seem to point toward severe depression.
I don’t know how I let myself get this bad. I didn’t even notice. I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to a psychologist not long ago when my partner and I were having issues, but I never really went back to it.
My brother died 2 months ago - he was my half brother & a lot older. I didn’t really know him that well but I feel like I haven’t allowed myself to grieve. I feel like I’ve just shut myself down, carried on.
Having a stable job should do something, but I’m on edge all the time. I feel like I’m just waiting for the ball to drop, for them to fire me. Apparently I ‘sigh’ too much & I get yelled at ‘you have to stop sighing’ - I didn’t even notice I was - being heavier and running around all day, I find it hard to breathe. I feel like I may have mild asthma or something. I go out of my way to be nice to patients that come in, to co-workers, to my bosses, I stay back beyond my rostered hours, I have taken on so much more than my job description allows, yet I still feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m just.. nothing. My bosses look down on me, like I’m a means to an end. I can’t really explain it to let everyone see what I mean but I’m mentally exhausted worrying and trying to prove myself. Having someone yell at me for breathing without trying to tell me gently has just set me off today. I drove home in tears. I started this job 2 months ago knowing nothing about the role itself, only the industry. All the girls at work talk, laugh, joke - they’re good friends. I see them tagging each other in Facebook things - I’m just sitting there wondering where I went wrong.
I don’t have friends anymore, I don’t know how to talk to anyone, I don’t know how to be close.
I’ve moved away from my home, from my parents, to be with my partner but I’m just feeling lost. My partner & I don’t talk as much anymore even though we live together. I don’t know who I am anymore. I miss my animals.
I just miss me. I miss the person I thought I could be.