im close to 18, and just finished my year 11 exams. i used to suffer from a bit of anxiety, which i fixed by myself over a few months. i now feel self confident in general, and have a few hobbies. my grades are average.
5 months ago i broke off from dating a girl, as we both thought she was not ready for a relationship. we still talk, or did until about a week ago, when she told me to get off her back, and that she had no friends. it really hurt hearing that, after i had tried my best to be there for her, and so have many others. i told her how much i was hurt by that, and she ignored me, and no longer speaks to me.
my best friend of 4 years met a girl at the beginning of the year. since then, he almost never speaks to me, unless its about his girlfriend, or if he needs tech related assistance. we used to talk almost every single day, or most days, now we share a sentence or two every week. after a conversation with his girlfriend, he also said he has no friends, and he feels as if no one cares about him, except for her.
6 months ago was the last time i saw my father. he verbally and mentally abused me until soon after i turned 17, when i decided to stay at my mothers. he made me feel useless and pathetic when he shook the house with his voice toward my step mother, my sister and i, when he was in physical pain, or had a bad day. on some nights, they would yell at each other over nothing until 12am. my parents divorced when i was 6 for this very same reason. however, when my parents were still together the abuse was physical, and left me sleeping on my stomach at some nights. on top of all that, half of his side of the family dislikes me, and my grandfather died recently too. his wisdom guided me.
i have been feeling like i am on autopilot for months now. i almost never speak to anyone, maybe saying a few sentences to people per day at school, and im barely self aware. when i get home, i still feel extremely isolated and alone. i feel so alone and i feel i have no purpose, at times i feel theres no way out, and no one to make me happy anymore. i used to be a rowdy, noisy guy, now i feel like theres a wall between me and others. my only friend is an angst teen i know from childhood, although is always there for me, but lives 2 hours away. every night i do homework, then sleep at 8pm because i have nothing to do, and no one to talk to. i dont want anyone i really care about to know, and to hurt them. if im trying my hardest, my hardest isnt enough i guess