Life has handed you a ghastly way to be, and that reminded me of myself which is why I've replied to you
Back then I could see no way out and actually attempted - more than once. This was due to being invalided, losing my job and believing there was no future. I guess I did not have your strenght. Love of a family that depended on me was not enough. that makes me feel guilty now.
Nobody with any sense is going to make foolish promises about the future, though I was lucky and it did turn around for me. Went from no future to a decent state.
It is life, and not you, that has placed you in this position and I guess I think of you facing adversity every day and somehow managing to 'keep plugging on' with admiration. You may see it as being alone in desperation. I see it as noble.
Don't laugh, maybe you have never thought of yourself that way, it is so overwhelming with all the lacks and unfairness in your life, however you do keep on going - how else would you describe courage?
When I look back on my times when completely down and did try to keep going I now feel some sense of pride (as well as the guilt I mentioned before) - that I managed to struggle though.
People are tied to this earth for many reasons. For you it is your kids (plus inbuilt tenacity). They would not see the world or you though your eyes. They would see it and you quite differently.
So may I ask (if you would like to say) how old they are? How do you think they see you? I know you think they are amazing.
I'm not going ot overload you with too long a post, instead I'd really like it if you came back and we talked some more