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Forums / Anxiety / Is it wrong to feel disassociated?

Topic: Is it wrong to feel disassociated?

24 posts, 0 answered
  1. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    27 August 2021

    Hi guys,

    So to make it all brief and give some back story. I am staying at home in a town and my classmates also in same town but on campus accomodation. I went into severe depression and anxiety since last year due to a guy and my friends. I decided to cut the guy off because it was just too much (like having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day and unable to sleep and severe depression). Then due to my depression and anxiety my social interactions with my so called friends decreased and then I came to sudden realisation that they had all kinda just moved on like I wasn't there and made new friend groups. All this people are currently in the same town as me and some of them are nice but I just can't become very close to them. We are in lockdown so I can't see any of them but they all live together and sometimes I feel left out but now mostly I just don't give a crap about friends. IT's not just them but anyone, I feel very disassociated with everyone and don't really want to hang out with anyone, except my Mum at home. It makes me really sad that I feel like that and since I am graduating this year socialising is very important but I just dont care. Can someone tell me if this is bad or wrong to feel so disassociated?

    Thank you Fam xxx

  2. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    28 August 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi. These times produce different results for each of us. For some people I know once they were used to the lockdown, didn't want to go out when it ended. For me it was the opposite!

    With your anxiety and depression ... Are you getting any support for this? Are you talking with someone from school or a professional? There are some resources on the forums here.

    Do you think your loss of friends is related to your issues? Or do you have different interests and likes? And if the latter, maybe new groups are possible for interaction? Just a thought. I know this can be difficult...

    What sort of things do you like to do?

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Croix
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    28 August 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Dear Snaedis~

    I'm sorry you have been going thogh such a hard time, not just now in lockdown but in the past. I remember you talking with White Rose and others about the problems breaking up with a special freind.

    Now you have reached the stage where you are physically and emotionally distanced from the group you associated with, and feel most reluctant to form new friendships as a result.

    I get a very strong feeling you are a sensitive and thoughtful person and look upon relationships as serious, not a trait shared by everybody I'm afraid.

    You mentioned more than once that others have said "you overthink it". I don't see it that way. I'd guess you are simply trying to understand how friendships work, and why they do not seem to last.

    Being with a group at school is not really friendships -thogh sometimes they do form between individuals in the group. It is simply natural to gather together and do things together. If you are not actually present then I guess over time there will come a distance between you.

    As a sensitive person the takes such matters seriously it hurts when your feelings and understanding are not returned in the same way. Be it by a group or individual.

    I've found many acquaintances in my life, people who may have been daily "friends" in a workplace but when they or I leave that reduces down to be just a "season's greetings" card every year. They may be nice people but are in fact acquaintances.

    Proper friendship is something else, it is deeper and lasts, and can be picked up seamlessly after gaps in time. If, like me, you are lucky, you will have maybe half a dozen in your life. The most important being your parents and a partner, if you are lucky enough to find one.

    Don't get me wrong, acquaintances are a necessary and healthy part of life, and if one group falls by the wayside please seek another. It enriches you life and has the by-product of helping you cope with people. Plus it can be fun.

    As Smallwolf asked, do you think you can find others who share your interests, and importantly what do you enjoy?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Sophia16
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    29 August 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hey Snardis,

    Yes, it is completely normal to feel disassociated during this lockdown. It is most likely associated with your depression. Don't feel bad about that. Everyone is struggling.

    Firstly, do you see somebody for your anxiety and depression? it is really important for you to do that as you don't want it to get worse than it already is.

    To get you in a great mindset during this lockdown, here are a few tips:
    - Focusing on the good thing

    - Having faith

    - Removing any negativity

    - Practicing to be grateful

    Also, congrats on graduating this year!

    1 person found this helpful
  5. therising
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    29 August 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges, such as the challenges that come with COVID, relating to friends, making sense of yourself and more.

    Disassociation or detachment can definitely be a tough challenge to work out or work through, that's for sure. Hindsight's wonderful, when we can look back and make perfect sense of things but when you're in the process of making sense of things, it can feel impossible to hit on a revelation.

    I suppose you could try looking at things from a different perspective and see if that offers any clarity. Eg: I can't associate with anyone who stresses me or brings me down. I can't associate with people who are neglectful. I can't associate with anyone who's not sensitive. Who or what can you no longer tolerate? There's nothing quite like forming a list of what you can't tolerate, to lead you to realise why you're happiest with only 1 or 2 particular people in your life.

    Regarding detaching from insensitive people, would you say you're a naturally sensitive person perhaps even looking to develop your sensitivities? Say you're sensitive to 'feeling deeply for others', connecting with people who share this ability is what may have you grow it and master it. Kind of like finding your tribe who raises you to further developing your natural self. Maybe there's a part of you that's completely done when it comes to vibing with people who are insensitive.

    Do you know why you're happy vibing with your mum? Is she similar to you? Can you relate really well to her? Is she a part of your tribe? I imagine there's a reason behind why associating with her is not a problem. Does she naturally lift your spirits and/or raise you to acknowledge the best in yourself? Is she like some brilliant sage? Some parents can have the opposite effect, still keeping us close to home though through the fear they've instilled in us in some way. How would you describe your mum? Is she a bit of a legend?

    Personally, it used to drive me crazy, trying to figure out why I'd suddenly become so detached from people. So often I'd ask myself 'What's wrong with me?'. I've come to realise a variety of reasons

    • Some folk can be toxic
    • People, collectively, can become stressful
    • Sometimes, without realising, I can detach into a period of reflection/questioning when it comes to what I really need to let go of
    • I tend to gravitate toward one person, neglecting the rest, when there's a (sometimes unrecognised) need to learn something from that person
  6. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    29 August 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Smallwolf,

    I am kind of an introvert so I like staying home or maybe thats something I have made myself believe so I have a legit reason not to hang out with other people. It's related to losing him and then I lost everyone else around me because of my mental health. Those people will reply if I message but wont message me first, its been 10 weeks since i stopped messaging and I haven't heard any words. I used to see a therapist but I just feel like a lost cause and its all just pointless so I haven't seen her for a while now.

    Thanks for your thoughts. We had similar likes. We used to play tennis everyday but then I stopped getting invited after that found the new group and that hurt like hell. I like hiking, working out, playing tennis and sports and doing nothing sometimes.

    xx

  7. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    29 August 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I feel so glad that you actually remember my previous post. Yes it's all very connected. Yes I have tried to connect with them but I don't want to be always the one initiating things, I feel like an annoyance.

    You're very correct I am very sensitive and take my relationships and friendships very seriously. I have been told that's a great trait to have but it doesnt feel like it. Yes I have been trying to understand what you said, but i can't wrap my head around that we had been really close for past 4 years and I feel so easily forgotten and pushed aside.

    Everyone says you make lifelong friendships at uni and I keep thinking I will never have a chance to form great friendships after i graduate in 2 months.

    To be honest I feel a little awkward with seeking out groups personally and I want to but I am just too scared to experience the same pain because I dont want to relapse again. As I mentioned above I love going for walk and working out and playing tennis.

    I forgot to mention above but have tried going out for walk with my work colleague and in the moment it is great but after I just feel down for no reason and I feel so guilty about it and hate myself.

    Thank you so much for your reply. It gives me a little hope maybe there's someone out there for me as a friend or partner.

  8. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    29 August 2021 in reply to Sophia16

    Hi Sophia,

    Thank you for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist since last year but I haven't for a while because as I said above I feel like I am a lost cause and won't ever get better. I have seen improvements but sometimes it feel like there's no hope and that the therapy doesnt help. I just didn't know if this disassociation is normal or if I have just become emotionally numb and shut myself off to new friendships and relationships. Yes I might consider starting to see her again. Thank you for the tips, I will definitely try to imply them. Thank youu

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10378 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Dear Snaedis~

    I'm afraid for every gift there may be a price, you are sensitive, thoughtful and a loving person. When others are not the same it pains you, however when you find the right person you, like I, will know the previous heart-ache is worth it.

    Sensitive people can find groups hard, and are often better with one to one encounters, I know I am.

    I would suggest you give therapy another try, and be honest, if it does not feel like it is going anywhere don't put up with it, explain it is noneffective. You are worth effective treatment, you are in charge.

    4 years together then nothing, yes that is hard. I would think you are more mature and have found out a lot about yourself, your ex-friend was still at an earlier stage, still discovering themself. That's hard on other people, such as yourself.

    Why not wait and see about the person from work, they may become a friend. Maybe you feel guilty becuse you think you have nothing to offer and it will fail. That's nonsense, but hard to shrug off.

    Plus the saying you find you friends at uni is not really that accurate, a friendship can start anywhere, any-when.

    I hope we talk somemore

    Croix

  10. Snaedis
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    22 posts
    30 September 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you so much for your reply. It made me genuinely smile, which I really needed today. MY depression and anxiety appear to be relapsing badly this week so I might see someone. Sometimes I feel like I got this and I am strong but then like today I just feel weak and don't see a point in living. Currently, I am back at clinic and see him everyday. It hurts so much to just see him happy and getting along with everyone. I do get along with others but it feels like i am an outsider for some reason. I can't think of anyone to rely on except my ex-friend and I have this strong urge to reach out to him. Hoping that if I go to him everything will be okay and I will be okay. I don't know if that's good.

    Yes I agree I prefer one on one but I don't mind group as long as I am close to them. I really want to believe and hope that I will make genuine friends in the future but it's hard to currently xx

    Thanks

  11. Sophie_M
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    30 September 2021 in reply to Snaedis
    Hi Snaedis,

    We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
     
  12. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    30 September 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Sorry I took a while to get back to you. Your reply was very thoughtful and I needed some time to think. Just looking at things from different perspectives, I have tried that but then I feel like I am being too rigid and won't have any friends if can't deal with it. I tried making a list but then realised everyone to some degree end up on that list. Yes you are right, I am naturally sensitive, I believe its due to my childhood that I am also very emotionally vulnerable.

    Sometimes I don't agree with my mum, to be honest she's very emotionally weak and naive and that's something I don't want to be. I believe I vibe with her because I don't have that fear that she's gonna leave me, no matter how bad my depression or anxiety gets, she will be there. She's got a good heart and it really angers me that that's passed down to me and I have to be like this. I feel sorry for her and want to be her support so I think thats why I like spending time with her.

    Yeah from what I have heard all the people from my University are toxic. But how can everyone be toxic? Am i judging too hard or is something wrong with me. I understand if its couple or few but if its majority of them then maybe I am overthinking?? People are stressing me out generally. I hate socialising because of how it makes me feel. I feel lonely but i can't take feeling that anymore.

    Thank you so much for your reply. It helped me reflect and question things I hadn't considered. xxx

  13. therising
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    1 October 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    Can relate to what you say in regard to being raised by a mum with a good heart. My mum mentioned to me just the other day how she feels disappointed when it comes to her not having woken up to certain people earlier in life, being too tolerant toward them for way too many years. She's now in her early 80's. As I said to her 'Better late than never' :)

    I'd never given too much thought to the phrase 'Waking up to someone' until I actually started to wake up more in life, in general. I'd have to say, waking up is more about waking up to a constructive sense of wonder more than anything. Say, an example might involve a university situation where you can wonder why you don't fit it but then all of a sudden something comes to mind which can flip perspective/reality. Just say you wake up to the fact that a majority of the people you meet drink. Then you start wondering why they do. Then you start wondering why they can't live without drinking. Then it hits 'Oh, my gosh, they actually can't live without it. I wonder what's wrong that leads them to rely on alcohol, in order to get by in life'. If you're a non drinker, you may begin to wonder why you can get by without it, why you can naturally feel what they need to drink to feel. So, you could say what initially appeared as simply toxic is actually quite interesting - the observation of human nature is always interesting. Another lot which can be observed involve cliquey groups who tightly vibe together not letting anyone in, compared to those who see someone on their own and naturally bring that person into the fold.

    I think just about everyone has elements of toxicity. If we're studying what's toxic in a person, we'll eventually find it. Why it exists is the question. Does an alcoholic drink to feel what they can't feel naturally? Does a people pleaser put themself last and allow themself to be walked over just so they feel loved? This behaviour can of course prove toxic when it leads to low self-esteem. A closed minded cliquey group's behaviour can be toxic for someone genuinely seeking friendship.

    Sounds like you're sensitive enough to be able to read people. Developing this natural ability definitely comes with challenges. May sound a bit strange but I can easily imagine you sitting with another 'reader' as you both discuss, with accuracy, the nature of others at uni. No gossip, just comparing notes :)

    See if you can read people's insecurities, instead of their toxic nature. See what you notice.

  14. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    I really find it interesting and see your point of view. I have been trying to look at things differently but it still doesn't get rid of that feeling of emptiness and loneliness. As you said I don't really like gossiping because I wouldn't want to be talked about for my actions.

    What you said is something I heard in a podcast. But doesn't this mean that you keep giving someone the benefit of doubt? Of course, everyone deserves a second chance but you can't label their toxicity with insecurities? Does that mean my ex-best friend was insecure and maybe I understand why he acted like that. So, should I be reaching out to him to reconcile with him?

  15. therising
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    5 October 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    The benefit of the doubt is an interesting one. I suppose it depends on what it is we're doubting and whether there actually is some benefit to that doubt or not.

    You can have a friend who behaves out of character and is suddenly abusive toward you, like they've never been before. If they're behaving out of character, this points to a possible upset in their life. You can cut them off, following the abusive outburst, or you can listen to the doubt in your mind which may be saying something like 'Don't take it personally. You know this is not like them'. You speak to them and they reveal they're going through the worst time of their life. You've both benefited from doubt.

    On the other hand, you can have someone in your life who's abusive on a regular basis. In this case, there is no doubt that such abuse is depressing, such a person is depressing. You cannot doubt yourself when it comes to ending that relationship, especially if that person has no intention of changing, no matter hard hard you lead them to be conscious of their behaviour and its impact.

    From my experience, mental health issues tend to make things appear less clear. While during my years in depression I questioned many times whether the people around me really loved me and cared about me, I was never able to put my doubt to rest during that time. It was only after coming out of depression that things became much clearer. The people around me did love and care about me to the best of their ability. Looking back, it amazed me how very few people in my life knew how to help manage depression in another person. What I was witnessing was their inability to love me out of depression. This takes a very specific type of love. So I stayed in it until someone with a bit of tough love hounded me endlessly to go to depression group therapy. That therapy was where things changed.

    Depression can be incredibly hard for friends and family around us to manage. Some people around us can't manage it, as they don't have the skills, ability, experience or the endurance to stay. Even the most brilliant psychologist, a professional, can take years to constructively lead a person through and out of depression, largely based on the depth, intensity and pain associated with that person's challenges.

    I believe there's nothing wrong with doubting/questioning a person's commitment to their relationship with us. For better or for worse does not just apply to marriage. Often, it can apply to depression.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Snaedis
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    22 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Thanks for your reply. Yeah I think this situation is more like the second one, I have given him many chances, even now I want to. Thats why I don't like how I can't hate or not like him for his actions and stuck in this loop. I have friends but I don't feel like can go to anyone when I am feeling down or sad because they just tell me to move on and feel like am never good enough. Like thats what I am trying to do but I can't seem to do so. So, I really appreciate this platform and especially you for acknowledging my feelings, it means soooo much.

    Also, you might be right people around me maybe doing their best but not enough to help me out. I hope i am able to find that some tough love soon because I think 2 years has been enough and I don't know how long I can go with being depressed. Its becoming so chronic that I am scared that i am gonna be like this all my life.

    Thanks again and much love xxx

  17. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    135 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    I've been feeling the same way. I'm even feeling disconnected from my own family. My husband & 2 teenage kids are having so much fun watching tv till late every night. I feel like an outcast inside my own house. I get so annoyed by their noise and movement. I feel overwhelmed that they're always with me. I need alone-time and total silence to recharge. I hide in a room all day to get away from them.

    I've been using various coping strategies to get through everyday. However I find life has become a daily endurance exercise. It's like I'm just existing rather than living.

  18. therising
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    13 October 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    It's amazing how triggering a lot of 'advice' in depression can be. I recall a lot of those triggers. As you mention 'You need to move on'. Other's can be 'You just need to get on with life. If you smiled more, things would be better. You need stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should be grateful for what you have, others have it worse' and the list goes on. I think the triggering part is...none of it involves any significant management plan and none of it offers a clearer perspective.

    While depression is undoubtedly a chemical experience to some degree, with our internal chemistry behaving in literally depressing ways, I also found it to be such a soul based experience. 'You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself' becomes significant from a soulful perspective. In looking back, I wish someone had asked me 'Why are you feeling such sorrow for your self? What sense of self are you grieving over?' Not sure but perhaps the answer would have sounded a little like 'I feel sorrow/sadness for the sense of self who believed life would be easier than this, the sense of self who believed people would be kinder, more considerate, more productive in their guidance'. I think people generally don't address the grief depression as well as the many ways we can come across grief throughout our life.

    With grief typically associated with the physical death of someone, not many talk about the kind of grief that can come with losing friendships, having to leave a home you love, losing a job you enjoy, finding out the marriage you're in is far from what you happily expected to be and so on. So it's like you can spend a lifetime moving in an out of grief without having been given key ways of managing all those different types of grief. Even in lockdown in Melbourne here, people have lost time and some are grieving over it, especially the elderly who don't have as much of it left.

    These days, while a part of me can feel incredible sorrow at times, there's another part that dictates 'You can't stay here (in sorrow)'. I believe it's in our nature to constantly be moving forward. it's undeniably depressing to stand for too long in our sufferance, observing our self suffering in unbearable ways. The question remains, how to let go and move forward. I've found the common factor in every great challenge I've experienced involves letting go of a particular belief system within each challenge. For me, one of the toughest to let go of was 'You need to please everyone'.

  19. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    23 October 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hi Amanda,

    I completely empathise with you. It's like I am watching everyone enjoying and living life while I am just surviving through the days. I understand and this really sucks but hope it gets better soon. I am glad you have a loving family for the support. Sending lots of love xxx

  20. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    23 October 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    @Amanda - what would have to change in order for day to be a little better for you?

    @Snaedis - you can answer that if you want?

    Elsewhere I also posted that getting through the day is enough. I understand that we (including I) would like the days to be better than they are. I wish I knew what to do to make it so.

    How have your weekend(s) been going so far?

    Listening...

  21. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi smallwolf,

    As you said i have been believing getting through the day is enough and amazing for me. But the question that always appears is for how long. This getting through the day seems very sad and worse that no one understood and stood by me. Like people say I am here for you but then they are not when needed. My weekends have been okay, better than before. All the University people have went back home so I don't have any triggers i guess. I tried reconciling with the guy but he wasn't very nice and I decided to unfriend him from every social media platform. It hurts but there's a part of me that's at peace. I have been focusing on finding a job so that acted as a distraction too.

  22. Snaedis
    Snaedis avatar
    22 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi the rising,

    I am sorry my response somehow didn't get through so I am writing again. I can't put into words how much I appreciate your words. Thats exactly what I have been feeling and no one understands. The fact you do is very reassuring. I have been trying to completely eradicate the feeling but i realise I cannot. The feelings, emotion and hurt are gonna take a while to go away or maybe they never will, all I can do is decrease them and stop feeling sorry for myself. As you said there's no management plan hence why it feels like I keep going back and forth. But looking back I have definitely made some progress and will continue to do so.

    I have realised the hardest part is when i start relapsing after getting better. I am scared of going back and feeling all that again all alone and by myself. But thats all part of grief depression.

    Also, I have cut all ties with him and aim to focus on my future because he or my other friends definitely don't care my wellbeing. It's scary not knowing what future holds and if I will ever make close friends again who I can trust. As I mentioned in the comment to small wolf. It hurts and upsets me so much but it had went past my breaking point and I couldn't do it. Currently I feel okay but i know I can relapse anytime and just have bring myself back again. It's just so tiring sometimes, I empathise with people who suffer from depression and other mental disorders.

    Thank you so much your messages and advices, it was like my light at the end of the tunnel. xxx

  23. therising
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    15 November 2021 in reply to Snaedis

    Hi Snaedis

    I think sometimes progress can feel so incredibly slow and sometimes what we experience doesn't even feel like progress, even though it is in some way. Sometimes progress can even feel depressing until we've worked through the depressing stage of a particular challenge.

    With that last one, I think about my marriage. My husband and I started seeing each other more than 20 years ago. We started off as drinking buds. While I gradually progressed through my years in depression to eventually come out the other side of it, progressed out of being a drinker, progressed through the incredible challenges of raising my 2 amazing kids, as well as progressing in other ways, if there's one thing that didn't progress so extensively - it was the relationship within the marriage. While I don't believe we should necessarily set out to change a person, I do believe there's nothing wrong with bringing out the best in another. I've worked so hard to bring out the best in my husband. During times of bringing out the best in him, I've seen hints of who he truly is, which is different from who he believes he is. He has enjoyed the moments where he has found a different side to himself but then quickly returns to being the drinker and watcher of tv during free time outside of work. My 19yo daughter's advice, 'Mum, give up. He's never going to change'. To be honest, while I've been proud of bringing out the best in my husband at times, for him to enjoy, for us to enjoy, the most significant progress I've made so far is...to give up. Such progress has been depressing at times, while I face the loss of what I hoped the relationship would be, what it would become. While, for years, I appointed my husband as 'the man who would evolve with me', dis-appointing him from this role has liberated me in a number of ways. To have cared so much and to finally have let go of such an intense level of care has led me to become care free.

    Perhaps it's the analysis stage of things that can feel most depressing, when we analyse the level of grief we're feeling, how things aren't working out, how we can't yet clearly see the way forward and so much more. Then there is the letting go stage, at the end of such analysis, the most painful part of all sometimes. Amongst the ashes of what was, something within us has the opportunity to come to life. A little like the phoenix. For some, what's born of the ashes is 'the sage' who begins to dictate 'You deserve so much better than that'.

    :)

  24. Eiffel
    Eiffel avatar
    2 posts
    21 November 2021
    No. (and congratulations on the graduation!)

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