I don’t even know what to call this thread….
Today was a bad day. It’s my 4th week back in a full time job after about 2 years of working casual hours.
I feel so dumb & like I’m making too many mistakes. If the manager asks me something, I panic & my mind goes blank & I just stand there like a mute idiot. The manager also seems to have high anxiety, which then seems to feed off on me & make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
so today I awoke at 0530 in a panic. I just couldn’t bring myself to go to work today. But I had no reasonable excuse as to why I couldn’t work. So I fell back into my old routine of avoidance.
I avoided going to work
i avoided calling in sick
i avoided answering any phones from concerned colleagues
i avoided listening to any messages or replying to any text messages
i now feel so much shame & embarrassment. I can never show my face there ever again. I have let so many people down. I’ve let my partner down, I’ve let myself down. I can’t even get an appointment with my psychologist until early Dec. plus I don’t even know if I can express myself to her anyway. For those of you who remember my issue with her when she broke my trust, I can’t be completely open with her anymore. Because I fear she will put me in hospital. I’m afraid to go to hospital due to some serious medical conditions & that they may take my meds, medical equipment, or management of my illness away from me.
Why is ist so hard to live a “normal” life. WTF is wrong with me?
im rostered to work Sat, Sun, Mon but guess I will be a no show for all of them….
God I hate myself