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Forums / Anxiety / Severe Anxiety from friendship betrayal

Topic: Severe Anxiety from friendship betrayal

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Anon111
    Anon111 avatar
    3 posts
    7 October 2021

    Hello all,
    I’m new here and just needing some support after trying to book in to see someone but there is nothing available :(

    I’m struggling with sever anxiety after my best friend/roommate/business partner betrayed me. It’s a long story but it hurts a lot. I told her everything I was feeling when I found out, she took it on board and actually took some accountability and promised to change - even seeking professional help. I feel like I was so happy about her wanting to changed that I pushed all my pain down so I could focus on her. This was a couple of weeks ago and now all the betrayal trauma is resurfacing and I just don’t know how to cope.

    I’ve been struggling to sleep, eat and focus. I had adhd as well which already doesn’t help with these things. I was having a mental breakdown at work the other day and I messaged her and told her how I was really struggling and her reply just seemed fake and ingenuine. She hasn’t asked me how I am doing once, it’s like she’s forgotten what she did and doesn’t seem to see the impact it’s had on me. I somehow feel like I’m the one walking on egg shells, worried that every thing I say or do is going to annoy her. I feel like she thinks I’m weak for showing emotions so I just have to keep them inside until I just can’t anymore. I can feel her passiveness and I hate it, I overthink enough as it is and it’s just unfair that I’m the one who has to feel like this when she wronged me :(

    We had just started a business together months before I found out about the betrayal, and I just don’t want to throw away all the work I’ve put into it. We also have a lease together, and our lives are just so intertwined so I really wanna make this work but I dont know how. Im just left feeling anxious, angry and trapped.

    Does anyone have any tips on dealing with betrayal trauma and the severe anxiety it brings?

    thank you so much ☺️

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9207 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to Anon111

    Hi Anon, welcome

    As I read your well written post some alarm bells went off. These are revolving around your relationship.

    • It is best not to enter into any business partnership with friends
    • Business is not a good thing to get involved in when you have a mental illness.
    • We cannot expect anyone to understand us nor support us with our MI. Those with a MI are the exception (It's why this forum works)

    You won't like my suggestion that you create a plan to sever official ties and if you cannot operate a business on your own don't attempt it.

    If your intertwining is complex now, imagine the future.

    I'm sorry I cannot offer you good news or positive ideas. The following threads can be googled and you might benefit from reading the first post of each.

    Beyondblue topic they just wont understand- why?

    Beyondblue topic if all is lost- be radical

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    92 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to Anon111

    Hi Anon111,

    Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear you've been through so much hurt - betrayal from those close to us is always the hardest to cope with. How you're feeling is very understandable.

    I think the most important thing to focus on right now, before you think about your business and your living situation, or even your friendship, is yourself. Your well being.

    I have a few suggestions you may want to consider...

    You mentioned no one is available - are you referring to available counsellors you could talk to? If so, I'm glad to hear you've started the process but sorry it's taking so long. Beyond Blue offers a phone service you may like to try in the meantime.

    I suffer from quite severe anxiety myself and have been deeply triggered by falling out with a close friend I lived with once. It was very traumatic. Turned my whole world upside down. Talking with my psychologist was really helpful - as was giving myself some space from that house and friend for a while. Do you have a place you could stay for a short time? Just to get some perspective.

    Building in some small steps to manage your anxiety each day could also be helpful. It sounds like your nervous system is really activated, which would keep you more on edge around your friend. Have you tried doing guided meditation or deep breathing exercises to relax?

    Also, if your friend isn't ready or allowing space for you to talk about your feelings, perhaps you could try journalling them? It's a great way to get everything inside you out in a safe space.

    Hope something here helps.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    The Bro avatar
    178 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to Anon111

    Hi there Anon111 and thanks so much for reaching out to the forum.

    I am so sorry to hear about the personal pain this is causing you.

    I am not a qualified life or business coach but can pass on to you how I handled my decision to split with my business partner that was a bit similar.

    You have not mentioned the nature of the betrayal - if I can understand a little more about what the betrayal was it would help. Was it personal or business?

    Anyway a good friend and I owned the Australian import agency for a brand of sports goods. He handled the importing, I set up the distribution network and agents in each state. He was always a little 'loose' with details which got us into trouble with the Government over import duty. We managed to sort it out then another incident happened which was entirely avoidable and cost us dearly. Then he formed a relationship with our receptionist although married. I thought long and hard if this was the future I wanted as the business grew - it wasn't.

    So I told him I wanted out, and saw an independent accountant about an exit strategy. This is not hard to work out and are based on precedents. The business was valued, we agreed a timeframe, my financial responsibilities were erased and we parted on reasonable terms. The business went broke less than a year later. Phew! I was glad I acted when I did.

    I see that your partner seems to not have much empathy for you and little respect. As a small business grows, partners must have the ability to discuss and resolve problems because they will certainly arise - financial, premises, salary levels, profit sharing etc etc. Do the two of you have a formal agreement? Is it a partnership? What happens with financial responsibilities - funding, loans, debtor control?

    With Microsoft, Bill Gates and Paul Allen often disagreed but managed to sort things out as they respected each others abilities and input. Lots of sparks all the time for many years. But as the business grew, Allen was blindsided by Gates and decided to exit the company after many disagreements. Allen was happy as that made him a very rich man.

    I guess the point here is that without mutual respect, understanding, communication and empathy, a partnership will not prosper.

    Most accountants can give you clear advice on this, and Google will have lots of info on partnership and business dissolution.

    I sincerely hope this helps a little Anon111 - I am very happy to discuss further if that would help.

    All the very best, The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Anon111
    Anon111 avatar
    3 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    Thank you, this is all very helpful! I did actually leave for a week to gain some perspective, but as soon as I was on my way back home the anxiety returned and I had to go to the doctors this morning and ask them for some medication to get me through until I can see a psychologist. It really sucks.

    Im sorry you had to go through a similar thing with a friend. I’ve been betrayed many times romantically, but by someone who was meant to be my best friend. It just hurts soo much more.

    hopefully will be feeling better after speaking to a professional.

    I appreciate your advice 🤍

  6. Anon111
    Anon111 avatar
    3 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to white knight
    Thank you for your response. Never really thought of it like that but I guess you’re right. Kinda depressing but solid advice. You’re completely right, if it’s already this complicated it’s not going to get any easier. Thank you 🤍
    1 person found this helpful
  7. 2teray
    2teray avatar
    10 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Anon111

    Hi ANon

    my heart goes out to you

    I unfortunately do not have any helpful advice I just wanted to reach out and let you know you’re not alone in having others do wrong by you try to stand up for yourself only to be met with excuses lost job, pregnancy, break up, breakdown, bad day, bad bloody hair day and you stuff down what you were wanting a sincere apology and support for your pain you focus on what’s upsetting them (their excuses for treating you poorly) but once they are comforted and able to move on your own feelings resurface because they were never really considered in the first place then if you dare to bring it up you’re causing trouble it’s like hang on a minute when is it your turn to care about my pain?
    I unfortunately have experienced this with every single relationship I have ever had and now know it’s me, I set myself up by giving kindness compassion and forgiveness and just sit back waiting for it to come my way. I couldn’t cope anymore and I developed agoraphobia I rarely leave my home - absolutely terrified of “nice” people because it’s been my life experience they use you drain you hurt you then dump you if you try to say you deserve respect and consideration too.
    I truly hope you get all the help and support you need to get through this difficult time and find truly wonderful people who if they let you down, betray you or disrespect you learn from it and do their best to not do it again and show you compassion and kindness while you’re recovering from the pain they caused you. Everyone deserves a second chance in my opinion but the second chance must come with real change otherwise it’s just a second chance to do the same things again.
    I wish you well i don’t have answers I’m sorry I’m searching for answers myself

    take care 😊

  8. aj127
    aj127 avatar
    2 posts
    22 October 2021 in reply to Anon111

    I understand how you feel as my anxiety was first triggered by friends betraying me when I was in primary school, it has a huge effect on how you feel.

    I hope things get better for you soon <3

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