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Forums / Depression / Existential depression

Topic: Existential depression

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. GuestQM
    GuestQM avatar
    4 posts
    23 March 2020
    I feel like no one understands me, and it makes me incredibly lonely.
    It started when I was in school, and I thought it would get better as I grow older. I’m now approaching 30, but I’m still not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
    I tried to understand others, to listen to their problems without judgement, and to give advice (when asked). I’ve been told that I’m a good listener and a good friend. But when I need someone to talk to, no one seems to understand. Sometimes I am misinterpreted, other times I am ignored and even criticised. It seems the more I try, the more I am misunderstood, and the more I feel frustrated.
    I hate going out to parties or meetup groups. Everyone seems to talk over each other, and no one listens. The more I socialise, the lonelier I feel.
    I tried to improve myself, to read books, to try to think more rationally, to communicate more clearly, so that others can understand me better. But after years of trying, it all seems fruitless.
    It’s no one’s fault, really. I have a sensitive temperament that makes me a little out of sync, a little hard for others to understand, I know that. I can’t change who I am, nor can I change other people. But this doesn’t make things better.
    On most days, I’m okay. I’ve adapted by spending most of my non-working time alone at home, reading books, watching movies, etc. I like stories that have some philosophical themes, e.g. existentialist writers like Sartre, Camus, Kafka, etc. Some of these may be depressing, but at least they make me feel understood, which is something that the people in my life cannot provide.
    I can feel myself changing over time, becoming more isolated, more cynical, more resentful, and less trustful towards other people. I know how counter-productive it is, but I don’t know how else to cope.
    On some bad days I feel like wanting to end all of this. I just came out of a bad depression, where I spent days in bed and even had suicidal thoughts… right now I’m feeling a little better.
    I’m thinking of seeing a psychologist. But where do I start? I don’t even know the name of my problems, other than ‘depression’ and ‘loneliness’. The few counsellors/therapists I’ve tried were of no help at all, and I often felt worse after speaking to them.
    I’m also thinking of moving to another city and start over (after the virus ends), but I’m not sure if this would help. I’d hate to waste so much effort just to end up back at the same place.
    I guess I’m just hoping to find people are in the same situation, or have been through something similar… what worked for you? how did things improve?
    Anyway, thanks for reading through all of this…
    3 people found this helpful
  2. Guest_201
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_201 avatar
    1293 posts
    23 March 2020

    Hi GuestQM, welcome to the forums. I'm very sorry to hear about your story and struggles. I'm here to listen, is there anything you'd like to talk about, anything I can do and try to support you with? I'm listening, take care and be safe please. I'm thinking of you and concerned for you and your safety. I think you were brave enough to join the forums and share your story so you should be proud of that itself.

    Take care.

    Tayla

  3. wannabe_alpha
    wannabe_alpha avatar
    50 posts
    23 March 2020 in reply to GuestQM

    Hello Dear!

    First of all you are not at all alone! Its really nice that you listen to others and be a good friend.

    Personally I am a similar person like you. I dont like just everyday gossip. I also love philosophy, history, self-help stuff and autobiographies especially. I love talks which would actually give me more knowledge.

    It looks like you have'nt found the right type of friends! Its hard finding the right type of friends, who would be really non-judgemental.

    However, please dont mind when people are harsh or too much judgemental on you. Yous should try seeking out explicit feedback from them regarding something or some events. However if the people are too much negetively condescending on you, you should use your discretion with a calm mind. Its hard, but keep your mind calm.

    I dont know about your background and situation in Aus here, but personally I am struggling with friends too. Thats probably coz I dont have time for boring people, or too much negetive people., and they also avoid me. Thus, I have very few good friends whom I can count upon. Although sometimes friends mi8 not be very interesting or always good, its important to have friends. Thus, I would advice you to keep going out to parties and socialise, even if you dont really enjoy it.

    Now I also have the same feeling. Nobody would like to talk to me or even help me when I really need. However, these are the times to test our friends or potential friends. We should try getting help from as much people as possible, and then we can identify friends from opportunists. I personally have observed that people mi8 hear to your grievances based on a alot of various factors about you (your age, persoanlity, gender, etc). Do not mind when people ignore.

    Next time, just reflect on what percent of conversation is about your grievances? If its 10% or sometime, its alright, but people tend to get bored when such topics cover 50-90% of our conversations. Recently, I had a friend who used to talk always about his grievances, and its really weared me down mentally and came of as really very boring.

    I would also like to advise you to try talking to 5 new people everyday. I have done this. And it really boosts our confidence and its fun! Try joining clubs, sports, gyms etc to get more exposure to people ( I think you already must be doing that!!!?? Sorry for the cliche ;) ) Let me know more about you

    Regards

    1 person found this helpful
  4. GuestQM
    GuestQM avatar
    4 posts
    25 March 2020 in reply to wannabe_alpha

    Hi wannabe_alpha, thanks for the reply. It's good to know that there are others like me out there.

    I'm in good shape on most days and I rarely talk about my grievances. Even when I do, I usually test the waters a little and see how the other person reacts. If it doesn't seem welcoming then I'd move on.

    Anyway, thanks again, I might try some of the things you said.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. GuestQM
    GuestQM avatar
    4 posts
    25 March 2020 in reply to Guest_201
    Hi Tayla, thanks for your kind reply. I'm safe and ok, so please don't be concerned. I don't really need to vent right now, but thank you for offering to listen. I came across some of your other posts as well, and I'm sorry to read about your struggles. I hope things work out for you.
  6. Guest_201
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_201 avatar
    1293 posts
    25 March 2020 in reply to GuestQM
    Don't worry about my struggles GuestQM, but thanks.
  7. wannabe_alpha
    wannabe_alpha avatar
    50 posts
    26 March 2020 in reply to GuestQM

    Its great to know that!!!

    Thus keep trying to meet new people. Explore more. and also let me know of your progress after a few weeks or days! I would be glad to hear and give more explicit feedback/suggestions!

    Sorry if my replies came a little bit harsh on you!

    Regards

  8. felix mendelssohn
    felix mendelssohn avatar
    34 posts
    26 March 2020 in reply to GuestQM

    Hiya GuestQM,

    I don't have too much to say in terms of practical advice for you, unfortunately. However I wanted to say that you're certainly not alone in feeling disconnected from most people. I too thought things would get better when I left school and associated with people at uni, but still I feel like I'm operating on a totally different wavelength to others... it's infuriating and very isolating.

    No one actually seems to care about big issues like philosophy, religion, politics, economics etc. And those that do so often have fixed, closed minds that won't entertain alternative points of view. This just leads to polarisation and renders rational debate impossible. Also, the mere act of venting about this stuff makes me come across as a massive jerk who thinks himself superior to others. There's no way to win it seems.

    I guess what I want to say is that if you want to chat about any deep stuff I'm all ears. From my short time here, I've noticed that these forums attract a fair number of deep thinkers (and weary souls) like yourself, so this is probably a pretty prime space to post and discuss anything that's on your mind. :)

    Felix

    2 people found this helpful
  9. GuestQM
    GuestQM avatar
    4 posts
    31 March 2020 in reply to felix mendelssohn

    Hi Felix, thanks for the message. I very much agree with what you said about some people having fixed / closed minds. I find that the internet tends to make this even worse and bring out the uglier side in all of us (e.g. reddit, twitter etc.) This is why I'm a little reluctant to engage in online discussions on big issues, and prefer to try to meet people offline. Unfortunately that can often be a bit of hit and miss. If you know of any tips to find like-minded people, I'd love to know :)

    Anyway thanks again for your reply, it's good to know that I'm not alone :)

  10. wannabe_alpha
    wannabe_alpha avatar
    50 posts
    2 April 2020 in reply to GuestQM
    You can try joining social/cultural clubs for that.
  11. missingpuzzlepiece
    missingpuzzlepiece avatar
    8 posts
    2 April 2020 in reply to GuestQM

    Hey GuestQM,

    you are begining to see there are more of you than you realised, the problem is, we are all sitting at home wondering where al the normal are and then analyse the ins and outs of what life might be like if we met them.

    Your grievances will never go down well with others, because you already come prepared, you have your references and dot points to all that it may entail, where others want to flitter over topics, the detail isnt important for them, and that is ok. Their opinions may frustrate you, and that is ok too, because you already know you frustrate them at times, so it equals out doesnt it? When they bring up their greivances, simply agree with them. Oh yes terrible isnt it, oh no what are we all to do! Why? because they are only venting. Remember you analyse, they may not to the same degree, so the response sought is very different. You want discussion, they want to vent.

    Socialising is about fun, and while you may enjoy a debate on philosphy beyond the catchprhases, others are not there to stress any intellectual thoughts, its about fun. Conversation will be light, it wil be frantic, the rules of conversatin gone, for free flowing outbursts and banter. You can enjoy it too, jsut listen, follow what you can, dont think of replies, jsut listen. If anyone says, You're quiet... just smile and say YEP. The ONLY reason why they said this, is beacuse they thought you might be feeling left out, and were trying to include you. Nothing else, you smiling says you are fine.

    So make a list of your favourite speakers, find out if/when they will be in Australia and buy a ticket. Go to the venue, and smile and nod at those sitting around you. When its over, look around and remark how great that was, hoping it will be or that might get awkward. If a person responds, well apart from "be quiet it hasnt ended yet", then there is a conjuncture of possible freinship forming, because everyone in that room, is your kind of people.

    and one last for the road... Cheers!

  12. Lenscap
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Lenscap avatar
    7 posts
    3 April 2020 in reply to missingpuzzlepiece

    Hey man,

    Great reading list. Maybe byron put it the best; "those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life."

    Im gonna call you out because I did the same thing. The intellectual limit you are putting on life is more powerful than the obstacles holding back your happiness.

    The phone, internet and computer all may feel like friends, but really they are a devil.

    Im not suggesting you need to live in a cave, the opposite exactly. Aspire the tennets of the romantics and reconnect with the aesthetic of nature. Eudaimonia man its the key!

    The key to a better life is in fact also the key to your front door.

    The Greeks believed it was as much a sin to neglect the body while exercising the mind as to do the inverse.

    Honestly, there is no escape from the lethargy, it is in fact a cruel signal that we need to move more.

    It's so absurd (as the existentialists would say) that a walk around the block could lead to a more fulfilling life, but the reality is you can't plan it out, you must probabilistically improve your chances of finding happiness and that begins with changing your environment.

    I would recommend meeting a GP, not for the intellectual conversation because you will be underwhelmed, but as an empirical measure of your success and a guide through the financial support available on your journey. Balls in your court man. Time to step up and head out. No more excuses.

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