I feel like no one understands me, and it makes me incredibly lonely.
It started when I was in school, and I thought it would get better as I grow older. I’m now approaching 30, but I’m still not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to understand others, to listen to their problems without judgement, and to give advice (when asked). I’ve been told that I’m a good listener and a good friend. But when I need someone to talk to, no one seems to understand. Sometimes I am misinterpreted, other times I am ignored and even criticised. It seems the more I try, the more I am misunderstood, and the more I feel frustrated.
I hate going out to parties or meetup groups. Everyone seems to talk over each other, and no one listens. The more I socialise, the lonelier I feel.
I tried to improve myself, to read books, to try to think more rationally, to communicate more clearly, so that others can understand me better. But after years of trying, it all seems fruitless.
It’s no one’s fault, really. I have a sensitive temperament that makes me a little out of sync, a little hard for others to understand, I know that. I can’t change who I am, nor can I change other people. But this doesn’t make things better.
On most days, I’m okay. I’ve adapted by spending most of my non-working time alone at home, reading books, watching movies, etc. I like stories that have some philosophical themes, e.g. existentialist writers like Sartre, Camus, Kafka, etc. Some of these may be depressing, but at least they make me feel understood, which is something that the people in my life cannot provide.
I can feel myself changing over time, becoming more isolated, more cynical, more resentful, and less trustful towards other people. I know how counter-productive it is, but I don’t know how else to cope.
On some bad days I feel like wanting to end all of this. I just came out of a bad depression, where I spent days in bed and even had suicidal thoughts… right now I’m feeling a little better.
I’m thinking of seeing a psychologist. But where do I start? I don’t even know the name of my problems, other than ‘depression’ and ‘loneliness’. The few counsellors/therapists I’ve tried were of no help at all, and I often felt worse after speaking to them.
I’m also thinking of moving to another city and start over (after the virus ends), but I’m not sure if this would help. I’d hate to waste so much effort just to end up back at the same place.
I guess I’m just hoping to find people are in the same situation, or have been through something similar… what worked for you? how did things improve?
Anyway, thanks for reading through all of this…