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Forums / Depression / Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

Topic: Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

  1. therising
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    23 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Might sound a bit strange but I've found, when it comes to progress, I can experience a depressing kind of progress at times. I know that sounds contradictory in a way, for how can you have a depressing form of progress. What comes to mind is 'The more awake you are, the more you begin to see what the problem is or what the issues are. The more awake you are, the more these things become magnified'. So, it's like you can be half asleep to the need to experience a deeper kind of love and then suddenly you fully wake up to it, this need, only to find it's not there in the form you'd like most. All the ways it's not there become magnified. It's all studied carefully under a microscope. I suppose you could say you're 100% fully conscious of the need to experience love but not 100% fully conscious of all the ways in which you could go about finding it. Life can feel kind of cruel in a way, how this happens. It would be so much kinder if life handed us all the knowledge we needed in relation to what we've just woken up to.

    I recall, a couple of years back, where I'd woken up to certain aspects of myself and of life. While I was excited, I also felt so incredibly lost. Whenever I feel this way I have a trusted guide who I go to. When I met up with him and described to him the ways in which I'd woken up at this point in my life, he smiled. He was happy for me. He gave me some brilliant advice which, looking back over the past couple of years, was spot on. He said something along the lines of 'I want you to imagine you've come to the edge of where you've been and here you are on the top of a cliff, surveying this incredible land before you, one you never fully realised existed until now. It is so incredibly expansive to the point where there appears to be no end to it. While you cannot wait to get started, I want you to stand there for a while and just take it all in. Don't be in such a hurry to get to anywhere in particular, as things will naturally unfold as you go along'. This can be incredibly hard to do, simply survey, when instant satisfaction can feel so fulfilling.

    What put me on that verge, surveying everything I was about to explore in life, was profound. I'd woken up to who I am and I truly fully loved and accepted myself for the first time ever. That's what put me on the verge of change, self love and self acceptance.

    Are you beginning to wake up to/feel the stirrings of self love and self acceptance? If so, you are on the verge of change :)

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Daniel12
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    23 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    It doesn’t sound strange to be honest it makes perfect sense to me and I can relate to that, you have described it far better than I have been able to explain. It has been feeling like two steps forward and one step back for me and I think as you say I’m at a point where I’m potentially more aware of what I am and what makes me valuable the way I am without fully realising it. The inability to fully believe is the “step back” I think I’m experiencing and probably a fault of mine is I get angry at myself for doing this and then ensues the depressed like feelings.

    What your friend told you is very powerful I think, particularly where you say “don't be in such a hurry to get to anywhere in particular, as things will naturally unfold as you go along”. I think the loneliness I feel magnifies intensely that I want a partner and it probably makes me feel pressure to find this right away to help quell those feelings. Not sure if that makes sense to you at all.

    Maybe I need to somehow find ways to relax and allow for things to naturally unfold as your friend mentions. I probably struggle with practical ways to do this as when I’m on my own my mind starts racing again, I think this is the part of the loneliness I hate the most is what it does to my mind because I can’t seem to switch off. I guess the fact that I have been committed to working through all this is somewhat of a positive.

    I think I am learning to accept myself I think maybe I get down on myself when I have one of those “step back” moments because it feels like I’ll never truly get rid of self doubt and loneliness. Maybe another detrimental aspect of me is I feel uncomfortable in releasing control to let things naturally occur because I feel pressure that if I am not spending my spare time seeking out and working on things like finding a partner I’ll never find it and this actually exhausts me as well. I’m probably not very good at managing loneliness to be honest.

    Someone mentioned to me the other day, have I maybe started the process of “realising my confidence” and only just scratched the surface of it. They mentioned some people develop it when they are 16/17 others at my age and others when they are older. Maybe I have started this process but there’s still opposing feelings (ie lonely, self questioning) that need to ironed out and worked on further.

    I have lost my way at times this year which has disappointed me also but maybe I needed to a bit

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  3. Daniel12
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    23 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi again therising

    Just wanted to add something further on a side note.

    Just wanted to wish you a very happy festive season and a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you get to enjoy it with family and friends and hopefully have a good relaxing break! One thing I am very grateful for this Christmas was being able to converse on a forum like this and you have been an extraordinary help and I find myself using some of the wise words of advice you’ve imparted on me on others and I hope one day to be a help to others as you are doing!

    Just wanted to add that to the below quickly!

    Daniel

  4. therising
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    23 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I find there are times where I have to practice being my natural self. Kind of strange when I think about it really, practicing being me. I suppose what I'm saying is there are the occasional times where I may let my natural self down by reverting back to acting how others would like me to act. For example, someone may say something a little insulting to me and something in me says 'Don't rock the boat. Shrug it off and pretend you didn't hear it or just smile politely'. Later, the natural bi*ch in me may come to life and say 'What the hell was that about? You should have said something, not enable that toxic behaviour'. Maybe I have to practice wondering out loud more often - 'I wonder why you feel the need to be so toxic at times' :) I'm determined to kick the habit of being anyone other than myself. It can be a hard habit to break under certain circumstances. I think as long as we're trying, we can't afford to be too hard on our self. Self mastery is a process, it doesn't happen suddenly. We'll be tested more often than not, to see if we are actually mastering putting our revelations into practice. It's like I can suddenly proclaim through some revelation 'I'm fearless' but there's only one way to find out whether this is the truth - by putting my fearlessness to the test. Beware, this is where that angering and depressing internal dialogue can come into play...

    Just say you face a situation where you get to practice your fearlessness and you find you fall seriously short. Courage goes out the door and what begins to come to mind is 'You'll never be fearless. This is a perfect example' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's follow this up with 'You're so stupid, hopeless'. It's bloody horrible stuff, that internal dialogue. Cue some inspiration: 'This wasn't the right test for you. Why don't you start with something simple, something a little low key to practice on' or 'Why don't you do something absolutely shocking so you'll be shocked by how fearless you are'. Much prefer inspiration. It sounds so much more encouraging :)

    Channeling the right internal dialogue is something else that takes a lot of practice. I suppose you could say hitting on the right internal dialogue is a little like 'channel surfing'.

    Shall sign off with a Buddhist quote which is rather profound as I wish you and yours the absolute best during this season of celebration and reflection.

    'What you are is what you have been. What you will be is what you do now'

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Daniel12
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    24 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    I think I understand what you’re saying and I think I beat myself up a lot over moments where I might revert back to bad habits or internal dialogue. To switch this off is quite hard but like you say it’s a process. I think I can get impatient with myself a lot and want to get to a certain destination quicker than what would be suited for me if that makes sense. I basically struggle to allow myself room to breath because of pressures around me for example find a partner when everyone else has one or thinking I need 100s of friends to be considered favourably by people etc. It’s this weight of pressure that’s hard to manage.

    Also, was wondering if you had ever felt this way but I sort of feel like progress is being made with my own self worth and realisation if that makes sense but I have this sadness deep inside me about being alone which makes any progress seem futile.

    I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way but it’s a deep loneliness that I’ve mentioned before and I am struggling to find ways in which I can manage this feeling. For example I might be good for a few hours and the minute I’m on my own for a moment of reflection I get really down and sad about the fact I don’t have anyone that I connect with or have many people socially outside of family that seem to like me. Then I think how can I be showing progress if I still have these moments.

    I realise 90% of my issues always come back to feeling alone, I really don’t know how to manage this feeling without putting a lot of pressure on myself to find a partner and I don’t won’t to find someone under pressure because it won’t be natural but I also don’t want to experience these lows of sadness I get because of it. That probably makes no sense at all it’s just really scrambling my brain, particularly this time of year.

    I thought things may have been turning for me with that girl I dated but didn’t work and I often beat myself up over it and it’s not really that specific situation it’s more what it stands for and that’s that I feel alone even though I have family around me etc. It’s the root cause of all these spirals I have and I see it now because it always starts with lonely feelings and then I allow it to spiral into other areas like that I’m weird because I’m quiet and other things I have mentioned.

    I am really struggling to help myself just relax and calm these loneliness feelings down, I find it to be a massive challenge. Was wondering if you ever felt similar ?

  6. therising
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    25 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Merry Christmas :)

    I can relate to what you're saying regarding some of the elements involved in becoming your natural self. There can be so much challenge in such a process. It can be such a depressing process at times, one that has led me on occasion to wonder whether I'm returning to depression. You wouldn't think discovering your self would be depressing but I think it can be. I've found it's not all inspiring revelations and pure joy 100% of the time.

    I'd have to say that the most rejection I've ever felt and still feel on occasion involved/involves discovering my natural self. As I've mentioned, I'm one of those 'woo woo' gals, who favours certain elements of spirituality. These elements have gotten me through the toughest of times so, personally, I've found they work well for me. Of course, not everyone's cup of tea and that's not a problem. The problem comes with people rejecting you when you find what works for you. Let's say you reject social media. Suddenly, everyone may say 'There's seriously something wrong with you'. Truth is, there's not. This may simply work well. My 16yo son's like this, has zero interest in social media. He figures he's got better things to do with his time.

    I imagine Christmas lunch today (with 16 of my family members) will be triggering if I was to choose to be my natural self. If I'm to let my natural self wonder out loud, it's definitely going to involve me being seriously rejected. If I wonder at my father as to why he's so self centred at times or I wonder at my sister in law as to why she feels there's no problem flopping her breast out in front of everyone to feed her son or if I'm to wonder at my auntie as to why she feels the compulsion to openly brutally criticise people, you can imagine how that's going to go. Will I do it or won't I? Will I be my natural self or not? I'll let you know how it goes :) I could actually see it as a test. Perhaps I'll accept the test for my mum's sake. She's a beautiful woman who people feel they can do and say whatever they want around. She's stressed about this gathering of insane people today. Btw, I've only mentioned a few of the triggering people coming. There's more. Maybe I'll simply act as a form of amusement for my mum :)

    It can feel lonely at times, discovering your natural self. There can be a bit of rejection from those who can't relate to who you naturally are. It can be tough work, entering into the process of no longer rejecting your self.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Daniel12
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    25 December 2021 in reply to therising
    Hi therising


    Merry Christmas to you also, I hope you have enjoyed your day :)


    How did your Christmas lunch go? How did you manage the different people there?


    I feel despite age difference we may be quite similar in this situation. I have often been one to sit back and let things happen around me more so at social events in particular often grappling whether I am coming across weird for being my more quiet natured self or whether I need to force a more extroverted version of myself out. Often it’s in fear of how I will be judged by others.


    I think it’s very positive you have something, like the spiritual elements you mentioned, that you use to help get you through. I think I probably haven’t got something like this at the moment and it’s part of the problem. I saw a good quote in a biography I have been reading lately that sort of hit home as to what it feels like, “young people don’t take time to stop and seem to be always running but don’t know where they are running to”.


    I think this is how I feel as well, I struggle to just stop sometimes and enjoy. Particularly since lockdowns I haven’t been able to relax and just enjoy things in my life. It feels like I’m always scrambling when trying to find a deeper connection with someone but I actually don’t know what the right path is to find this or where I’ll end up and I feel all over the place as it’s sort of like I’m making it all up as I go and it’s exhausting. This then leads to lonely and depressed feelings that affect my everyday life.


    I seem to worry about things and question myself at every turn and I am tired of this, I struggle to let things take their natural course and I am disappointed in myself that I do this.


    I have struggled more than before lockdowns as I see everyone around me like at a Christmas lunch have a partner to share it with and it makes me feel alone. I think I have made the mistake that I let it define me a bit but I really don’t know the best way to manage the loneliness or the feelings it sparks. My fear is that I can’t manage it, the loneliness and it’ll slowly eat away at me as it has been doing.
  8. therising
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    27 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Christmas day went pretty well. Everyone was on their best behaviour, myself included :) Hoping the day went well for you also.

    Fearing being judged can be a hard habit to break. This is one of the reasons I drank throughout the whole of my 20s. Alcohol brings about a kind of fearlessness but, as I've mentioned before, it can interfere with us naturally progressing to discover a genuine fearlessness. Relying heavily on a mind altering substance isn't the way to go, in my opinion. It took me a long time to love the introvert in me and not see something wrong with it. How does a natural introvert develop extrovert type abilities? I'm still working that out. Knowing, for a start, that I can't do small talk is helpful. Apparently this is a perfectly natural trait of an introvert. I'll look for any lead in to a conversation that doesn't involve small talk. Creating segues out of small talk is another ability. Easier said than done.

    I've heard it said that the brain doesn't finish fully developing until around 25. Experts say the last part to fully develop is that which is responsible for long term vision/planning. It's kind of cruel in a way. It's like having 25 years of not having to plan and then the brain wakes up to the need to plan and we can have no solid plans. 'How do I make plans while stopping to smell the roses?' can become the question. The brain can suddenly be saying 'Okay, where's my future wife/husband? Where's my future home? Where's my future self?', all while another part of us is saying 'Just chill and learn to live in the moment'. It's like you've entered a whole new chapter of life yet you don't have the instruction manual, to be able to reference that chapter.

    Making it all up as you go along is definitely exhausting. Life can feel like some seriously long winded Goldilocks type experiment. In reference to so much in life you can be left asking yourself 'Is this one (thought, action, path etc) too hot (too intense), too cold (not intense enough) or just right?' Why does it take so long to find what's 'just right'? Took me years to reach the conclusion - No one ever showed me how to find what's just right easily. This is why it's so hard. There's little training. One of the most important things we can learn in life is how to gradually and constructively raise our own consciousness. How can we do, easily, what we've never been trained in? Research is key. Occasionally I might ask Google 'How do I raise my own consciousness' :)

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Daniel12
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    27 December 2021 in reply to therising
    Hi therising


    I’m glad to hear your Christmas went pretty well! :) Mine went well also.

    It’s not that I can’t do small talk but I think similar to yourself I will wait for my “cue” so to speak to contribute to a conversation but I am never the focal point. I think I do have the ability to make people laugh and engage then when I do contribute. My disappointment in myself comes because I don’t show it more often because I feel fear of rejection or I feel what I have to say is not valued or taken notice of. Then it turns into pressure to show myself in ways that would be unnatural or try to force contributions out when I’m not really sure how to. If that make sense.
    Then as a off-shoot of this I feel pressure to be fully enjoying myself every moment because I should have the world at my feet at this age and it’ll also make me seem more attractive to potential partners if I am like this.

    I completely get what you’re saying about not really knowing the future plan or having the sort of end goal in mind and no idea how to find it and making it up as you go. In terms of career and things like that I feel settled, it’s more matters concerning emotions and connections I want to form etc.

    For example, I seem to be fixated on how I am going yo meet the right person to share life with. As mentioned before it stems from loneliness, whilst I’m not alone in a family sense I am at a point where I feel lonely regardless of this because I am missing this one thing. People say be yourself because I have a lot going for me and the right one will come but my brain doesn’t allow me yo relax I’m constantly questioning “where will it come from?”, “how will it come?”, “what do I need to do?”. This creates mounting pressure on me and changes my moods significantly.Even Christmas dinner, it was enjoyable but I felt myself pensive thinking about feeling alone.

    To me, I can tell you have a great ability to work through a thought/feeling and rationalise it in a productive and hopeful way. I feel like I’m completely irrational when I think and I get annoyed at myself and lack hope/faith that I am good enough as a person to overcome my sporadic mind and enjoy my life more than I am currently. Why would anyone want someone as sporadic and up and down as myself.

    Do you happen to have any advice on how I can step back and sort of enjoy moments and let go of the pressure I feel to find someone and let it happen naturally? I feel if I’m not actively seeking it then I can’t relax
  10. therising
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    28 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I understand how one can love being engaging. You can love making people laugh, love having them in a state of fascination, love bringing out the wonderer in them and more. When I'm loving bringing people to life, I love myself. I think we all love genuinely loving our self. It's not in an arrogant way but in a really genuine way.

    You could even take it up a notch and have someone say 'I love the way you make me laugh' or 'I love the way you amaze me'. In the case, it's almost like you've created this 2 way channel with which to experience a genuine sense of love or joy, to be had by all.

    Shifting focus away from thinking can be a tough challenge. Maybe what makes it tough is perhaps based on the question 'What are we meant to analyse and what are we not meant to analyse (not think so much about)? Kind of like 'Do I analyse this feeling or just feel it and let it go?' or 'Am I thinking too much about what I'm not meant to be putting too much thought into?'. One conclusion I did reach was if my thinking is distracting me from living, then I'm overthinking. With overthinking, it can lead me to miss significant moments in life. I suppose an example could involve us noticing we're surrounded by happy couples. For you, you may be thinking 'Why am I not a part of a couple? Why am I alone?'. I may be thinking 'I wonder what makes them all so happy? Are they really happy or are some going through challenges behind closed doors, like myself?'. Either way, throughout all this thinking or analysis someone could be talking about the most amazing bar (for example) they went to which is so incredible it can change your life. We don't hear about the bar, we just hear our thoughts. So, we miss hearing about that bar and therefor we don't go. We miss our chance to experience a potentially life changing adventure because we're distracted by our thoughts which have gotten in the way of living. 'Are my thoughts distracting me or stopping me from living?' can become a key question.

    Btw, I've found up and down (sporadic thoughts) can be a natural part of the process of 'leveling out'. When one minute we can feel totally grounded and the next we can be off with the fairies/daydreaming/wondering/imagining/stressing, leveling out is somewhere in between. We can't live life while 100% in our imagination/our thoughts and we can't live it 100% grounded without risk taking or vision.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Daniel12
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    28 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    I think where you say if your thinking is distracting you then you’re overthinking this is very relatable. It’s exactly what I feel is happening to me and stopping me from fully enjoying myself or letting things naturally come to me.

    Sorry to mention it again but I feel like the key cause of this is feeling lonely all the time, I don’t really have many friends to talk to and the ones I do have don’t reach out or take ages to get back to me when I do. Therefore what happens is I spend so much time on my own thinking and overthinking that I’ve developed this habit and it happens now when I’m even with family. For example, at Christmas dinner I am there contributing and then all of a sudden it’s like a switch goes off in my brain and I’m present without being fully present because my minds elsewhere. Just makes me feel horrible about myself.

    I feel, and it sounds silly to say given the stuff I’ve said, that I am making progress on being comfortable in my personality type…that more quiet, soft natured type of person. I’m starting to see it is likeable overall.

    The issue is just this focusing a lot on feeling loneliness and this constant overthinking. Also lately I just feel flat like I’m not looking forward to the New Year because I see it as a another year of fighting against myself in my head. People say to be get out and find new friends etc but I don’t think they realise even after I tell them how much I’ve tried to do this and I am exhausted.
    Just feel an incredible pressure to be 100% all the time because of the things I have going for me and because people tell me to be and then add pressures to find friends and a partner it’s suffocating.

    Interestingly I think from the outside looking in I manage it all pretty well, I’ve had people I have told of my struggle with this be very surprised because they believe I don’t give this off at all. But I think many people would be like that.

    Basically feels a bit like I’m going round and round in circles and you probably can tell this from my posts to you and my intention isn’t to be frustrating or anything because your words of advice have been really great and I often re-read them. I get angry at myself for being like this.

    This time of year doesn’t help as I see a lot of people around me doing things and I really don’t have anything planned at all. My family is my family and will always be there so it’s not about that more so socially.

  12. therising
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    29 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    It's tough when the pressure's on to establish a friendship group. Can recall a few people giving me grief over this for some years until they finally gave up. 'You have to get out and meet new people' was the typical line. The thing is, for me, I didn't want to establish new friendship groups until I really felt the need within myself. My life was busy enough and I regarded family members as friends. My reply to those who couldn't help but push was 'There is a season'. It's in reference to there being a time for everything. There will be times where I put myself out there and times where I won't. I'm not someone who makes friends for the sake of making friends. For me, there has to be more to it than this. I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I want to establish a new circle of friends? What is my problem?' I eventually realised it wasn't a problem, it was a preference. Others were turning it into a problem, based on their perspective.

    Wondering a little more about your sister's circle of friends. If you get along well with them, I'm wondering why they're not also your circle of friends. Perhaps they're not entirely your type of people. As I may have mentioned, my sister's circle of friends eventually became my circle. While my sister's ex husband has well and truly moved out of this circle, I'm still married to he who was his best mate at the time and I still see people from this group. My sister's been one of my closest friends for years by the way. I think some may have judged this as me initially being a 'hanger on' to her circle but I'm glad I hung on, as my current life stemmed from this group of people. I have my amazing kids because of someone I met in that group.

    Without being able to entirely see how things pan out, I can't assume that a group I meet in the future won't hold one key person within it. For example, I can be destined to meet a group who I don't entirely vibe well with but within it holds a person who has another circle outside that group. Perhaps the key person is key to me meeting that other circle, full of people I vibe best with. This may be the case with your sister's friendship group. I suppose this is the way I've almost always met new people, through links.

    Is there a group of people right under your nose who you really vibe well with? Doesn't necessarily matter about their age, for perhaps they're simply a link to those who you're on the verge of meeting.

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  13. Daniel12
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    29 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    I have been going through very similar to what you described where people say I have to go out with new people and it’s almost like they think I can just pluck it out of thin air. It’s very suffocating because I feel pressure to do this in order for me to meet a partner like you were able to through the group of friends you found. It leads to getting disheartened because it’s not that I am not likeable but I feel I am not memorable to new groups so I find it hard to assimilate in wider groups as I’ve often been forgotten after first meetings and I don’t like to impose myself. Probably partially my fault when I think about it due to anxiousness.

    I did sort of make a step forward or it might not be but in the regard of making new connections, I fought off a bit of apprehension and anxiety to ask my friend and his girlfriend if they know of anyone I might be able to connect with or someone I might be suited to as a partner and if so I’d be happy to meet these people. I’m saying this although they’ve said there’s someone and we’ll do like a games night to all meet, I don’t hold out hope for this because knowing my friends it probably won’t be organised and I don’t want yo impose further to push it.

    In terms of my sisters friends, I have been on some golf days with her fiancés friends who I all get along with ok but the group is sort of set in stone and I am not really that well known around them as I tend to keep to myself in daily life and don’t do things like post on social media etc so it may be awkward for me to all of sudden join in.

    I feel very confused as to how I should be feeling going into the new year. On the one hand, I graduated my engineering degree and got promoted in my student role at the company I work for to become full time and I have got myself in shape and things like that so I feel I should be happy with myself but the one area I’m lacking is a partner and I go down because of it. I look into the new year after all the false starts and false hopes I’ve been sold and I feel like not much is going to change. At a time where I should be high on confidence I am not and I feel disappointed in myself.

    There’s events like a friends wedding and my sisters wedding coming up that I should be looking forward to but I’m incredibly anxious about them because I’m alone at these events and have nothing to offer.

    It’s like I’m riding waves, one wave that’s rational thoughts followed by one that’s the complete opposite.

  14. therising
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    30 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I wonder whether you feel like you're being tested in some way, with you mentioning the waves of rational and opposing thoughts.

    • A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to push your friends to organise that games night
    • A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to practice golfing
    • A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to become more memorable to certain people

    Of course, these are just examples, yet the question remains 'Where are the rational thoughts coming from?'. Personally, I found it incredibly helpful to identify certain parts of myself, something I've touched on before. I've found if I can consciously label these different aspects of myself then I can consciously call upon one when needed. Each aspect of self is a leader of sorts, leading me to a desired result. If I was to find myself in a situation which was intolerable, such as being shut down repetitively in a conversation with a degrading narcissist, I could not tolerate this conversation if I was my gentle self. As my gentle self, I might clam up, become anxious or maybe even cry. In this situation, if I was to channel my intolerant self it would be very different. My intolerant sense of self would lead me to tell them their attitude is intolerable. It would lead me to understand it's perfectly rational to be shutting this down. In this case, I'm being tested to channel a sense of self that serves me best, one that also leads me to greater self esteem.

    The thing about channeling or calling upon a different aspect of yourself, there's no acting involved. A particular sense of self just naturally comes up to serve us in some way. It's not easy by the way. Sometimes this can shake you up. Eg: There might be a moment where someone calls upon an aspect of themself that will no longer tolerate terrible long term abuse. Suddenly they may find themself having a massive vent at someone because they just can't take the abuse anymore. They can be left quite shaken after their intolerant or courageous self has come to life. Or you can have the 'Go get 'em' part of yourself saying 'You got this. Go for it'. You go for it, while perhaps shaking a little through your rise to courage. With every test you master, you get closer to being a full master, less shaken up over time.

    Perhaps this coming year will be a year that tests you to graduate to becoming more masterful. Perhaps it will be your year of conscious evolution :)

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    30 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    I think you raise another good point. It sort of feels like I’m challenging myself to start rationalising certain thoughts I have been having for a long period of time.

    What I would like in the new year is not to go through what seems to be a repeating cycle in my head each day.
    What I feel I go through each day is from moment I wake up to the moment I sleep at night I’m continually working through these up and down thoughts. I’ll have an hour or so of “irrationality” and then it’s almost like a light bulb moment where for a couple hours I’m rational. Then what confuses me is with no real trigger I go back to the other mode of thinking. This by the end of the night is exhausting.
    It’s a very internal thing and I feel I can operate despite this ok.

    The weekends is where its more severe because I am on my own and I feel pressure that at my age I need to be out and doing things all the time if I want to meet people etc. I used to really enjoy my own company and would do things like spend a few hours training or going for a longer walk and I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
    It’s not that I hate my own company now it’s just become a bit uncomfortable and sad in a way but I’m trying to work out whether that’s just coming from pressure i put on myself to have massive groups of friends or find a partner.

    I hope in the new year I can start to listen to the rational thoughts I know I have in me and relax my mind from worrying about things that don’t align with who I believe I am and discovering myself to be.

    I think I am a very deep thinker and it can go to an extent where it is detrimental to my enjoyment of life because I get drained and I start to believe the negative thought loops and I find it hard to pull myself out of the black hole of continuous thinking and thinking and thinking.

    I don’t think overall it’s a bad thing that I’m a deep thinker but I think all the alone time throughout lockdowns created a pattern where I’d get lost down a rabbit hole of thoughts and I felt too weak in the mind to pull myself out of it and it therefore effects my mood and enjoyment of daily life. I really admire people with the ability to almost stop trains of thought and allow themselves to relax and enjoy moments.

    When you were around my age did you feel like you were going through this at all? If so, how were you able to sort of manage continuous thinking to the point where it makes you anxious and effects moods like I have mentioned?

  16. james1
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    31 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Merry Christmas Daniel12 and Therising,

    Sorry I've been a bit absent. I was away over CHristmas so never really go tmuch of a chance to reply.

    Congrats on the promotion and graduation Daniel12! That's exciting.

    I know you were asking therising, about their experiences with all these thoughts at your age - I hope you do not mind if I pipe in here. I think it's something that can affect people of all different ages, because it's just a very human thing to have doubts and it can be really debilitating if you don't have the support you need to help you through it.

    I was speaking to someone else on these forums who I think was 25ish and had similar challenges with having looping negative thoughts that they just couldn't get rid of, and it was really affecting their life. In my own experience with those kinds of thoughts, it is really hard to get rid of them and sometimes you just end up having a really bad day. My approach was really focussed around making sure I would be okay if I was having a bad day, rather than avoiding the bad day. It might just be specific to me, but I found it easier and less anxiety-causing to just accept that some days were going to be bad, but if I could have a system of taking care of myself, I could get by and work on other things to improve my life overall.

    What are your thoughts on that? I don't know if it's necessarily a great strategy, but I just found it put a lot less pressure on myself to feel good and to not be as affected by bad days and set-backs like you mentioned before.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  17. therising
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    31 December 2021 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    James offers some brilliant advice, preparing for the tougher days. I'd never really considered this before. My basic plan was always to 'just get through the tough days', which is not really much of a plan at all. Personally, I got through the whole of my 20s by drinking/self medicating. It was so incredibly self destructive but, over all, it was based on me trying to cope with depression. Of course, alcohol is a depressant, so you can imagine how that went.

    I definitely find analysing/thinking to be a bit of a trap at times. While it makes perfect sense to analyse a situation, mentally process its challenges toward solutions, you can get trapped in it until the solution/s come to mind. While one challenge may take a day of thinking before a solution comes to mind, another may take a month or a year. So, you're trapped in thinking about it/analysing it for a month or a year. I found one of things that makes some difference at times comes down to wondering whether particular opportunities hold a solution or part solution to a problem...

    Just say the problem or challenge comes down to someone finding a job, while they may not have the confidence required to pull off a successful job interview. They can think 'I can't sit for job interviews because I'm terrible at them'. One person comes along and shows them the basics of a successful job interview yet they think 'I can't do that'. Five job opportunities come up yet they think 'I can't take them because those jobs are 'Just not me''. So, they remain without a job. The 1st was an opportunity to develop a skill set and the remaining 5 opportunities were about practicing that skill set. They had the chance to practice an interview 5 times before going for the job they actually want. You could even say by the 5th interview they may have become more thoughtless to a degree (generating less thought) because they may have developed some natural abilities that don't require much thought in an interview, like thoughtlessly identifying where the interviewee chair will be positioned in the room or thoughtlessly getting a feel for the difference between a relaxed interviewer and one who's highly strung.

    We can think our way out of opportunities which lead to natural development. It can be a real challenge to develop the attitude 'I'll take this opportunity and see what comes from it'. Channeling the curious part of our self could be the way to go, while that fearful part of us is forced to take a back seat.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    31 December 2021 in reply to james1

    Hi James

    Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it and I always find if a certain strategy works for you then that’s great!

    I think what you said about pressure to feel good I can relate to because I do feel pressure to feel 100% all of the time so that other family members don’t worry about me because they tend to do this and I don’t want that.

    I think what happens on the bad days is I go down a rabbit hole and I focus too much on the fact it’s a “bad day”. I should probably accept that it’s one of those days and focus on an hour at a time to help get me through. Not really sure how I’d manage it but I’ll try it.

    Thanks again for your advice

    Daniel

  19. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    31 December 2021 in reply to therising
    Hi therising

    What you said about thinking before a solution for a month or a year is exactly how I feel with find a long term partner. I don’t think I will be able to stop until I manage to find someone. The challenge is being able to think more clearly and logically about it so that it doesn’t affect my moods the way it has been and consume my life.

    Maybe the opportunity is this games night my friend mentioned where there may be someone who is compatible with me as has been mentioned to me. This is relatively out of my control because they said they will organise it as they know the people. I have said I’m open to the opportunity of meeting this person so I guess that’s some sort of step in the right direction. I don’t actually think this will go ahead but maybe it’s these type of things I need to try and pursue however limited these opportunities are.

    I think a lot of it as well is I’m worrying in anticipation that we’ll spend another 3/4 months in lockdown and then my chances of finding someone again drop dramatically and I don’t have the energy to go through what I did this year with trying online again and again. As mentioned my social circle is not huge so it will definitely be very hard if this situation arises again.

    I think part of the problem with the thinking I do on repeat is I can create scenarios in my head which are irrational and not likely at all to happen and it either works me up with anxiety or brings me down to a depression where I end up just doing nothing with myself and beat myself up over it. I’m working hard to try and manage this type of thing and not let it spiral. I use the advice that I’ve been given on here to help me.

    I’ve just been looking toward the new year with not much hope of things changing but I think I need to change the narrative in my head a bit to the opposite line of thinking. I guess I just feel uncomfortable with how things are and how it feels like it’s just making it up as I go with no real idea of what to do.

    I hope you have a good New Year’s Eve and the new year is filled with joy for you!
  20. therising
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    1 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Hoping your crossover into the new year went well. As my son said to me around 5 past 12 this morning 'Gee, I'm glad that year's over'. He really put things into perspective for me. Another way of putting it, I suppose, is 'The worst is now behind me. I'm glad I got that out of the way'. I wanted to share his perspective with you, in the hope that it helps make some difference :)

    You mention, 'The challenge is being able to think more clearly and logically about it so that it doesn’t affect my moods the way it has been and consume my life.'. I've found this is one of the toughest things in life to master, especially when you're sensitive enough to feel your thoughts and experiences. Pure 100% logic over feeling really is tough. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. You know what it's like, you can be thinking 'Okay, I've got this, I'm not feeling effected by this thought. All's good'. Then the next thought comes in and it's like 'Damn, I can feel this one. I thought I had it mastered, this 'not feeling my thoughts' business'. I once heard someone speak of how to manage this to some degree. What they advised was 'There's nothing wrong with feeling a thought. The problem comes with being stuck in that feeling'. Their advice was to observe the feeling, acknowledge it with gratitude (based on it telling you something important) and then let the feeling in your body go, once you've given the respect to it that it deserves. Easier said than done at times, that's for sure. So, the idea is not to remain triggered by that feeling. Never thought about this before but I suppose you could define a mood as 'the state of remaining with a feeling'. Let go of the feeling in your body and your over all mood can change. Finding ways to vent that feeling is so important, when it just wants to hang around. Working it out (a workout) at the gym might be one way. Some will cry it out, scream it out or run it out on a treadmill. Others may talk it out or vent it out through mindful breath work. Some may stretch it out, if that feeling comes with physical tension. The list goes on. Whatever works. Perhaps it's a matter of 'Now that I've worked that feeling out of my body, I can get on with thinking logically'. While feelings are incredibly handy at times (helping us get a natural feel for things, people or situations), they can definitely get in the way of pure logic.

    Perhaps the all sports idea for this year may prove to be a very constructive work out.

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    1 January 2022 in reply to therising
    Hi therising


    Firstly, happy new year and I wish you nothing but good fortune in 2022.
    Also wanted to thank you for all your kind words of support and great advice in 2021. I’m sorry if it may feel like it falls on deaf ears sometimes but I can assure you it certainly hasn’t. Your advice and the way you articulate it has relaxed me and I often revisit your advice and remind myself of things you have said so it’s been a massive help! You are a wonderful and wise person!


    Funnily enough, what your son said was my thought to my mum at midnight (maybe with a bit more colourful language haha). I’m hoping that despite all the challenges last year that it was the year I needed to set me on my way use all I’ve learnt to help me.


    I think you articulate very well the challenge of being able to recognise a thought/feeling and let it go. I’m not sure whether you ever practiced meditation but I remember from when I briefly tried it, it practiced the idea you mentioned to recognise the feeling and accept it and let it pass through your body so you can move on.
    I definitely need to do as you say and develop some ways to vent out these feelings rather then letting them get stuck in my head. A good thing is that I exercise often like going to the gym, I think I got a bit stuck when I was told I was not able to play soccer anymore because I stopped exercising because I used to go to the gym for the purpose of gaining strength/conditioning for sport and I let it disappoint me to a point where I stopped. I have started going again and I will continue to go because it now should be medicine for my mind!


    I was also thinking over the last couple days to keep a journal throughout this year, maybe not everyday but particularly on the bad days when my thought patterns are a bit haywire.


    I need to work on letting things that have plague my mind like having no partner and not knowing where I’ll find one or feeling alone and not having a large amount of friends define my general happiness in daily life because it’s an exhausting process.


    I hope I have the strength inside me to persist with working on this and turn the corner this year
    1 person found this helpful
  22. therising
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    3 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Hoping your new year transition went off without a hitch. It's funny how you can sometimes feel that crossover point, that countdown to zero with all the fireworks in the first seconds of the new year. It's like 'Okay, I feel hopeful' and then you wake up on the 2nd of January and can be left thinking 'I really don't feel all that different. Damn!' Maybe it's natural inspiration we're feeling during the crossover and then inspiration loses momentum, which means the ultimate challenge is to keep it going. It can't be maintained without work and progress. So much easier if inspiration was a constant :)

    You have also woken me up to a lot throughout the time we've been chatting. If not for you, I wouldn't have had some of the revelations I've had, which have changed the way I think and feel about certain things and people. I've made progress in life because of you. The people you mention in your life who insist you have a great impact on people are absolutely spot on.

    I'm glad you've returned to the gym, that you see it as something separate from soccer. It's interesting how people use the gym in different ways. Those who go in the morning might be going to work out that relaxed feeling in their body that comes from being asleep for hours. They go to vibe up. Some who go in the evening go to work out the stress of the day. Others go to work out other things, such as with working out 'I don't want to be someone who doesn't have muscle tone' or 'I don't want to be someone who has too much unhealthy fat in my body' or 'I don't want to be someone who doesn't have a lack of routine'. At the gym, everyone's working out something, in one way or another.

    The journal sounds like a brilliant idea. Journaling the good days too might come in handy. You could look back reflecting on both the good and bad days so as to wonder what facets of yourself are doing the journaling on certain occasions. When I think about the depressing lockdowns in Melbourne over the past couple of years, I figured out what aspects of myself were somewhat depressed. The adventurer in me was depressed, some days crying like a small child. On other days, where I felt inspired, the eternal optimist was in play, channeling ideas when it came to looking for the best in a bad situation. Perhaps a journal may make it more obvious as to who is in play or at the forefront during certain times. We're definitely multi faceted.

    If parts of you are now beginning to come to life, hold onto your hat :)

    2 people found this helpful
  23. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    3 January 2022 in reply to therising
    Hi therising

    Thanks for your kinds words, if some of my inconsistent ramblings have help you in some way I’m glad haha!
    I recently read a book I was given as a gift “The Happiest Man on Earth” by Eddie Jaku that I recommend, sends very simplistic message but one I will try to live by throughout the year. Basically that your happiness is in your hands. Thought I’d mention it if you hadn’t heard of it as I remember you mentioned you had self help books.

    I think what you suggest about journaling good days as well is a good idea, I didn’t really think of it earlier because my thought was to try something to help “vent” the bad days. But I suppose I can compare the two which might help me to better understand myself and what I’m thinking and feeling and which thoughts/feelings deserve attention and which don’t.

    I had/have very similar experiences in lockdowns and looking back at it all. Days where I’d feel motivated and days where I’d just feel really flat and defeated.

    An that still plagues me to this day I’d like your advice on how you would see it. I mentioned I think previously this girl I hit it off with and dated and how the situation just abruptly ended where I got “friend-zoned”. It felt like a gut punch because I didn’t see it coming as the time it happened things seemed to be going well, I wasn’t getting ahead of myself but I just didn’t understand it I guess.
    It’s plagued my mind since then because we were very similar, got along really well and I know I didn’t come across as a “friend”. I often think back to it like what could I have done different or what did I do as I haven’t connected with anyone like that before.

    The whole situation left me baffled and it doesn’t help that she basically lives next door so we run into each other quite a bit which is a reminder and when we have it’s never been awkward if anything it leaves me more confused as to what happened because the interactions are quite good and even when she seems to be dating others she has reached out but I’m aware I can’t do anything.

    I guess what I was seeking advice on, sorry for the rambling on, is that I’ve struggled to let the situation go in my head. I have periods where I’m fine and it is what it is but then other times where I sort of hope one day things might turn my way but I feel this is destructive as well. I guess it must be the loneliness factor causing it a bit.
  24. therising
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    4 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    With you having mentioned 'The happiest man on earth', I read a snippet on line and have decided to purchase it. I cannot help but wonder about Eddie Jaku's philosophies on life, given how traumatic and grief riddled his life must have been at some point, given how angry and resentful he must have been before his mind altering revelations came to him, regarding happiness. I have faith this book will change my life. Thank you for the recommendation.

    I may have mentioned before how disappointed I am with the Australian government and how they mismanaged the overall health of their people during lockdowns. My resentment toward the media grew during that time also. The government and the media had the chance to co-operate, to explain to us the mental, physical and even spiritual consequences of so many lockdowns. We could have received an education on how to manage but we didn't get it. It was disappointing not to have guidance regarding the consequences of such a change to our life, impacting our thinking, leading to us to overthinking. The consequences of overthinking were never addressed. The consequences of losing the usual energy based resources (social interaction, vacations and recreation) were not discussed. With few opportunities with which to vacate stress and/or recreate our self in constructive energetic ways, we were left to wonder what was wrong with us, why we were feeling so stressed or so lacking in energy. We were never warned how it could impact us on a soulful level. For some, lockdowns were definitely soul destroying.

    Lockdowns were a time of personal reflection, a time of trying to work our self out, a time of wondering 'What's wrong with me? How can I make things right?', an opportunity to come to know our human nature and our soulful nature through such challenges. The government did little more than throw money at mental health bodies that were already under enormous pressure. The approach was reactive, not proactive.

    I've come to realise there are days where it's hard to stop overthinking, a habit developed during lockdowns. Reminds me of a quote from Eckhart Tolle

    “Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering.”

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Daniel12
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    4 January 2022 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    I’m glad you purchased the book! It’s a great read and it has definitely had an impact on me. Also he has a TedTalk on YouTube from when he spoke in Sydney that’s worth a listen as well! His message is simple but given his experiences it is profound!

    I have had the exact same thinking through this pandemic. I can completely relate to that pattern of overthinking as this is what developed throughout my time in lockdown and it has exacerbated to a point where it’s really hard to stop it.

    Looking back in hindsight I think that unfortunately my want to find a partner coincided with the start of the pandemic so I tried to use the resources available to me to do this such as online dating etc and the process has been really hard on me I think. Exhausting mentally and my hope just got beaten down after false start after false start. The example that I mentioned before that still bothers I think I placed a lot of emphasis on it because it felt different and this ended up contributing to a beaten down mindset as I have carried regret for not making it happen ever since.

    I’d like to think with experience I have got better at handling the disappoint of each of these false starts as they continue to come up but it seems now I am entering these situations with very little hope that anything will happen. For example my friend wants me to meet a friend of his girlfriend I may get along with but my immediate mindset is by the time this happens she may be taken or she won’t even like me. I attribute this mindset a lot to the constant narrative that replayed in my head throughout lockdowns.

    I am trying to navigate a way to get through this and break this habit with some of the things I’ve mentioned I guess it’s just an issue that continues to get the better of me. Also part of me is scared to show my full self to a potential partner because that would it would involve showing this more vulnerable side and some of the things I struggle with and I fear that may turn someone off as it may look weak.

  26. Hanna3
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    3589 posts
    4 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel (and hi The Rising!)

    I hesitate to come by again and I haven't read through everything, & I think it's great you have a good rapport with The Rising but I have a few thoughts.

    If you will excuse me, you still seem to be stuck in the same loop of chronic overthinking. I bet it's mostly negative, right? I truly think you might benefit from talking face to face with a counsellor -, it's great BB is helping you, but nothing beats chatting with someone in real life. I know The Rising is doing a great job of being a real support as well.

    I understand how tough it is when everyone around you seems to be pairing off and you're feeling out of it and lonely, but desperation comes across and it can also lead to poor decisions on your part.

    Dating apps are lousy for your self esteem as people make snap decisions often based on superficial things.

    Daniel have you thought of travelling either overseas (I know covid has made this difficult) or even around Australia? What about becoming more comfortable with yourself before focusing on finding a partner?

    Daniel what are your aims for life? You're obviously intelligent and have a good career. If you want a family, what attributes are you looking for in a partner? A relationship will bring its own challenges and stresses.

    Do you want a good sense of humour, kindness, intelligence, is it important she be a practising Christian? Maybe you could think about what attributes you would consider essential or very important in a future relationship. What things are essential and what would you be prepared to compromise on?

    Can you meet this girl you mention without thinking of her as a possible potential partner and someone who may reject you but instead just aim to meet up pleasantly and take the pressure off both her and you?

    How can you find ways to be more comfortable with your own company, given that meeting the "right" person is almost always difficult and may take some time yet?

    What about some books on overthinking? I'd also suggest 12 Rules for Life and you can Google its main ideas.

    I truly hope that you can become less absorbed by your own perceived problems as I think you're incredibly self critical. I'd truly like to see you become more content with yourself before you focus on a life partner.

    Anyway this is my two cents worth! Cheers.

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
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    4 January 2022 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    Firstly, do not hesitate to add in your two cents whenever you feel I greatly appreciate it! Therising and many others including yourself who have contributed to this thread have been a great help to me.

    You are correct that the thought loops are predominantly negative and I would agree with your assessment that I am self critical. I sincerely hope this does not make me seem self absorbed in any way as that is not who I am, that is one thing I know for certain. A lot of the issue which I may have explained previously is that I am somewhat aware that certain thoughts are irrational and too harsh on myself but I get extremely frustrated at myself that I can't seem to stop them or I can but only for short periods.

    I have seen 2 psychologists, the first wasn't that great to be honest. The second I am still seeing now and have been for 6 months or so, she has been a great help to me and I will continue to see her when she is available. This thread has been great help to me also but I also wary of being a burden by continuing to post on here so I hope that is not the case. I don't know I have just found some solace in speaking with people, particularly therising, on here as I am learning a great deal.

    Dating apps have been soul-destroying and I have made an effort to back off them since lockdowns ended as was recommended by my doctor.

    My aims in life is probably a good question, they are quite simple to be honest. I'd just like a stable career, build myself a family and enjoy my life with someone I have a true connection with. Maybe it's too simplistic? I guess part of me doesn't know much more beyond that and that's sort of what I've been brought up to want through my culture etc, may be part of the problem I am not sure. Generally in a partner I guess you could say I just want someone honest, loyal, has a sense of humour, and ultimately someone who makes me the best version of myself and vice versa.

    The potential meeting with this girl I mentioned is a situation where it's been put to me as a case of meet her and see what I think. I naturally put pressure on myself about it already which I need to relax I think and give myself a chance to just meet the person with no expectations on myself or them.

    I agree with you that I probably need to find ways to be comfortable in my own company again as I believe I've just completely lost this over the last two years.

    Thanks again for your help and advice and the book recommendation I will add this to my list.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. therising
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    5 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    Something pops into my head that I'll share: 'How do I practice not thinking?'. To tell you the truth, I don't regularly practice not thinking. In fact, I think way too much at times. It's become a terrible habit in some cases. I used to practice it a little more. For example, I would be sitting on the couch and what would occasionally naturally pop into my head from out of the blue, 'Get up and get a glass of water'. Normally, if I was to think, I would begin thinking 'No, I can't be bothered. I'll do it later'. Of course, I wouldn't do it later. I'd continue to think my way out of getting that glass of water. So, I began to not think. When 'Get up and get a glass of water' came to mind, I would get up without thinking and get that water. I'd achieve drinking it, without a single thought in my mind. It was a simple exercise but surprising at the same time, how easily I could do something without thinking. I hope all that makes sense.

    For me to get out of the habit of thinking, I have to practice and practice and practice not thinking, not mentally process absolutely everything. I believe balance, in this case, is important otherwise we become a completely thoughtless person, which doesn't really serve anyone.

    When I meet people, what naturally comes to mind is something along the lines is 'Gradually introduce yourself to them'. So, on initial introduction I'll reveal a certain level of who I am. On the next occasion I might start to get more of a feel for what else I can reveal to them, possibly taking it up a level. There are some parts of who I am that I'll never reveal to certain people. As mentioned, I'm somewhat of a woo woo gal, so I'm not going to introduce that part of myself to people who are going to slam it to the degree of complete degradation. There's no point, unless I'm up for some depressing or angering confrontation from them. To others, who can relate to some degree, I'll introduce them to that part of myself. I think it's something we naturally get a feel for, what others can handle about us and what they can't and the rate at which they're able to manage getting to know us. I think we have to be able to say to our self 'There's no rush', when it comes to revealing who we naturally are. Sometimes it's even worth saying to our self 'If that person can't manage coming to know me that's not necessarily my fault, based on what they bring to the party'. Some will bring their own preconceived ideas, which may be wrong.

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Daniel12
    Daniel12 avatar
    215 posts
    5 January 2022 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    That definitely makes sense and as you say it would take practice but I feel I am quite similar to you in the sense that where you described thinking yourself out of doing something, this is what I do a lot. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have been in a situation where for example a bar I think "I should approach this persona and say hello" and I have thought myself out of doing it and become overcome with anxiousness.

    I agree with you that a balance is necessary, as I would say for example from what you have mentioned about yourself that you are a tremendously thoughtful person and I believe this to be a massive strength and good quality as from talking with you I can tell you have a better grip on deciphering your thoughts. I think it is natural to let thoughts spill over I think it is unavoidable at times but the challenge is not letting the negative ones compound on top of each other which is what I feel I do quite a bit.

    I often approach meeting new people the same way as you have described, generally I would be polite and for tof feel my way into the interaction. I have tried lately to tell myself if someone that I meet was to have issue with me this is not necessarily on me as I would like to think I am fairly easy going, quiet natured and polite therefore I should at least sustain a rapport with most people but I realise I will not be liked by all which has been an issue also as growing up lacking that sense of belonging at school made me want to just be friends with people as that is what I felt I lacked.

    I feel there is a lot of pressure also today for people around my age to have it figured out because of the resources at our disposal, over the new year/festive period I had a think about what exactly it is that I want at the moment. Whilst my core "wants" won't change like wanting a true connection with a partner and a happy family life. Work I would like to establish my own business and work for myself in my field one day and to be honest whilst I very much enjoy what I do and have a passion and interest in it, I have never been overly career oriented. My mantra in this aspect of life is "work to live" not "live to work" so I see it as a means of helping me enjoy my life with those around me I have a connection with. I have sort of thought about this a bit and maybe it's too simple, should I have bigger and bolder ambitions with life and should I have these down pat by now at 25?

  30. therising
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    therising avatar
    2710 posts
    6 January 2022 in reply to Daniel12

    Hi Daniel

    I don't think we necessarily have to have everything worked out by a certain age. I believe you can gradually get a feel for what you want or need at any given stage/age of your life. For example, while I had people saying to me after I left school 'You should go onto study something', my idea more so involved not finding a career but working to simply 'fund my life' through jobs I enjoyed. It wasn't until my late 20s that I applied to TAFE to study a course in disability services. So, I did return to education when I felt the need. While most around me were starting a family, I waited 'til I was 31 to have my 1st child because I never felt the need before this. So, you never know, you might end up starting your own business down the track. Perhaps you just don't feel the need intensely right now, it's not that strong in the present moment. Some folk are fully driven by feeling a deep need. If the need's not there, the drive's not there. When you hear about someone who goes skydiving for the 1st time at 90, this might be based on the fact that their need for adventure hasn't kicked in 'til now. Their mantra is 'Better late than never', rather than 'I'm too old to do that'. Such a person will ignore all those around them that say 'You're too old for that', then they'll go up in a plane and land safely back on earth. Their proclamation, 'That was one of the greatest things I've ever done/felt in my life'. Imagine missing out on one of the greatest things in your life because people talked you out of it.

    I thought of you yesterday morning when I heard someone touch on the topic of 'Metacognition'. It sounds like an absolutely fascinating topic. While it's simply defined as 'The understanding of one's own thought processes', it's more complex when you consider thoughts can be made up of words and images, what we hear and see in our mind. Even more complex - How does what we hear and see in our mind lead us to feel and how does this lead us to navigate life. I've never heard of metacognition before. It's seriously triggered my sense of wonder.

    I believe feeling a sense of acceptance is something that's built into us, a part of our nature. Whether it's a part of our animal nature or it dates back to our tribal nature, we're often looking to find the tribe we vibe with. There are some truly shi**y tribes out there, especially within schools.

    Btw, I bought the book, 'The happiest man on earth'. I look forward to reading it on my next day off.

    1 person found this helpful

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