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Forums / Depression / Lonely and empty

Topic: Lonely and empty

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lonely Cookie
    Lonely Cookie avatar
    3 posts
    9 October 2020

    Hi

    Even though I am married with kids I feel so empty and lonely. I have never been great at making friends or keeping them, as a child/teenager I was always to scared to bring friends home because you never knew when my dad was in a good or bad mood and he is the type of person that thought everyone should think and believe in what he did and looked down on those who didn’t. So it was easier just not to have friends.
    I am now in my late 30’s but I have spent the whole time until I was about 23 when I moved out of home, not having friends or at least A very few for a short time but no real close friends . Since being married and having Kids I am finding even harder to make or spend time with anyone in order to have any friends, so I pretty much gave up trying to keep any friendship. I had and the couple of people who I thought were my friends never made contact with me after I mentally decided not to try any more.
    My husband doesn’t drive as he has poor eyesight so I have to drive him to and from work and because he works weekends only, I feel I can’t do anything because if I do I’ll have to stop part way through to pick him up from work. He works weekends and I work during the week, so we never see each other, other then a couple of hours at night but then I’m dealing with kids, so no quality time together, which makes me feel even more lonely and empty. I am also finding I’m holding a lot of resentment towards my husband because of this but also because he doesn’t work during the week he spends time every week with his friends Playing games even if he has the kids he just lets them run wild and destroy everything while he plays his games.
    Because I’ve never had a close friends or family members I’ve never been able to talk to people about how I feel, this includes my husband and I feel Because if my insecurities with relationships I feel I’m holding my kids back as well and doing them more harm then good, which makes
    me wonder if they would be better off with out me.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    9 October 2020 in reply to Lonely Cookie
    Hey Lonely Cookie, thanks for reaching out on the forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low due to what's happening in your family at the moment. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you.  We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include: Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.
  3. Dove20
    Dove20 avatar
    27 posts
    9 October 2020 in reply to Lonely Cookie

    Hi Lonely Cookie,

    I am similar to you as well. I find it so difficult to make friends. It's even more difficult for me to keep them as well. I've got only a good handful of friends but even then I feel lonely. Everyone has their own lives and it's difficult to link our schedules up to catch up and socialise.

    My father was the same. We would not know if he would be in a bad or good mood so we (me and my siblings) never brought anyone home just in case my dad would scare them away. I was fearful my friends would no longer be friends with me. I think what mood he would be in depended on whether he had a good or bad day at work. When I was younger I despised him for it. I gave him a bad attitude and didn't bother to have a relationship with him. Now that I am older, I understand why he was in those moods and have deep regrets over the way I (and my siblings) treated him. It was hard for him: immigrating to Australia, not speaking the language, picking up only hard laborious jobs by companies that exploited him as he was not literate and did not know his rights. All whilst raising a family of 5.

    At my age, I still find it hard now to make friends. It is even worse because I'm an introvert and I developed anxiety as an adult. So I have always avoided heading into social situations where there would be a lot of people as I wouldn't know when I would be triggered. It has happened too often where I would be out and feel so incredibly sick, dizzy and nauseous to the point where I've had to go home early.

    I'm glad that you're reaching out on this forum to talk to people like us. After participating in this forum for a while, I can tell you that the people you talk to will soon become your companion and friend, including me. :-)

    People always tell others to go to social events to make friends and meaningful connections but it doesn't seem that easy. Even with people at work, I struggle to be friends. I assume that would be you too? People always say friendship takes a lot of time and sacrifice. It is hard. However, I don't think you should stop trying.

    Your husband only works on weekends? That's a bit odd. I feel your resentment. I too would hate it if my husband did not match my efforts to keep our family afloat and stayed home playing video games without taking care of the kids/house. Truly, I think you should have an honest conversation with your husband about this. That is the only way to resolve any conflict.

    Dove


  4. Lonely Cookie
    Lonely Cookie avatar
    3 posts
    10 October 2020 in reply to Dove20

    Hi Dove,

    thanks for replying. Like you my dad’s mood depended on work, he had his own business and I know having your own business can be stressful, I have had my own business for a while too. Because my dad/ parents had their own business everything revolves around work they would work and talk work from the morning to night. Also being a girl and then having a building business I was never included, while my dad taught my brother all about tools etc at a young age and no it wasn’t a lack of me asking because I always did he just refused because I was a girl. My dad is also an only child and falls into the stereotype of a single child his Mum gave him everything.

    To explain my husband works in retail so hence the working only on weekends, actually he works Saturday Sunday and Monday all day 8-10 hr shifts. I work 2 part time jobs( approx 35 hrs a week) and I also take in clothing alterations to do for others in saying that I pretty much work by myself 80% of time, so limited opportunities to build relationships with work colleagues.
    A long time ago I tried addressing my issues with my parents because a lot of my insecurities were caused by him but my father just told me I was being stupid and need to grow up. I end up on anti-depressant meds, I decided after a couple of years on them I didn’t want to take meds anymore so I worked extremely hard to get off them but lately I wonder if I should go back on them. I have tried to talk to my husband before things changed a little bit (he got rid of his nights shifts which were even more horrible) I understand my husband is an xtravert and needs an out let but his friends both have their own home but they always come here to play card/board games and they never want to go home Because of this I stay at work longer on those days (unpaid) just so I don’t have to deal with them it’s the last thing I want to do after using all my emotional energy at work. I guess I feel like like being selfish if I ask him to give up something or to change something I already know he won’t change his work hours and even if he tried it could take 12 months for his boss to change it on the roster it took nearly 12 months of asking his boss to get rid of his night shifts. My husband is oblivious to anything wrong in our marriage

  5. Lonely Cookie
    Lonely Cookie avatar
    3 posts
    10 October 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie

    A long time ago I tried addressing my relationship with my parents with help from a psychiatrist but my father just told me I was being stupid and I needed to grow up So needless to say nothing got resolved only worse, so I end up on anti depressants and shut myself off further. After 2 years on them I decided I wanted to stop taking them I worked hard to get off them. I have tried talking to my husband and things changed a little but then it went back to the back to the way it was if not worse.

  6. Dove20
    Dove20 avatar
    27 posts
    10 October 2020 in reply to Lonely Cookie

    Hi Lonely Cookie,

    Your explanation does explain why you don't see your husband often. I can assume it must be difficult to no have that quality time together when your schedules just don't work out.

    After your explanation, I also see how difficult it is to build relationships with work colleagues. I know most people would suggest finding another job tut honestly, as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety that could be too much change to handle at the moment. Especially if you don't have a supportive husband who would be willing to pick up some of your workloads to ease the stress and anxiety. I think this would be a really big step and maybe it will make you uneasy to do, but maybe invite one of your work colleagues out on a Saturday to have a home brunch? Even if you don't feel so close to that person, just ask. Make that step. The worst thing they can say is no. And if they do, ask another person.

    Addressing issues with parents can be difficult. Addressing issues with anyone who is not empathetic or understands the turmoils of life/mental illness can be tough as well. My parents escaped war in their country to immigrant to Australia. So my mental health problems are nothing to them. I'm so sorry your father told you to grow up. Everyone, at any age, can fall victim to mental health. Being on anti-depressants meds can take a huge toll on your body. Personally, I recommend not doing anything until you speak to your GP.

    Your husband sounds like he's not compromising in your relationship. A relationship is compromise. It sounds like he is just pushing you around to get what he wants. Can I assume he does not even do his own laundry?

    Your home is your haven. It should be a place where you can relax and have peace. It saddens me that you can't find peace in your home and have to stay at work longer doing unpaid work. Would it be best to suggest the days where you can have the house to yourself without any guests? For example, Monday - Wednesday you have the house to yourself (and your family of course) and Thursday - Sunday he can have guests over? Your husband may not like this but I think you must stand up for yourself and establish these boundaries. There is only so much one can take.

    I think you should look after yourself. Make these boundaries and don't take no for an answer. You should not feel like you have to live this way.

    Dove.

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