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Forums / Depression / Lonely without friends. Cannot trust others.

Topic: Lonely without friends. Cannot trust others.

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    9 April 2022

    This is my second time to post a thread.

    I don’t show it in front of others but I have been feeling very lonely especially since I moved to Australia about 10 years ago. I tried to make ones by joining some local events etc but I was not able to get close with them.

    One reason I think is I cannot trust others. I feel that they are all trying to deceive me or put me down, which some people really did in the past.

    Life without friends is really sad and depressing but Its hard for me to trust others and open my hearts. How can I change this situation?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Allay
    Allay avatar
    72 posts
    10 April 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Hi Pink Grapefruit 👋

    I’m sorry you’re feeling very lonely and find it hard to make friends. (Me too, at times).

    Were the local events you joined things you enjoy? I find it helpful to keep my focus on the interest or activity rather than on my hope to start friendships. (Though the need for friends and a sense of belonging are vitally important). That way we can get to know people bit by bit over time. And they can get to know us in the same way. My closest friendship of over 20 years developed very, very slowly.

    I am not a particularly trusting person either. But try to take the approach of sharing small things about myself (over time) that I won’t be distressed about the person telling others. And keeping in mind that even if they do, it may not have been their intention to be hurtful. (Though you’ve said some people have tried to deceive you and put you down in the past. I’m sorry you’ve had those experiences Pink Grapefruit).

    Another thing I think is that some friendships are only meant to be for a period of time in our lives. When we are in school, when we are in a job, when we live nearby each other, the mums of our kids’ classmates. These friendships can peter out as people get busy, move towns, shift their focus in life. None of this is personal. (But it can still feel hurtful).

    I am not a ‘social butterfly’, so don’t have any failsafe suggestions. But I saw that no one had responded to your post yet. And I wanted you to feel seen and heard. I wish you all the best.

    Warm regards

    Allay.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophia16
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Sophia16 avatar
    290 posts
    10 April 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Hi,

    Thank you for being open here. I can hear how isolated you feel right now.

    It takes time and experience to trust others. If you don't try and get out of your comfort zone then how will you know?

    Just remember, the past is the past. You are a new person and i am sure that most people would love to be your friend.

    It takes time to find the right ones but i am sure you will be able to. Don't rush anything.

    Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Spl spl
    Spl spl avatar
    73 posts
    10 April 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Hi pinkgrapefruit,

    Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, thanks for reaching out on the forums.

    Its good to hear that you are willing to change the situation, just perhaps you don't know where to start? I can relate to that. Your post jumped out at me, because I have had some trust issues in the past as well. In my opinion, it is something that can definitely become better and be worked on.

    It is 100% understandable that you are having issues, moving and friendship troubles in the past are things that impact trust quite a bit. You are very resilient for going through that disruption to your social support and still be willing to try and reach out. Kudos to you.

    For making friends, at least at the very start, you need to spend consistent time together with someone. So, for example, meeting them once a week for a few hours. If this doesn't happen in some shape or form, I've found (personally) that the friendship gets hard to keep up. Chatting online can be time spent together as well.

    You say you have been to events, and that's an awesome way to go out and meet people. I'm just wondering if you may have had trouble because the events weren't consistent & often enough, or with the same group of people? (I have no idea, I am just throwing ideas at you just in case)

    When it comes to trust, it can take time to break that barrier. What worked for me (again, just personally) was making a friendship with someone first, and then getting closer emotionally. Surface-level friendships can definitely be made without spilling your heart open. Especially if you have some kind of common interest. Once I knew that person was a genuinely good person, and was opening up to me, I could do the same as well. It may feel uncomfortable at first, still, the right kind of person is patient and won't rush you too much. Please be patient with yourself and take as much time as you need.

    Opening your heart up to friends is like any new activity or habit. At first its a bit awkward and uncomfortable, you may not know what to say. Over time, you may become more comfortable with the other person and trust forms. As time goes on, you may begin to seek that person to talk to, because you trust them.

    Trust is this big long journey sometimes, and its okay to be at the start of it. It doesn't mean you won't reach the end. I hope telling my story helps you. You can get there, 100%!

    Last, researching Attachment Theory might help you.. the test gives some interesting information.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    16 April 2022 in reply to Allay

    Hi Allay,

    Thank you for your reply. I think I have been more focusing on doing something to build relationships and have not done something that interests me. I will try to find something that I am interested in and maybe I can make friends there. I hope it works one day in the near future as I don’t want to feel lonely for the rest of my life..

  6. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    16 April 2022 in reply to Sophia16

    Hi Sophia16,

    Thank you for your reply. I should try but I am scared that they can be bad people and deceive me. If the consequences are big, not sure if I can get over them. I guess I am afraid of those possible consequences..

  7. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    16 April 2022 in reply to Spl spl

    Hi Spl Spl,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. Also, I feel relieved that I am not the only one who has this feeling. When I was small, making friends was not a difficult thing to do. I guess I was hoping that way when I get older, which is not really the case. The local events I have joined so far was all short terms. I will try to find something that keep me around people regularly and for a long time so that one day I may be able to build good relationships and make friends there.

  8. thetamind
    thetamind avatar
    3 posts
    18 April 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Hi Pink grapefruits,

    I know exactly how you feel. I’m currently in that situation right now. I have been feeling very lonely and without friends its so empty. My long weekend and easter holiday was spent just lying on the couch with occasional binging but mostly fighting with my own thoughts. Few months ago, my best friend ( at least for me) , decided my friendship was too much for her to bear( emotionally) and have stopped interacting and communicating with me. She was my go to person and safe heaven but the emotional burden and baggage of my depressive behaviour ended that friendship. And sad part I miss her dearly and love her a lot. I could make other friends but I’m really slow to trust new people; as this isn’t first time i was hurt. So yeah its really difficult to navigate this loneliness. But if one person can do this is you. Most of my loneliness originated from boredom, continuous movements of thoughts , depression and desire to feel good. Friendship helps but not all people have capacity to understand what we are going through and as soon as they realise you don’t bring any happiness to them; most people; will find way to maintain distance.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    23 April 2022 in reply to thetamind

    Hi Thetamind,

    Thank you for your reply. Yes I totally feel in the same way. It is hard to find someone who will be there for you regardless. If there are any risks there, I cannot even start getting close. Very lonely. Maybe I should not expect much from the beginning so that I may feel lucky if I have one..

  10. Amelia02
    Amelia02 avatar
    50 posts
    23 April 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Hi Pink grapefruit,
    I think a lot of people feel this way - even some of those who’ve been in Australia their whole lives. And being in a “new” country to your old country can add to the feeling of alienation. Australia is not always the friendliest of countries I don’t think and depending on where you’re coming from some groups get a warmer welcome than others in my and some other’s experience. So it might not all be in your head. However if you have the ongoing suspiciousness maybe you could talk to a psychologist - the worst is you’re met some you find ineffective and stop seeing.

    if you live in a city like Sydney or Melbourne you could seek out people from your background/ community who you can relate to better which can help.

    Other than that, consistently participating in something that brings you into contact with others can bring friends through familiarity.

    I hope things improve for you soon, have a nice weekend, A

    1 person found this helpful
  11. NonStampCollectorFan
    NonStampCollectorFan avatar
    10 posts
    23 April 2022
    I second that emotion. - Differentiating a friend from a friendly-person is a mystery to me. I guess having 3 good interests/passions to talk about will help with the filtering off that. Topped with the skills of listening, Topic delivery, subtle flattery and controlled compassion. There's also the issue of "foot-in-mouth" insensitivity where the trajectory of the discussion goes into boring, awkward or offensive. Some thoughts on why shyness can become socially crippling may have a origin in computer games where all the computer opponents want to hurt you and the human players want to humiliate you. Television does not help either showing either fairy-tale friendships, frightening rivalry and obsession with your purchase.
    2 people found this helpful
  12. Nikki62
    Nikki62 avatar
    1 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit
    I know how you feel Igo to sleep to try to relieve my depression but just wake up feeling worse I have 5beautiful children and I feel there’s a wall up between them &me I cannot relax& laugh or have a spontaneous conversation with them I find myself pacing &smiking because I don’t know what to do with myself
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    22 May 2022

    Hi

    I started having some moments again that people here are trying to deceive or destroy me. What happened in the past with someone that I thought I could trust are affecting me a lot. I am very scared. Making true friends might not happen forever..

    How this is just one of the bad days..

  14. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11077 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Dear Pink grapefruit~

    It can be perfectly natural to have distrust of others, over friendship or other thngs. I guess normally htey may be a reason for it.

    In my case I was a policeman, not an occupation that breeds trust, and when I was invalided out many so-called friends I had in the Force vanished.

    I read that you and your husband have had a very difficult time wiht your building project, may I ask if this is the reason for at least part of your distrust or are there other things?

    I've found that there are good, solid and trustworthy people, my partner very much being one. Do you mind if I ask if you consider your husband one too?

    Croix

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Pink grapefruit
    Pink grapefruit  avatar
    13 posts
    12 June 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you for your massage.

    Yes, the project is one of the reasons. All these experiences have made me very difficult to open my mind and make friends.

    My husband is an amazing person but I don’t want to give him barrens and act like I am ok..

    I have received great advice from you and others here in the past but my emotions are still up and down..

  16. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11077 posts
    14 June 2022 in reply to Pink grapefruit

    Dear Pink grapefruit~

    You have one person you trust - or at least have never said otherwise -you husband. You are both going though a hard time with the building project and I guess there is a very strong desire to not make things worse for one's partner. It's natural.

    In my own case when my partner is having to face difficulties I want to help, and feel sometimes a little regretful if I'm not taken into their confidence - I don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool.

    Because we have known each other for so long it's east to tell when they are troubled. So I have to worm it out of them, then we can face it together (even if I only make silly jokes it seems to help)

    Wearing a mask all the itme is not only exhausting, being constantly on guard, but difficult, leading to half truths (for the best of intentions). When I've done it long term it made me feel less happy with myself, as if I had to hide part of me - what does that say about that part?

    Do you think you might be able to lean on you husband more?

    Croix

    .

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