dear MissEz, I am so sorry that you have PND, as my wife ( ex ) had it for several years and it affects both the mother and the father, but more for the mother, as you struggle to wonder why.
The more I get involved with so many people trying to understand depression and not being able to cope with this horrible illness, certainly makes it's prevalence so high.
You may want to correct me on some points, so please do so, without any hesitation.
In layman's terms I don't know why new mum's develop PND, but the fact that you feel guilty for your new born obviously haunts you, but please remember that all of this is no fault of yours.
Surfing the net for an answer on depression is so wide, because there are so many different points of view from so many different people, there's nothing wrong with this as eventually you can relate to a particular reason.
The question is how many of these professionals have actually suffered from depression themselves.
A book can explain and teach you about depression, but it's not the same as going through it themselves, and this is an enormous difference.
I can learn how to cook a roast from a cooking book, but what happens if it comes out burnt, so from then on I have learnt by experience.
I can't condone you from drinking alcohol because I also used it as a 'happy pill', just to numb my depression, and you will know yourself when to ease up, because no one can yell and scream at you to stop, because you won't.
I gather that your husband disagrees with the drinking, and if this is the case it's useless calling you names and yelling at you, because this will only make the situation worse, and it won't stop you, you just dig your heels in, like I did.
Marriages become affected for many reasons, and it's not fair that you or anybody else with depression takes the blame, and this happened to me, but now we still talk and see each other.
The fact is that they don't understand why we are drinking, and they can't relate it back to our depression, what do they think we are alcoholics, we aren't, just suffering so badly from this illness.
This whole pain that you are going through is only what you know about, but those of us who have gone through depression can relate it back to how we felt, so we can feel the pain. L Geoff. x