So I'm writing this to give myself something to do. I know I should change what I'm doing - get out of the house, go to the gym, do something! But if I wasn't writing this email I would be sitting on the couch thinking. This has become a dangerous past time of mine. Now that I am unable to even think about doing any of my uni work I have time on my hands. This time that I have is very unproductive. I can't think about all the things I should be doing and how I just can't do them. This is excellent fuel for my depression. It gives me all this evidence as to why I am so useless and bad at life and lazy and not worth the air I breathe. Because, at the end of the day, I don't want to be here. It's not like there is a place that I do want to be either. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to exist.
So why haven't I killed myself? It's something I have put off a few times. The first time that I realised that I didn't particularly want to be here was a very strange experience. I didn't consider myself suicidal. I didn't really consider myself to be anything. I just wished I wasn't me and I considered ways to end it - but I never did. I guess things never got that bad. That was when I was 19. Last time I was depressed I decided to make a change and go back to uni. I told myself that if I still wasn't happy after that then I could go for it and finally end it. In between these times I have been depressed on and off. It has been going on for 10 years. Now it's back. Again. And it's worse.
Then something really annoying happened. Someone in my extended family committed suicide. This was also very sad, don't get me wrong, but the strongest emotion I have felt about this was annoyance. Why? Because now I know first hand what it's like to watch family and friends after a loved one has committed suicide. It is the hardest thing to understand for them. If it was cancer or an accident or something else a person's brain can justify and understand. But when it's suicide it's like this person has basically decided that their friends and family aren't worth sticking around for. Or at least that is what it feels like to be friends and family. I know this is not the case. If I was to kill myself it would be for a plethora of other reasons but I have stuck around so long because of my friends and family. Certainly not because I enjoy life. Now, the annoying thing for me is that suicide isn't even an option any more. Not after seeing how horrific it is to those left behind. So this escape plan that was there if things got really really bad has been removed. And I have to find a way to keep on going.
I started throwing myself into things that I enjoyed. Exercise, spending money, chocolate. I soon noticed that I wasn't really enjoying these things I was just taking a time out in between feeling miserable. I found myself craving to be around people so I wouldn't feel so alone. But more and more it seems that whenever I'm around people I am just disappointed that I am unable to connect or even interact like a normal human. And I feel like they should be able to see how messed up I am. That they should ask me if I'm OK. But they don't. I feel like I have to fake it because surely I am already dead inside. I feel like I'm probably pretty great at faking it, too.
I have realised that I can't keep going like this and I am ill equipped to even help myself any more. And I'm not even able to consider suicide anymore. Geez! Something has to change - so I asked for help.
Open the friggin floodgates. It turns out I had been doing a splendid job of ignoring exactly how bad I had been feeling. Now that I'm in the process of getting help I have been unable to ignore these feelings anymore. All of the things I have been trying so desperately not to feel are roaring around my head. It's funny how it hits me. Every so often I am overcome by a wave of sadness and hopelessness. It is horrible and distracting. It makes it impossible to complete even the simplest of tasks. This wave is accompanied always by the thought that I wish I wasn't here.
But here I am. And I sure hope this is rock bottom.
PS. I have seen the GP, been prescribed anti-depressants and I see a psychologist in three days. I don't need people to tell me to live and blah blah blah. I'm putting this up here because if others who feel just the same as I do read this they will know they are not alone and maybe gain the courage to find help too.