I have suffered depression (and anxiety) on and off but mostly on since my brother took his life in October 2006. It has been a struggle to have a real-time connection with myself ever since. Sometimes I know who I am and even dare I say "I like who I am" and then there are times I think "I don't like who I am" or "I have no real friends" or when I'm out of work, it must be because "I am not good enough"
There are days where I feel great; for example when I start a new job and things are going well, or when I have had a lovely day with my girlfriend. Then there are days when I feel worthless. This happens whenever I am without work as I currently am and have been for around a month.
I can't help feel like sometimes my life is an opportunity for me to watch everybody enjoy their life and move forward whilst I struggle to make sense of my life and how I'm going to get where I want to go. I don't want to come across as someone who is generally ungrateful for what I have, because I am not. I appreciate everything that is great about my life, I really do. I just think when one's mind decides to attack itself in a moment of "opportunity" that it can be very hard not to listen a little to the hurtful things it says, given the chance.
I always think (and sometimes say) LG "life's good" as I have a lot of evidence to suggest this. My girlfriend has been very understanding and supportive of me and my "trying times" as she knows all that I have been through and is extremely supportive in all that she does for me. I am currently studying through correspondence, which has given me new hopes and i'm really enjoying it.
When I lost my brother, I lost both my parents as well. Ever since they have not been the same (I don't expect them to either) but it has been really hard because the people who I used to feel I could talk to about something(s) bothering me, now I don't dare trouble with because I can't rely on them for any psychological support. My mother has a notorious ability to bring things back to her life or to be indifferent in her advice or "airy fairy" about things. Yes this is because they both suffer depression as well. They are seeing psychologists and I should too.
I have found 1 but it is a strictly 9-5 practice which is a pain because I can only see him when i'm not working which is hardly Ideal. Its a shame too because he is the only one so far that I feel I have made a real connection/understanding with. This is really hard to come by. I know, it's a no-brainer, I need to find someone who is open after hrs for the working population so that when I get work I will be able to continue seeing them. I guess I don't want to see him because I'm just going to have to change and start again when I find work. Frustrating.
It is always nice to go for a walk when I feel low or burnt-out or have anxiety about something on my mind. Exercise is the best alleviater of symptoms for me but I wish they would stay gone...
Depression is a nasty thing that poisons your mind when you have an outbreak and makes you sick. It sounds like an illness that be default, should come with a medicated treatment of some type but this isn't the way I want to tackle it. My brother was taking an antidepressant in the year and a half leading up to his death and I do believe there was a link. I will say it wasn't the deciding factor but it did, I feel, play a small part.
I'm not necessarily looking for advice, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my chest. Thanks for reading and feel free to reply if you like.