I have suffered depression (and anxiety) on and off but mostly on since my brother took his life in October 2006.  It has been a struggle to have a real-time connection with myself ever since. Sometimes I know who I am and even dare I say "I like who I am" and then there are times I think "I don't like who I am" or "I have no real friends" or when I'm out of work, it must be because "I am not good enough"

There are days where I feel great; for example when I start a new job and things are going well, or when I have had a lovely day with my girlfriend. Then there are days when I feel worthless. This happens whenever I am without work as I currently am and have been for around a month.

I can't help feel like sometimes my life is an opportunity for me to watch everybody enjoy their life and move forward whilst I struggle to make sense of my life and how I'm going to get where I want to go.  I don't want to come across as someone who is generally ungrateful for what I have, because I am not.  I appreciate everything that is great about my life, I really do.  I just think when one's mind decides to attack itself in a moment of "opportunity" that it can be very hard not to listen a little to the hurtful things it says, given the chance.

I always think (and sometimes say) LG "life's good" as I have a lot of evidence to suggest this. My girlfriend has been very understanding and supportive of me and my "trying times" as she knows all that I have been through and is extremely supportive in all that she does for me.  I am currently studying through correspondence, which has given me new hopes and i'm really enjoying it.

When I lost my brother, I lost both my parents as well. Ever since they have not been the same (I don't expect them to either) but it has been really hard because the people who I used to feel I could talk to about something(s) bothering me, now I don't dare trouble with because I can't rely on them for any psychological support. My mother has a notorious ability to bring things back to her life or to be indifferent in her advice or "airy fairy" about things.  Yes this is because they both suffer depression as well. They are seeing psychologists and I should too.

I have found 1 but it is a strictly 9-5 practice which is a pain because I can only see him when i'm not working which is hardly Ideal. Its a shame too because he is the only one so far that I feel I have made a real connection/understanding with. This is really hard to come by.  I know, it's a no-brainer, I need to find someone who is open after hrs for the working population so that when I get work I will be able to continue seeing them. I guess I don't want to see him because I'm just going to have to change and start again when I find work. Frustrating.

It is always nice to go for a walk when I feel low or burnt-out or have anxiety about something on my mind. Exercise is the best alleviater of symptoms for me but I wish they would stay gone...

Depression is a nasty thing that poisons your mind when you have an outbreak and makes you sick.  It sounds like an illness that be default, should come with a medicated treatment of some type but this isn't the way I want to tackle it. My brother was taking an antidepressant in the year and a half leading up to his death and I do believe there was a link. I will say it wasn't the deciding factor but it did, I feel, play a small part.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my chest.  Thanks for reading and feel free to reply if you like.             

dear Mark, well your story is a sad one, and I know that if something happened to my twin brother I would be devastated, and I know that the same would happen to him when I go.

There are two sides to my story, if and when it happens to him ( no no ) would it push me back into depression and cause me to have another breakdown, well I don't know, but the alternative scenario is when it happens to me, how is he going to feel, in that I have had all the problems that he hasn't ever had. Can't give you an answer to either of these.

To lose the support from your parents is also something that the both of you have had to cope with, and it has caused both of them into a state of depression, as all of you must have loved your brother so dearly, and I am so sorry but all I can do is offer my deepest sympathy to you and both your parents, it's something that will linger on within you all for a long long time.

When we lose someone we know, like a parent who was 93, and that's what age my Dad was, you learn to be able to cope with this over time, but when it's someone at a young age, our learning skills don't have any affect what so ever.

There are always the numerous questions we ask ourselves, if, or why, and that they should have come to me so we could have talked about it, so these will never be answered, and unfortunately will always hang around us.

Mark thanks for contacting us, and again how deeply sorry I am for you all. Geoff.

Dear Mark,

I just "lost" my brother with bad communication, family fighting and a very messy divorce between him and his step sister (!) but now things are back to normal.   That 4 months of not knowing what happened to him or where he was had me enduring sleepless nights (mainly as it all happened in the UK and they'd continually ring at 4am and say 'Oh, is there a time difference ?').     If I had found out my brother had died then that would have been devastating.  I'm not sure how a family copes with these things.  Ever.   We both had smelly socks as kids so we would refer to each other as Smelly No. 1 and Smelly No.2.  Brotherly love, hey ?

Not wishing to open up old wounds from 2006 but is the situation with your parents partly due to your brother (that passed) being the favourite ?   Or is it just pure shock sending reverberations down the years - could of been's, etc ?

You'll be a great responder - so much experience and a caring attitude.  Welcome to the Board and maybe an RDO will give you a once a month psychologist opportunity.   It's funny cos I changed to a psychologist purely on the basis that the practise is 2 streets away and I've only seen her 3 times this year !    She was really bossy with me one session that I'd rung through as being 5 mins late.   I get enough of that at home !  Keep asking around for a regular counselor if you can.

Adios, David.

Geoff and David,

I have been reading everybody's stories, posts and responses since I joined this site a couple of days ago, and also writing a few posts as well, and the amount of relief it has given me to be able to possibly put a smile on someone else's day has been very therapeutic for me.

In my depression I have always felt isolated, lonely and misunderstood. Since I have come onto this website, already my symptoms are starting to lessen a little and even seem a little silly? Wohoo finally! What a great website. Thank you to the geniuses who put such a great website together! (Bar the hiccups haha) I never got to see the old site.

After reading so many peoples stories and all of the great,encouraging and compassionate responses, the feelings of isolation and loneliness are already starting to fade away thanks to people such as yourselves :)

It is really nice to see that you both have related to my story and showed an understanding of my situation and it has been great to read your messages of support and also some of your own posts/replies. I don't know a lot about you both because I wouldn't know where to look for your early-days posts, but know that I will be in touch with both of you to see how you are traveling and have a good ole chinwag of course :)

It is great to see again that there are people out there who do really care. That must mean maybe there are others as well and maybe I have had it all wrong lately? I'm sad to admit that over the last year or so, I was starting to give up on peoples good nature, which would be just plainly incorrect... clearly :)

P.s Geoff I'm sorry to hear about your father. yes it is true in what you say about depending on the age, death can have varying difficulties associated with it. Because it was unexpected and a real shock, it hit with the momentum of a hurricane. It was like I was stuck in a nightmare that seemed surreal and make-believe, but every time I tried to wake up from it I couldn't. it was a devastating and earth shattering event and every time I hear of someone who takes their lives, my heart goes out to the people they leave behind. Often it becomes a life sentence given to the people who loved them.  Well my parent's and I's experience has felt like this anyway.   

P.p.s in response to you David, yes a little. They have always loved us both equally but maybe after he died, maybe he became immortalised in some way a little I guess??  Grief is a very powerful thing and unfortunately it can have impacts far more severe on a person than anyone could foresee. It can change a person for many years in duration and if you are unlucky, maybe irreversibly.  I really do feel that I've made a pretty good recovery (considering where I was at, when it happened) and that hopefully with a website like this, and with people such as yourselves, I will continue to mend and get on with my life and possible help others to do the same.  

Thanks Guys,

Mark   

David,

In writing such a large post I missed to touch on the first paragraph of your response. That must have been really hard for you.  There is nothing like a vast ocean to put distance between family eh?

My brother and I used to fight badly at times when we were growing up. I'm just glad that we got to solve our differences before he died and that he showed me in a few ways that I was important to him (despite appearances) because my recovery has depended a lot on things such as this.

So to have waited for four months or more? without knowing if your brother was talking to you, or if he was coping etc etc would have yeah, been the pit's.  I'm glad that things are back to normal for you now, that's great news.  Besides that, what brothers are for eh? having each others' back? :)

It was nice to read of a past memory of your childhood. Thanks, your story caused some much-welcomed old memories to come back.  In the years after his death, I have slowly been able to only enjoy the good memories and forget a lot of the bad, which has been great to say the least.

Yeah I intend on securing a psychologist soon that I don't have logistical issues with haha.  I'm also pleased to say that my parents, sister and I are about to undertake family psychological counseling to try to sort out some of the gaping hole that has emerged since my brothers passing.

I just hope it goes well.  I think we all are a little scared of what the other has to say and I just hope no-one gets hurt in the process when emotions start being offloaded??  I suppose you can't get to the good stuff without going through the bad.  Bugger.

Thanks David,

Mark

Dear Mark,

I guess if a family can be close it can also be absurdly distant and revoltingly difficult.  In the movie "Lilo and Stich" (Disney) an older sister takes care of her much younger sister.  From memory, set in Hawaii.    The "plot" centres around an alien landing and basically destroying anything and everything whilst another alien comes to retrieve him/her/it/the thing.     Despite everything the alien becomes a close part of the sisters lives.  So the message, a la Disney, is that "Family is family.  Family stick together".  [No character ever says "take some responsibility" or "be a man" or even "look what you've made us go through, honestly"].

Now if Disney can work it out................  Also, your comment about your passed brother being "immortalised in some way" was very insightful.  Extend you intuition more by accepting that Geoff is termed by me The Father of the Board whereas I am merely a better looking younger responder (50).    We have both been through a lot including this new website's complexity !     I think there are always 40 - 50 regular responders and about 3,000 passive lurkers.  And only one old lady moderator that sometimes goes home early with irritable bowel disorder.  Nay, I jest.  It's a pretty good team and you seem to be on the same wavelength.

Adios, David.

dear Mark, thanks for your words, this also means a lot to me and I am sure it does with David Charles who has suffered for 26 years with bipolar.

There's an interesting comment that you make and it says this ' I have had it all wrong lately', NO you haven't at all, it's just that people with depression have been able to find a way for you to understand what you were suffering from, and to be able to relate back to you on how you were feeling.

Take it easy, because you will have some bad days still, but if even if you have 2 or 3 good days then this is good, because your depression has been unlocked. Geoff.