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Forums / Grief and loss / Angel mummy

Topic: Angel mummy

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Devislust
    Devislust avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2016

    Today has been the worst for my mental health. Being referred to a psychologist tomorrow to talk about everything.

    I've recently lost 2 babies due to miscarriage and its the only thing in my mind. I can't describe how I feel. Nobody I know understands.

    I'm too scared to go into the shops cause I'll break down crying. Even going for a simple blood test plays on my mind. I don't know what to do.

  2. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    26 May 2016 in reply to Devislust

    Hi Devislust. Please accept my sincere condolences here. Was it twins, you mentioned two miscarriages, so I presumed it to mean twins. Mere words seem useless, I really feel for your loss. I'm hoping your psychologist is knowledgeable in grief counselling. You are in a state of shock, grief, disbelief. May I ask where your hubby is in this, does he share your grief, or has he 'shut down'. May I ask how far along you were? You need to get in touch with your feelings here, express your anger/hurt/betrayal. These feelings are real. The possible guilt you could be experiencing, wondering what you did to deserve this. The answer, nothing, no-one deserves this kind of anguish. Please try not to blame yourself either. Maybe in time you could write down your innermost secrets about the things you would have liked to teach your babies as they grew. You've been denied the chance to know future people that you would've loved, nurtured. If you haven't named them, perhaps this is something you could consider later. That way, there would be a realistic knowledge that they would've 'been'. Hopefully, your psychologist can help you come to terms with this tragedy.

    Lynda.

  3. Devislust
    Devislust avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2016 in reply to pipsy
    Thank you Lynda, your words are most kind. No not twins. 2 separate miscarriages, one in March this year and another at the end of April (last month). Im hoping I can get some help from the psychologist too. I can't turn to my partner at the moment he doesn't talk about it. Always brushes it off.
  4. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    26 May 2016 in reply to Devislust

    Hi Devislust. Your partner's way of dealing with this loss is to shut down. Most (not all) men have no idea how to cope with tragedy of any kind. Because they're taught from a young age 'men don't cry', they tend to bottle things up. He's probably angry with you, himself, the babies you lost. When I say he could be angry with you, I don't mean you in the sense of how could you let this happen? I mean you in the sense of where did you as a couple go wrong? He's possibly also in denial, won't admit to himself how he's feeling. It's hard to process why, when something like this happens. Surgeons can't answer, they may have the medical answers, they don't have the emotional ones. No-one has the emotional ones. Once you start counselling, learning to process, perhaps you could slowly help hubby to let his grief/anger/hurt come to the surface too. Hubby needs to let his emotions surface so he can start to heal Grieving is important for healing.

    Best wishes to both of you in your grief.

    Lynda.

  5. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    26 May 2016 in reply to Devislust

    Dear Devislust

    Hello. I am so sorry that you have lost two babies recently. It is dreadful when when all your expectations of having a wonderful baby disappear. My daughter lost her baby at 19 weeks and the whole family felt the loss. I can only imagine how sad you and your husband are feeling.

    At the moment you feel so sad and that you will always feel this way. I realise this is not much comfort but you will get stronger. Feeling lost like this is a horrible place to be but it's OK to feel this way. Parents need time to grieve over their loss and some help to manage. It's natural to want to cry and I would be nervous going anyway because of the need to cry. Do you have other family who can help you with the day to day tasks outside of your home? Just until you can regain your strength.

    When my daughter miscarried it felt like the end of the world. While she and her husband stayed at home I did bits for them. Has someone been able to tell your family and friends about your loss. I know it's too hard for you to do this. Give someone a list of those you want informed.

    I would love to put my arms around you and hold you tight. You need so much comfort. When you see the psychologist, please talk as much as you can. Crying is OK, he/she will be used to this. Is someone going to take you there? You should not make this journey on your own, especially while you are so emotional. Let your friends and family look after you. I know you will want time on your own but don't push everyone away. Let them share your grief because it makes it just a little bit easier for you.

    It's also good to write about your feelings. Beyond Blue is a safe place to do this. Someone is always here to answer you.

    Mary

  6. Devislust
    Devislust avatar
    4 posts
    27 May 2016 in reply to White Rose

    Thank you Mary. No i dont have anybody. My mum works and has my little 9 year old sister so I don't want to bother her. I will be driving there vy myself whether my partner wants to come or not is up to him.

    I was no where near as far along as your daughter in so so sorry for their loss as it is yours as well. I was planning to get my mum a present for mothers day something to do with being a grandmother. But I lost the baby 2 days beforehand.

    I guess I'm still trying to understand how I'm dealing with it myself.

  7. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Devislust

    Hello Devislust

    How did your visit to the doctor go? Did you get a referral to a psychologist? I wanted to check in with you to see how you are traveling.

    Yes my daughter's miscarriage was a dreadful time for everyone, my daughter and husband especially. She did become pregnant again and this time carried the baby to term. She had a daughter. The first baby was a boy.

    I know one of the things that helped my daughter was talking to family and friends. Moms really want to help their children and I am certain your mom would not consider you a bother. It may help both of you to talk about this loss. Does your little sister visit you? Invite both mom and sister to visit you, perhaps at the weekend. It's really not good to grieve on your own. In any event, you can talk here on BB.

    Please keep us up to date and chat about how you are going.

    Mary

  8. Devislust
    Devislust avatar
    4 posts
    31 May 2016 in reply to White Rose

    Thank you Mary. Yes I see her next week some time. I visit my mum quite often as it's more peaceful there than where I live at the moment. I fell pregnant within 3 weeks after I miscarried the first time.

    My partner and I have spoken and we are going to try to conceive again after my first cycle.

    I try and talk to mum but I feel like sometimes i can't. With everything that's gone on other things have become a problem and im trying to deal with them the best I can at the moment by myself.

  9. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 June 2016 in reply to Devislust

    Hello Devislust

    Have you spoken with your obstetrician on your plans for another child. I know this is a very personal decision and not really my business. When my daughter lost her baby she was told to wait a couple of months before trying again. The circumstances are different because she went through IVF for her babies, but I wonder if you should chat to your doctor first. Give yourself a recuperation time and breathing space.

    Starting any conversation about emotional matters can be difficult. I have found if I simply say to someone, "Can we have a chat about ..." that it sets the agenda about the topic. And because you have set the topic up front your mom will know this is important to you. I take it you talk to her while your sister is in school.

    Would it help to talk about these other problems here? Sometimes just putting these things in writing helps. I don't know if we will have any solutions but we can give you support.

    How is your husband managing? I gather he has shut down a bit about the babies. This is a coping mechanism many people use to avoid the pain of a particular event. It seems as though is more willing to talk now. Couples are there to help each other at times like this.

    I do suggest you check with your doctor before going ahead with your baby plans.

    Mary

  10. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16207 posts
    2 June 2016 in reply to Devislust
    dear Devillust, I have just popped by to wish you my most sincere condolences.
    It's something that you would love to talk to your partner about, but he is too saddened, just as you are to want to talk about what happened, perhaps he may want to go with you to see the psychologist.
    Please feel as though you are entitled to cry when and where ever you want to, there is NO shame in doing so. Geoff. x

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