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Forums / Grief and loss / Anger and blame after suicide

Topic: Anger and blame after suicide

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. aMonsterCalls
    aMonsterCalls avatar
    5 posts
    11 January 2022
    My teenage son took his own life recently and I can't stop thinking that the people he was living with are to blame. Not directly but by the way they taught him to supress his emotions. I don't know what to do with these thoughts and feelings because they feel true but don't add up to "evidence" that I can tell the police. I'm starting counselling end of the month.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9779 posts
    11 January 2022 in reply to aMonsterCalls

    Hi, welcome

    Firstly, my condolences to everyone that knew him.

    Well done in seeking counselling

    My brother did the same at 26yo in 1978. My uncle at 82yo in 2001. I attempted in 1996 and my sister in 1999. I've written a lot about this and other topics on this forum.

    When my brother passed my parents were angry with his then girlfriend and was the focus of their energies for several months. The reality was, she was found not to be that close to him and she stopped his advances.

    I think it's natural to seek out any irregularities in his life looking for answers. From the knowledge I've gathered over my 66 years, I don't think many suicides can be blamed on other people. That's why charges wouldn't stick.

    In regards to "evidence" from people giving adverse influences it brings to mind that other bad behaviour that isn't illegal like manipulation, narcissism, verbal abuse, even swearing now all legal but some can devastate lives.

    While it's possible his flatmates weren't helpful, I'd focus on their intent and no, they would not have intended such a result. As flatmates, as opposed to close friends they might have suppressed him expressing emotions as they weren't close enough or had their own issues or didn't know how to cope with them or how to help. We here regularly get members asking why people don't understand us with mental health issues. There is one over-riding factor- we can't "see" the illness. That alone places the sufferer in the poor position of being stigmatised and rejected. It's in the too hard basket. Break a leg and you're swarmed with empathy!

    My guess- 80% of people are in that category, 10%, try to understand (have empathy), 5% do understand or have an undiagnosed mental health condition and 5% have a diagnosed MI.

    I'm bipolar as is my sister and I suspect my late brother. Did you know suicides of bipolar is around 20%?. And the suicide numbers in Australia is greater than the road toll at around 3000 and 80% is male!. So it's very common.

    Dear "amonstercalls" I know the hell you are facing. He was graced with a wonderful mum that did no wrong.

    NORMAL FOR A MUM

    She questions life earned

    Searches under rocks upturned

    For answers to her loving son

    Those queries normal for his loving mum...

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6824 posts
    11 January 2022 in reply to aMonsterCalls
    Hi aMonsterCalls,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

    We are sorry to hear that your son took his own life recently. We understand this must be such a difficult and confusing time for you. We just want to remind you that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. aMonsterCalls
    aMonsterCalls avatar
    5 posts
    12 January 2022 in reply to white knight
    Thankyou for sharing your story TonyWK. I was trying to remain anonymous when I said "people he lived with". They weren't flatmates but his own father and step mother. We don't see eye to eye on many things and now this feels like an irreparable chasm.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    12 January 2022 in reply to aMonsterCalls

    Hello aMonsterCalls

    My heartfelt condolences to you and your family and friends on the loss of your son. I have no idea the pain that comes with losing a child, as a mother myself I pray I never find out.

    I have lost my younger brother to suicide, he was just 19 years old, that was in 2019 and I can say to you only now, there is a softening of the pain, does it ever go… No … but you do manage to have a happy life. See I never ever thought two years ago I could ever laugh or smile again. I also did not ever imagine a life without feeling overwhelming guilt but mostly never being free of the constant role playing in my mind of why, what went wrong, what did we miss and mostly.. who is to blame.

    I came here first, to Beyond Blue and wrote a post in desperation and panic to find answers.. I knew nothing about suicide and was clutching to anything for a reason.
    The community here responded and I learnt a few things, some things that have not only seen me heal but also help others. I also got some wonderful counselling and I a so proud you are too… I believe it is vital.

    So I learnt that no one actually is to blame for a person taking their life but the person themselves. They made a choice, albeit one in a state of extreme pain or hurt or confusion or suffering but it was their choice. I learnt that we cannot be responsible for keeping another person alive, that if they cannot or will not seek help or reach out how can we help them? And also what a weight to carry, that of being in charge every minute of every day to make sure another is alive… it is simply not possible and not fair. I learnt that we will never know the full reasons or details of why our loved one left and as horrific as this is we have to make peace with knowing that or it can destroy you too, the constant thinking and wondering and agonising over why will take its toll on you…. I have been there too and it is a hard thing to make peace with but very important. It will take time but you therapist will be able to help you here.

    Mostly I learnt that it was hard to accept a passing of my loved one in a totally unacceptable way. It is easier if they had an accident or if they had a reason that we could attach their passing to but when we don’t it is so hard and I urge you to keep talking here and sharing your journey. I credit my healing to being here… I haven’t left!

    Every best wish for healing and peace to you and I am so very sorry for your loss.

    This was not your fault.

    hugs

    Sarah

  6. aMonsterCalls
    aMonsterCalls avatar
    5 posts
    13 January 2022 in reply to Aaronsis

    I so appreciate your sharing your story with me. It definately would be easier if his passing was from a car accident or something clear cut with a way to see justice done. There will be no justice...unless the police find some evidence of wrongdoing. The report has not been completed yet.

    I would like to find support in these forums but I don't feel anonymous enough. I fear his father could easily come here also and identify my threads. I may have to make do with counselling.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9779 posts
    13 January 2022 in reply to aMonsterCalls

    Hi again,

    Re: "I would like to find support in these forums but I don't feel anonymous enough. I fear his father could easily come here also and identify my threads"

    I think that unlikely because as I said before 3000 suicides a year, many are teenage boys and many have step mums. The chances are too slim.

    The direct subject part of "blame" has been discussed now. Perhaps you might decide on other areas of his passing if you think we are helping.

    Whatever you want please remember we are here for you, no hidden agendas. It's what we do, care.

    Thanks lively dear SARAH. I do recall your first ever post and since then your open arms to others.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful

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