5~ years ago I lost someone that i dearly loved and I haven't had a dream about them for a while. In fact it's been months since I've had a conversation with them in my dreams. I don't know what triggered me to dream about them but they came into my dreams recently. I thought that I have finally accepted their passing but i guess not. In that dream I finally got a chance to tell them about everything that I've gone through these days, all the breakdowns i have and my thoughts. After that I woke up crying, to the point where i couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my face.

Am i still not done with the grieving process? everyone else seems to have moved on but why am i still frustrated and mad that they left every time I have a dream about them? I still blame myself to this day, if I had made them go to a hospital sooner maybe they would've been here today, if I hadn't listened to them saying they're fine when in fact they're clearly not.. I tried writing a letter to them and all that stuff but i still can't move on. it hurts so much my chest feels heavy but at the same time empty

Hello H-c,

This is the first post of yours I've seen, so I don't know what you've already been talking about.

I am so sorry you have lost someone in this way. A loss like this, I don't think is easy to 'get over'. Everyone grieves in their own way, taking whatever time they need. There are no set rules about that.

It seems to me, that in your dreams, you are processing some very deep feelings you have. I wonder if you have spoken to anyone, such as a counsellor or psychologist about the feelings you describe here, all the guilt & self-blame? Are you thinking you didn't do everything you actually could have done? I mean, could you have forced her to go to hospital? I'm thnking, you were there, you were talking to her & supporting her as best you could at the time. Perhaps talking over these feelings with someone will help you understand, her death wasn't your fault.

It hurts that's she is gone,& the only way to talk with her now is in your dreams. I'd like to do that,too, but haven't much, not as I'd like. It brings up the pain, & I can understand waking in tears following such dreams.

If you want to speak with a counsellor or a psychologist, please make an appointment with your GP, so they can help find someone you can talk to. Otherwise, you can call BB's own counsellors on 1300 22 4636.

Warm regards,

mmMekitty

dear mmMEkitty,

no, i have not talked to any medical professional about this as i thought I was fine already.. and you said " Are you thinking you didn't do everything you actually could have done? " that was what i wanted to say thank you for bringing the words out. It's the if only(s) that wont go away. everytime i begin to think it's the if only(s). if only i had called and ask someone for help earlier, if only i had been stubborn and forced them to go to the hospital. maybe they would've suffered less or even be here today.

btw how did you come to terms that it's a she i'm talking about?

Hi H-c

I feel so much for you as you face the incredible emotional challenges that come with that dream and the loss of your friend. I can only imagine how upsetting it was for you to dream about them and still, with what I imagine, I'm sure it doesn't come close to the feelings you're experiencing.

A strange question perhaps but what part did they play in the dream? You mention that you don't know what triggered the dream. Perhaps if you knew what triggered it, things may make more sense. Not sure. For example, some people will say that they suddenly dreamed of their spouse who's passed more than 5 years ago. Around the time of the dream, they might be confused and maybe even feeling guilt about whether to move on in a new relationship some time after their partner's passing. In the dream their partner appears, telling them in some way that it's okay to move on. Like they might experience their partner hugging them, in a way that says 'It's okay. It's time to move on'. The dream only comes to them at this point of transition, 5 years later. It's like there's no need for it to happen until now.

Whether the dream came as a way of encouraging you to vent more or explore your feelings more at this point in time, only you know. If they've appeared in your dreams up until a couple of months ago, was it always in a helpful or consoling or guiding way? Were the dreams triggering you to be more conscious of certain things? Wondering why the dream came to you is definitely something worth wondering about. Who knows, maybe it's exactly what you needed at this time of your life.

I wish for you the ability to make sense of the dream easily, so that you can move through and beyond the pain of it.

Hi H-c,

I also lost someone I dearly loved. It will be 3 years this August. They haven’t left my thoughts since. The dreams of them come and go, but are mostly consistent.

Like you I spoke to my friend and was reassured that everything was ok. He passed away 2 days later.

This still haunts me and I have resigned myself to the fact that I will grieve this person every day for the rest of my life.

He believed in the after life and I hope that he is right, that we will meet again. This thought has kept me sane during bouts of debilitating grief and despair.

The grief was so intense at times that I had a complete physical break down. Like you My chest hurt and breathing was so painful at times that I thought I was having a stroke.

I even called out for them to come for me. I hit absolute bottom. I had to scream and rant and cry to get it out of my system. I wanted to call his parents to help me. But I didn’t call them. I felt so selfish for thinking of myself only when others were also grieving.

I started to pick myself up after this. I am ok now…

Thank you, H-c,

I can only imagine, the loss of my friend, of my teenage years has been on my mind, & I have on occasion, dreamt we were talking together again, too, how it was between her & I, & having a chance, if only in my dreams, for us to say things we never had before, was why I wrote 'her', without realising I'd done it. Even the typo, too, I notice, I hadn't noticed until re-reading my post again.

I am sorry for my error - not keeping to 'they'.

We can endlessly 'what if...', but I found doing that only kept me in turmoil & grief, & didn't make anything better.

You were a good friend to them & they to you, for the precious time you had together. I think this is the most important thing to keep in mind.

Warm regards,

mmMekitty

Hi therising,

Sorry for the late reply, to answer your question "A strange question perhaps but what part did they play in the dream?" they were just there to listen to me and they didn't really speak a ton, they were just there...to listen.

I honestly don't know anymore. Even though it's been 5 years I'm still not really over their death. a part of me wants to release it and let them go but another part of me still blame myself, that I could've acted sooner. Everything's been going on a downslide ever since their passing and I can't seem to find the light anymore. It feels like I'm in a never ending dark tunnel with no light at the end to look forward to. I'm falling apart and breaking down more often and the person that could make all the pain go away is not here anymore.

Hi H-c

How incredibly painful, to have your 'go to' person in life be the one person who's not here. I feel so so deeply for you.

If you don't mind me asking, what did you learn from them while they were here? What kind of legacy or philosophy did they gift to you? I imagine they were outstanding in incredible ways, given your connection.

If you were to dream of your friend giving you answers or a sense of the way forward, do you think you would look forward to dreaming about them? I recall someone once saying that they would occasionally dream of a close friend who had passed. They were in 2 minds about such a thing, whether it was good or bad. While the dreams were good and even helpful to them, waking up from them was incredibly painful. Coming back to full consciousness was the moment where their brain suddenly reminded them that their friend has passed. It was initially terribly sad. They eventually came to see the dreams as kind of like 'visiting' for a period before returning (to their waking state). I think it's referred to as 'lucid dreaming', where you can direct your dreams. Not sure how it's done, as nothing's ever led me to research it.

It can feel impossible to gain a different perspective on life when it appears as nothing but dark. It's such a hopeless perspective that only those who have faced the darkness can understand. From my own experience, I would say it takes the right combination of people, the right combination of words, the right combination of circumstances before such combinations unlock something significant. Until then, we can be left finding all the wrong combinations. In think we can feel wrong ones. We can feel the people who say 'You should be over it by now', kick us when we're down. We can feel the impact of people not actively bringing us to life in ways that really count. We can feel our thoughts and what we imagine, when it comes to the darker images that come to mind. With such an ability to feel so easily, we can also feel those who bring us to life. It can take some time before we meet with such a person or such people, those who brings us back to life or light. I may sound a little foolish to some degree but I believe the reason we continue to feel the darkness at times is because we haven't met them yet. When we meet them, we know it, without a single doubt in our mind. We feel it.

With me wondering for 15 years or so why there was no light, I came to realise no one had brought it until the day it came.