When I was 10 I lost my father to Aids. I didn't understand the reasons or the permanency of death. Now as a 30 year old I constantly ask myself how can I not exist? Why am I here? Why did my dad die? How can I not be me? It makes no sense and it scares me to the point of tears. I have a 6 and 5 year old and I know that not only will I die but they will to. Does anyone else ever have these thoughts? Or is there something wrong with me?

Hi 9967,

Sorry to hear this is getting you down mate. Are you seeing a counsellor or are you able to? Losing your father is obviously a terrible thing that could create your feelings, they are all good questions you pose, thinking about them with calmness would be challenging.

Have you tried meditation? It has helped me a lot to train my brain to focus, on the positive things that make me happy and off the negative. It has brought me calmness which helps me to live in the moment, to keep pulling my self back to the positive aspects of my challenges. Yes, we will all die, so we better live each moment to it's fullest and with practice we can.

With a professional diagnosis you can develop a plan for recovery. It wouldn't be surprising if you had a greater fear of death/loss than most and with help you can get on top of this. I lost my mum when I was 13 and it was 20 years later before I got help for the way I had become. I would never been able to 'fix' my self, it took professionals and action to feel better and I have come a long way since then. It was easier than I thought it would be.

It is what it is, try not to be scared and stay focused on the one thing you can control and change; your self. Stay focused on the positive parts of your life, your beautiful family etc. I am sure you will get support and advice here, talk any time, all the best mate.

Jack

 

Cheers Jack

Hi 9967

 Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for the post you provided.  Yes, I know these feelings very well also.

I would very much like to thank Jack for his really insightful response though - I've had counselling and the like over many years and despite all that, i still do get patches of my life where I go into deep depression over the concept of death and what it entails.

With Jack's response, I've had a lot of those comments and suggestions provided to me and they do work.  Ok, for me not all the time, as I do have lapses and they do drag me a down a lot.

But I hope that you're now armed with some quality ammunition to fire at the demons when they come a knockin' and so you can reach out and grab the positives and live for the moment, live for the hour, live for the day and keep that going.

Another good thing, personally I find, is to hang around here a bit - and if you want some more light-hearted stuff, go to the Community Board and check out some different threads there.  Just a bit of giggle at times and let's face it, a smile can really lift the spirits.

Cheers

Neil

 

Irvin Yalom is a famous American humanistic counsellor/author. He proposed that man's greatest fear is death and that all other anxieties stem from this root fear. it's the anhialation of our ego, the thought that we have little or no impact on the universe at large. that our lives are just like shooting stars.

Buddhism has helped me a little. And Eckhart Tolle too. If we can go beyond ego, beyond our emotions and thoughts, access the deep pool of wisdom within, then we can transcend all our anxieties and find peace.

It's interesting the notion of reincarnation. I would prefer this over heaven or hell. I think it is scary because it is inevitable. I also think that the thought of death causes me anxiety when I am honest in my thoughts and not distracted by others, alcohol, drugs or gambling. It makes me wonder what the point is? It's agonising to see beautiful innocent people in pain and to think that it is all for nothing would be ironic and deflating. It is nice to know that Donald trump, bill gates and Michael Jordan etc.. Will all meet the same end as the poorest of poor starved child in Africa or India.

For me, the point is to find direction and purpose in my life. We are at risk of death and to me this is what makes life so miraculous and motivates me to stay on my journey. If we never had to die I think we would be pretty bored! As sure as the sun rises it must also set. We can be aware that death will come and we can be prepared for it. But to constantly fear it is to be enslaved by it, we should shape our lives with ambition and passion keeping love in our hearts, not fear.

Buddhism has helped me too, a lot. My limited understanding is that we have a spirit and we are faced with lessons in our life time, our spirit is reincarnated and faces the same lessons until we learn them, eventually we can all become Buddha like. Give unconditional love if you want to see your spirit in action.

Most people suffer some pain in their lives, it's how they recover that makes the difference. Great things often come from horrible situations because we learn and grow and become better people.

Jack