Hi everyone i'm new here my tragic story takes place in 2009 my brother was murdered that day everything changed. I lost my best friend and though it's been 6 years i can't let go of the anger and guilt I feel, as though I should of done something to stop this tragic event. Recently I met someone its not the best relationship but I have noticed I have become a cold person I don't allow intimacy to occur as i have now locked my feeling away and find it hard to express my love for my partner. We have recently moved in together. I feel that i'm at breaking point i have organized everything from the bond to the lease, utilities, purchasing the white goods. I have episodes of anxiety and feel so overwhelmed and don't enjoy these happy moments in life i feel as though i'm headed for a nervous breakdown my partner knows nothing of how i feel i should add i am also gay cheers 

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Hi there Azza,

 

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

 

I’m sorry to hear of the terrible loss of your brother – that would be something truly horrible to deal with and for all the emotions that would be fuelled by that as well.

 

You don’t speak of any professional help or support that you may have had during the years after – whether you have or not?  I think under circumstances of your brother’s, it would be a very helpful thing to have someone professional to talk to about it?  Perhaps even with your GP, they may be able to prescribe some kind of medication, to help with your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder … it wouldn’t surprise me at all if you were suffering from PTSD.  I too lost my brother and suffer badly from PTSD.

 

Also to talk to a professional may be an option with regard to your partner – to see if they can help work some kind of way for you to become more involved and close to your partner?

 

One last thing I’d like to comment on is with regard to your moving … these times can be very traumatic and stressful, and no matter what love and affection for a partner you may have, if one person is largely doing all the work with regard to the move, then that person could easily become overwhelmed at all that needs to be done.  I’m sensing this in your post … having to concentrate on everything, I can see that you may need to share some of the load, so it doesn’t become too much for you.

 

Just a few thoughts to provide to you after my initial read – I hope I’ve touched on something that was helpful and would really love to hear back from you on this.

 

Kind regards

 

Neil

Hi Azza, welcome

My friend Neil has replied in kind with some thoughts.

My brother took his own life in 1979 at 27yo. My uncle went the same way. I found it really hard to accept.

Perhaps the big picture I'm trying to convey is one whereby you could eventually tell yourself "my brother would want me to be happy and happiness is moving on with my life and while treasuring my memories of him, I cant flood my life with sorrow".

However this isn't a topic I'm wonderful at, so I can suggest that you make some effort into some evenings with romance in mind, some candles, a nice dinner, a short walk. This should take your mind off the sadness surrounding your thoughts. The effort you put in could offset those other thoughts and result in you being relaxed.

Finally, you will know the moment it is time to release the past to tell your partner about your family tragedy. Your anxiety and depressive moods will need you to be fair to your partner. Let it out and be determined to live a happy life....just like your brother would have dreamed for you.

Tony WK

 

Hey Azza,

I'm so very sorry you lost your brother.

The emotions that losing someone stirs up can be very difficult to deal with and persist for a long time. Our natural way of protecting ourselves from further pain is to close down emotionally, you described this as becoming a cold person. You don't sound like a cold person, just someone who has experienced a traumatic loss.

Talking about emotional things lets our brain process the events and associated emotions. Do you feel safe enough to share your story with your partner? That could help with how you feel and also help your relationship.

It sounds like being left with most of the responsibility of organising the move and setup has upset you as well. Did your partner help with the move? I also wonder if the new set of emotions that come with moving in with your partner has added more emotional stress which has prompted you to feel like things are almost on top of you.

What are your thoughts Azza?

Paul xx

dear Azza, I feel so deeply for your loss, just as I do for my very good friends Neil and Tony, as the three of you share
a very personal loss to someone who you loved so dearly.
I haven't been through any of this myself, but hell if anything happened to my twin brother I would be totally devastated
to the extent I would just close up even though we are fraternal, we are very close.
There are so many questions we ask ourselves, but we don't or can't get any answers, so why does this have to happen,
we could in turn blame ourselves, but different circumstances we could be faced with, and can have no consequences on what
actually happened, so now it leaves a hole in our heart, one which can only be partially be healed.
The one main issue here is that the love for the person you have lost will always be there, and carried with you where
ever you go, because that's something which can never be removed, it's a thought that only you will cherish.
Azza if you feel close to your partner, then don't withhold your thoughts, take some comfort in how he will be able to
talk with you and console you in your worries, because once you have a partner you could tend to not discuss your
greatest fears, and what this does is when you are saddened by the memories, could create a barrier between the both of
you.
This is a time where you both need to share your thoughts, enjoyments as well as combine all the expenses needed to move
into whereever you have moved into. Geoff.