i'm quite young, in anyone's terms. i had three older brothers, and an older sister as well. all of my brothers enlisted in the army, and were deployed when I was 10. i just remember my teacher telling me that there'd been an emergency and I had to go to my sister's school. we were taken to a quiet office and told that our two eldest brothers (who were twins) had died serving overseas. it sounds terrible, but I don't think I really felt it. i didn't really care until years later when I realised that I wasn't going to get them back, ever. just 2 years after that, our last brother died. he'd been shot, and died in intensive care later the same day. i felt his loss a lot more, and I don't know if it was because I was older, or if it was because I was closer with him than our other brothers. but I've had this sort of empty feeling in me whenever I see people with their siblings, or my friends talk about their brothers. I've never told anyone outside my family about it. it's too painful. once one of my friends told me I should get a brother, and I burst out crying at school. i keep getting flashbacks of all of us together, doing piggyback rides or stealing icecream or go kart rides. i just don't feel like anyone would understand. losing one sibling, maybe, but three? my sister has seemed to be fine, as bad as it sounds. she's never cried about it to my knowledge, and doesn't seem to be affected when anyone talks about their brothers or the army or war. i can barely hold in tears when that happens. we learnt about world war II in history and all I could think about was the hundreds of thousands of families who would never get their son or father or brother back. my four male cousins, who I am very close with, are all active members of different armies and I'm so terrified that I'm going to get a phone call one day telling me that they've passed away. I'm so scared I've begged them to quit the army but they don't seem to share the same fear. they were all devastated when my brothers died but they don't seem to ever consider that it could happen to them, and what it would do to our family. it's so painful writing this out, it just feels like there's a big hole in my chest that gets heavier every day. i miss them all endlessly.

Hi angelarmani

I'm really sorry you're feeling this sadness. I found it helped me to talk about/verbalise my thoughts with someone who knew my loved one and was going through the same experience (in my case my mum, in your case maybe your sister or parents?) Your thoughts might be all over the place from deep and meaning to a casual passing thought or memories, or just discussions about death itself (everything and anything that is on your mind). There might never really be any solutions or answers, and sometimes it would just be one of you verbalising a thought while the other sits there and listens. My mum doesn't deal with grief the same as me, but something about sharing thoughts about someone we both are close to, was sort of therapeutic and kept me sane?
Find whatever way that works for you to express yourself, I think the most important thing is to not keep it all bottled in because you'll get lost in your own head.
Take care of yourself :)

Hello Angelarmani, to post your comment would have not only taken courage but enormous strength and I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your twin brothers, as I'm a twin, and also your other brother, perhaps back then you were too young to understand what it meant, but now the reality has come home and sorry I feel for you.

I can also understand the devastation, grief and shock being one twin watching his brother is just unbelievable and indescribable, there are just no words I can relate back to you.

To lose an older sibling only means that their advice, support, guidance and especially their love needs to be found elsewhere, whether it's from another sibling, a good friend, a parent or a counsellor has to be established and it's very important you find this security because what you have lost is mindboggling.

I can hear your thoughts so please get back to us.

My Best.

Geoff.

Hello Angelarmani, just wondering how you are going.

My best.

Geoff.

i am doing better Geoff, thank you for asking.

i have started seeing someone to talk through what i am feeling, and i think it is helping.

thank you for all your support, it means a lot.

thank you for all your support, it means a lot.

i have started seeing someone to talk through it all, and i think it is going good.

take care of yourself too <3

That's great to hear angelarmani, I've also booked my first appointment to see someone next week. Although we're all going through our own types of loss, I'm glad we have this forum where we're able to relate to each other. All the best, you're doing amazing :)