Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Grief and loss / Losing A parent from cancer

Topic: Losing A parent from cancer

22 posts, 0 answered
  1. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    3 February 2021

    Hi,

    Now I understand why 2020 is the worst. at the beginning of the year I was living a normal life as a 15 yr old and I continued on to do so. I came across many friends who just hated this yr so bad because of remote learning and stuff. for me that wasn't that bad because I loved staying home and avoid seeing people.

    things were going good until July where my mum had her hands turned purple. she went to the hospital and came back being diagnosed with TNBC (triple negative breast cancer). My mum is the type who hides her pain VERY well with her smile. I had really high hopes that she would heal. but as days passed on, her condition got worse. Her death is not what scarred me and made me painfully sad. It is the amount of pain she went through and me just sitting there not knowing what to do just broke me into tears.

    every time I go home from school, the first thing I do was to always go see my mum, she would always be there in the kitchen cooking food for us.

    And now I go home with no scent of her cooking, no sound, just complete silence. The light that used to lit up the house is gone. the warmth of her hug has disappeared. she never cared or spent money on herself. she needed new clothes but she wanted to spend her money on us and other people.

    People with the kindest heart leaves the best memory and at the same time the worst pain.

    I hope I can find someone who can relate to me because it is hard. Grief is something that will never heal completely. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

    Thank you for reading this.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9216 posts
    3 February 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive
    Hi STS, welcome

    First may I introduce myself. Im 64yo and like all people have lost loved ones.

    Last week my wife lost her step father to cancer. Her father is in hospital also with cancer.

    Regardless of the above it was the passing of my father in 1992, he was 64. I was then 36, that shook my world. How was I going to cope?

    What I did was carry on my father's legacy. That is- to be kind to others, love and protect animals and create a rose garden in his honour.

    You can do similar. Cooking? What about embracing cooking for others as a means to inherit her caring personality? One day you might be watched while you cook ...maybe by a child and you would be admired the same as you did your mum.

    Another way of coping is writing. I write poetry e.g. I've written several poems about my father.

    15yo is young to lose your mother. She would be so proud of you for writing in here with such dignity and poise.

    Repost anytime

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful
  3. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    3 February 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK,

    Im so sorry to hear that you've lost many dear ones through out your life. my deepest condolences to you and your wife. Im a bit relieved that you are able to understand what it feels like to lose loved ones.

    My mum was 54 and my dads 61. im scared to lose my dad too at a young age. His getting old...

    I mostly feel sorry for my younger siblings who are both 10 and 11. I worry about them everyday and do everything I can as an older sister. I don't want them to fall into depression. Though its likely for them to fall into it from what I've researched.

    Your totally right about carrying on my mums legacy. Im am now motivated to do things that she used to do. Thnx for the advice:)

    Ive always started cooking for myself because no-one makes food at home anymore. but I just need to work on cooking for the family not just myself.

    Also thats a great idea to write a poetry about her.

    Once again, Thank you:)

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Matchy69
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Matchy69 avatar
    5931 posts
    3 February 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    Hi Striving to survive I have lost both my parents to cancer and my true love at the age of 30 and many more family members.I was about your age when my dad passed away from cancer.You are so young for this to happen to you losing your wonderful mother.I wish I could say words of comfort for you but struggling with tears at the moment.You sound like you have some great memories to remember your mother by.They will be things you cherish in the years to come.I still find myself thinking of my parents and crying.Take one day at a time.

    Tale care,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    3 February 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark, i am so very sorry to hear that.

    My heart is filled in utmost sadness for you. Me here couldnt even bear the death of my mum and yet alone youve went through such a hard time more than i probably did. But then again evryone is different in their grief. I cannot imagine what its like to be in your position to lose BOTH parents from cancer. That is just...HeArt BrEAkiNg😭.

    Death of someone is like torture. One thing i hate about this life. I wish it never existed.

    Can you maybe share me some tips to growing up or moving on without someone who you depended on with your life?

  6. Matchy69
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Matchy69 avatar
    5931 posts
    4 February 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    Hi StrivingToSurvive and thank ou for your kind words.It was a really difficult time in my life when my dad passed from cancer.I was completely scared all the time and when he finally went I really didn' handle it well.I was really close to him.I locked myself in my room and shut myself off from the world.Some advice I would give is keep trying live your normal life best you can.See a grief councillr and talk about how you are feeling.I had feelings of anger and felt so alone.I think getting into a new routine when you come home or just saying hello to a picture of your mum.Always remember the the wonderful person your mum was.And it is ok to cry and it is ok to be sad a nd you need to go through a grieving process.

    Tale care,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. hopeful_daughter
    hopeful_daughter avatar
    1 posts
    7 March 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    hi STS, I came across your post now as here I am, at almost 3am in the morning crying my heart out again coz like you, I lost my beautiful Mom last year due to breast cancer. I am so sorry about your Mom, I can only imagine the pain and struggle you must be going through now given that your are very young. I was 35 when I lost Mom last year and all the while, when I was younger, I have anticipated for my loved ones' passing to come at some point. But yea, nothing can really ready you for it and when I thought I am mature and tough enough to face it, I feel like drowning with grief and sad emotions most of the time. Harder during this month because this period was the time when she was already in and out of the hospital.

    I am sure your Mom is very proud of you on how you are holding up and continuing your life now. What I feel helps me is by reading and joining grief forums coz it somehow helps me feel I am not alone and I am not the only one who has to go through this. Someone who has not lost a parent will never understand the pain we feel and I find that it is hard to explain my emotions to them because I know that they do not and will not understand it unless it happens to them. Given that, I prefer being in forums like this because it is easier to relate.

    Do not stop yourself if you feel like crying, cry it out, it will give you an instant relief, don't hold off on shedding tears.

    While it is easier said than done, force yourself to be motivated especially with your studies. Not everyday is a bad day and for days that you feel normal, do something productive and fun, losing our Mom does not mean that our happiness stops when they left us. I am sure, our Moms would hate seeing us sad all the time, they would want us to carry on with our lives, accomplish things and enjoy the journey.

    Lastly, I am not sure if you are a spiritual person but if you are, i find prayer calms me and helps with being hopeful that there will be better days ahead.

    I read somewhere that sadness from grief comes in waves, expect that in periods of special occasions throughout the year, the longing for our Moms to be around then would be there. We just need to ride it everytime and trust that the pain we feel now will be lesser as years go by.

    I wish us well, I hope to hear from you again. Stay strong and positive, we need to make our Mommas proud.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to hopeful_daughter

    hi hopeful_daughter, appreciate you responding to my forum. makes me feel like others do share related pain as me.

    I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved mother too. it saddens me how much people lose their mothers. Having a mother is honestly the biggest blessing. my mum was my best friend. it felt like I was a sister to her but always had comfort, relieve and protection. its been 8 months and I still feel the same sorrow every single day. not a day has passed without me shedding tears for her. Sometimes it feels unreal to think that she's dead. Maybe she's at her mums house overseas and she will be back soon- is what I always think until I realise that she's forever gone and start balling my eyes out...

    I never stop myself from crying. at school I cry, lunch time I spend my time in the bathroom crying. through my grief I have isolated myself from people. I have no energy to talk to people. I am failing at school with so much absence. and now I have developed severe anxiety and depression (im seeing a psychologist to help me out). I wish I could just go see mum and lay on her lap saying everything would be alright, but that hen over an egg Is gone. I have lost my shelter.

    yes I am a spiritual person, I pray whenever I think of her.

    I want a hug from her. her hug is an out of the world sensation. I truly miss that, nothing can replace it and im sure you feel the same way :(

    it does come in waves, but I would say thought out the day, not a week or a month.

    Your right, mum wouldnt want to see us sad but that is just a hope. I try to stay positive but it really hits me so bad.

    im taking baby steps, hoping things in the future that I come across can be handled easy without the assistance of my mother.

    I pray you and I and all those suffering to go through this well, hope to hear more from you

    Thank you.

  9. Sweesoft
    Sweesoft avatar
    60 posts
    30 March 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    I also lost my parents when I was young, my mom died when I was just 13 and my dad died 15 years later. It's really hard to move on, I was devastated, and somehow affected my mental health. I still miss them especially now that I have my own family.

    Time will heal all wounds but we will never forget the memories we had with them.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    31 March 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    hey strivingtosurvive, welcome.

    i'm so sorry for your loss. i lost my grandparents (mum's parents, dad's passed away before i was born) years ago (2013 & 2015) from cancer also. i miss them so much, beyond words. i can imagine it would be worse and harder losing a parent. my sincere condolences to you. there is no time limit on grieving.

    for me, i always get triggered by certain things that remind me of them, such as clothes they liked to wear, seeing people that look like them (especially my nana for some reason), smells, photos, just about anything.

    i try to tell myself they're out of their pain and suffering and at peace, and in heaven looking down on me (i'm not religious but i believe in that stuff). i personally think the stars remind me of them and in my thoughts, they might be up there as one, that's just my personal beliefs though. and they're with their other loved ones in heaven.

    i also grieve for animals too who i love and miss so much also. and on the anniversaries and birthdays i also get triggered. i try to visit the cemetery whenever i can but it's a couple hours away.

    thinking of you.

  11. SadJo
    SadJo avatar
    5 posts
    27 April 2021
    This is my first post here. It's hard to read posts where everyone has spoken about the pain of grief. I lost my beautiful Mum to Ovarian Cancer 7 years ago - that was the catalyst for my depression worsening. Mum and I were extremely close and I feel like a part of me has been ripped away. Why after 7 years does it still hurt so much? Why can't I cope? I have adult children of my own, but even they aren't enough to fill the black hole. Every day when I cry I tell myself, "my Mum is worth every tear I shed"... and she really is worth everything, but the pain is too much. I have lost more since her passing and I struggle so very much with even basic things at times. Some days (like today) I cry and cry, other days I'm OK, but those OK times seem so fleeting. I'm so tired, I'm worn out - I have a lot going on in my life, I just know that things wouldn't be this bad or hard for me if she was still here.
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Matchy69
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Matchy69 avatar
    5931 posts
    27 April 2021 in reply to SadJo

    Hi SadJo I welcome you to the forums and really sorry for your lost your mother and how much you have struggled since her lost. I to lost my mother about 7 years ago to ovarian cancer and it felt like I had my heart ripped from me.I was her carer for 3 years and when she went felt totally lost and alone after having this hard routine of caring for her. Those tears you shed is remembering wonderful mother you had.I to shed those tears after seven years and wish she was still here as nothing can ever replace your own mother and all those wonderful memories you have that will always be with you.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  13. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15318 posts
    27 April 2021 in reply to SadJo

    Hello Jo, my heart opens up to you, I'm just so sorry for you, and it really doesn't matter how long since she has passed away, love keeps your thoughts with her because a hole has been created which you are finding so difficult to fill, we know this but still leaves you in a very sad situation.

    I often think how my two sons are going to feel when my time has come, I think they will be just as devastated as how you are feeling, we're very close and no matter how hard I try to prepare them, they won't accept it's going to happen one day.

    You're in my thoughts.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  14. SadJo
    SadJo avatar
    5 posts
    27 April 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    Thank you Mark. I too looked after my Mum - took her to all of her appointments, chemo, Dr's, hospital visits, specialist appointments etc. She battled for 4 years but in the end it was too much - she wanted to die at home so I looked after her until the end. I feel like I failed her. She was only 64. I'm haunted by the look in her eyes as she looked at me on her last day, the way she struggled to open her eyes and look at me.
  15. SadJo
    SadJo avatar
    5 posts
    27 April 2021 in reply to geoff
    Thank you Geoff. You are right, there is hole, a huge hole - it's probably best described as a crater. I struggle with depression, have for over 20 years, but the last 7 have seen a downward spiral which cumulated into 2 Mental Health Clinic admissions and a failed SA.
  16. Matchy69
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Matchy69 avatar
    5931 posts
    27 April 2021 in reply to SadJo

    Hi SadJo you did such an amazing job looking after your mother.You have not failed your mother in anyway.I remember the last words from my mother and look in her eyes from once such a strong woman.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  17. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    57 posts
    8 May 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive

    Striving to survive,

    I am so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is tough especially you being so young. Please be kind to yourself, you are going through a lot. 2020 was really hard in general as you said, losing someone so important to you makes it even harder.

    Take it easy on yourself, take time to remember the special times you shared with your mum. As you said, grief never goes away. But you will eventually learn to live with the grief. Eventually the pain will not be so sharp and all encompassing. I lost an Aunty to cancer late last year too and the sadness is always there, I know somewhat how you feel. I feel for you.
    💜💜💜💜💜

    1 person found this helpful
  18. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Sweesoft

    Hi Sweesoft, im really sorry to hear that and pray your future gets easier. I mean you losing parents at an early must have been a really really tough journey and im proud you came through it alive. You are really strong!

    thank you for replying:)

  19. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to SadJo

    hi Sadjo, im glad you came by.

    I really feel you on how you say “ "my Mum is worth every tear I shed"... and she really is worth everything”.

    its really tough without someone you love so very much. Crying isnt really enough for me. Its a mixture of anger, sadness, irritation and emptiness.

    hope things get better.

    keeping you in my prayers:)

    again thank you for sharing. Its nice to hear some experiences quite similar.

  20. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Missing user

    hi, mb20lover,

    im sorry for what you have gone through. It really makes me sad how so many people go through similar situations like life really torturing the chosen bunch.
    i feel like our grief dont change at all. It stays the same. What changes is us growing stronger around it and learning how to cope it.

    wearing my mothers clothes gives me comfort cause its like shes hugging me.

    I love animals more than anything, i have like few pets and ofcourse ive had some pet loss. My guinea pig passed away three days ago and one of my cat died three weeks ago. Now i dont want to own anymore pets because all animals give us is love and it hurts alot when that love is no longer present. I am left with three cats and they are like my furry therapists.. just really afraid one day they might leave me.

    Thank you for sharing:) helped me understand better.

    take care.

  21. StrivingToSurvive
    StrivingToSurvive avatar
    11 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to ktac1689

    Hi, ktac1689,

    I am sorry for the loss of your dear Aunt.

    i Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. It helps me realise my significance as a human being.

    I hate myself alot because of so many things and i hurt myself. But your words helps me think twice.

    Thank you.

  22. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5948 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to StrivingToSurvive
    Hi StrivingToSurvive,

    We are sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now, especially hearing that you hate yourself. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up