There are some similarities between us, so I hope you do not mind if I write this.
I lost my mum earlier this year, she suffered a rare form of Ataxia before finally succumbing to Cancer.
It robbed her of her independence and vitality, she actually loved horse rising, and I have photos of her growing up around horses.
Animals are truly remarkable, they can say so much with a simple gesture, and I think for you to have them is something to cherish and hold onto, even the smallest flicker of light is sometimes enough to hold the darkness at bay for awhile.
I see in your words that you are a caring, thoughtful and beautiful person, and I am sure your mother is proud of you, for you to be by her side throughout must have created a feeling of immense love in her heart, a deep love that is something we can only hope to have in our lives.
You are incredibly brave and strong, to go through all of this whilst also raising a family, you are inspiring to me in many ways.
As I also lost my dad in September, I too am struggling to come to terms with why, I'm angry at how unjust life can be.
I think of all my parents had to endure, they lost their two little daughters, my sisters, tragically.
They separated so I was not around mum as much as I should have been, and that is a guilt that I must live with,
I think of all they endured, and wonder why they deserved so much pain, for mum to have to endure losing herself before passing, felt like an insult that was far too cruel.
There are so many cruel and abusive people in this world who seem to go unpunished and live free, yet people who give and love are snatched for us far too soon, sometimes I feel I don't understand anything anymore, principles I once lived by all seem for nothing, I have shouted at the world, blamed everyone, from religion that was not there, or to the doctors who do not know why dad passed away, I even scream at myself for not being a better son.
At times I have I even punched a wall.
I too wonder about what is the point of being a good person, but then I think, that my parents were incredible people, and they raised me to be the man I am, so I try to honour them by being who they know me to be, who they raised me to be, not who the cruel world is trying to make me turn into.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss, please know that you are not alone, I also want to thank you for giving me inspiration, and hope you can see yourself for the wonderful person you are.