My beautiful daughter took her own life on Feb 11. I am struggling with overwhelming grief and having thoughts of not wanting to go on.

We had no idea she was in such a dark place and keep asking why.

Please help me!

Hello CaroW, such a difficult thread to start as the pain you are suffering from must be extraordinary, my deepest and sincerest condolences to you.

It's such a devastating loss that you may not have any answer to all the questions you keep asking yourself and sometimes it's impossible for you to know the pain she was going through as she was hiding her thoughts, this is not any fault of yours and only wished you had contacted us much earlier, but certainly understand your situation.

Can I offer you a couple of phone calls to make or even by email and these are:

-Suicide callback service 1300 659 467 where you can also chat with a counsellor

-Lifeline 13 11 14

-supportaftersuicide.org.au › find-related-organisations

-wingsofhope.org.au › urgent-help

-www.grief.org.au

Our deepest thoughts are with you at this time and please contact 'standby support' by typing this into your search browser.

Please get back to us as we want to be there with you over this sudden shock that happened almost four weeks ago.

Please take care and really hope that you are able to get back to us.

Geoff. x

Hello there and welcome

I can't even imagine, as a fellow mum, how this must feel. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Are you receiving any professional help to assist you through this difficult period? I understand there are also grief and loss groups, perhaps online or even in your area. I know there is one locally here where they go on nature walks and talk, which sounds like a beautiful experience.

If you do want help accessing services in your area, you could call the Beyond Blue helpline and they can assist you. But if you just want to talk, I'm happy to listen too. This is a safe space full of kind and gentle people who care about what you're going through.

Sending you kind thoughts, Katy

Hi CaroW,

Firstly, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

I agree with what other people have said here. Do you have a support network to lean on? This could people in your personal life whom could you could share your grief with and/or mental health professionals, like from the places geoff suggested. Self-care and seeking a compassionate community (at your own pace and in a way that works best for you) is really important in healing, and you've come to a great place to start that journey. We are listening if/when you want to share more or for anything else you might need, no pressure at all.

Sending warm regards

Tay100

Hello CaroW..

Im so deeply sorry about your beautiful daughter..My sincere and deepest condolences...

No words could ever relieve the deep hurt and pain you feeling...but would like to echo Geoff’s words..it not your fault..Your daughter was keeping her thoughts to herself...

Please stay in touch with us here...if you feel up to it..also if possible reach out to your gp..he/she will be able to help you with professional councilling and give you some contacts that may be able to help you as well...

Your in my thoughts, CaroW...and I’m deeply so sad for your loss..

Grandy...

Hello CaroW

Your post hit me to my core as I came here for the very reason you are....the answer to "WHY"....I am so beyond sorry that you have had to go through this most traumatic time, I dont think as a parent it gets worse than this. From my heart I am so beyond sorry this has happened to you and to your family.

I lost my brother who was 19 in July last year, my father will never be the same, I have changed too and our family is ..well different now.

I want to start by saying this is NOT YOUR FAULT, that there was actually nothing you could have done differently on that day to make the outcome different. I have learnt that here, that by talking to survivors of suicide that this is such a personal and private journey and of course...had you have known you would have shifted the earth to change the outcome. I hope that you can hear that, that this is not your fault.

We too had no idea, not one clue, not one sign so I share with you the shock of not only losing your beautiful daughter but the way in which she passed also. The shock is so very horrific and so very confronting and while your journey of healing is just beginning, I can tell you from being 6 months further down the track that the shock does settle.

People also say time heals all wounds, I don't believe that to be true, I believe in time, you come to accept that the pain will be with you and you learn to have it with you as part of the new version of who you are, I have found to be true for me that we wont be the same again, we are coping but we are different.

I also have sought councelling and while I understand that it is not for everyone I found it to be one of the keys in my journey of understanding suicide, of learning about suicide. I hope you consider finding a grief counsellor and seeing if it can help you and your family too. I had to learn how to have a conversation with my step mother as I didn't agree with her "blaming" but I had to learn about what it must be like for a mother to lose her son/child, that it was not my role to agree but to listen, to acknowledge and let her be heard and not judge her.

Being here and talking and sharing and hearing other people's stories and how they are managing and coping, as well as talking to survivors of suicide has been invaluable to me.

I am almost running out of characters here but writing, get it all out...is the key to my healing too....

My heart goes out to you and I hope to chat some more to you.

Huge hugs

Sarah

Thanks Katy and to all who have replied.

I have contacted the grief line and have made an appointment with my GP and will be seeing her tomorrow, as I am really struggling.

I'm finding I am constantly teary and on the edge ready cry all day. I can't stop searching for answers and questioning why I couldn't see her overwhelming despair.

We would have done anything to help her, if only we had known just how much she was hurting. I'm searching for answers and have so many questions.

I loved her more than anything on this earth. I was so so proud of the amazing woman she was. So kind and caring to everyone. So generous and warm. A more beautiful person you wouldn't find.

In January this year she charted a plane and flew it to Bairnsdale to donate supplies to the bushfire victims, she mentored and nurtured all who crossed her path,she would give away her last dollar to someone in need or cancel her plans to help even a stranger her needed her skills and care. She volunteered for and supported the needy, never doing anything for herself.

Why then didn't she love herself? What on earth was going through her mind? How will I ever get past this devastating grief and despair. She is on my mind all day and all night. I'm not sleeping, barely eating and can't imagine life without her.

Hello CaroW

It is great that you are back to share some of your pain as well as your daughter's story. I can hear your pain but mostly I can hear your confusion, your disbelief and feel with you the search to find answers.

My brother had a very similar life it seems to your daughter, he was the dux of each of his school years, he got three scholarships to study Chemical Engineering at University, his intelligence was outstanding, but so was his humility, his ability to be there for all of his friends not only to help them with their studies but to sit up all night and talk through their problems, it seems he was everyone's rock......so my burning question was the same as yours "did he know how loved he was?"..the answer I believe is yes, and I believe it to be true for your beautiful girl too, that is partly what I learnt at counselling that this is not about the things you and I know to be rational. My brother obviously suffered so much with depression and anxiety and it was not until we got to read his letter that we knew that they even existed in his life. He always seemed so happy and like any other 19 year old man. This is also the thing, the ability to hide behind a mask and to ensure that they do come across as "happy". I think perhaps your daughter may have been the same, having the ability to put others first, do anything for anyone else, just not take a rock for themselves and not let people be there for them.

I am so pleased that you are seeking some professional help, I hope that you get as much as I did out of it as I really can say that I would not be this "healed" for want of a better word, without the support of my counsellor and the people here on this platform.

CaroW, the questions will go on and on and on in your brain, that is the pain of suicide, I got through this time by having to accept that the only person who could answer these questions was my brother, the why's the why nots....you will make yourself crazy trying to make sense of this, there is no sense to be made and that is why is hurts so very very much.

Crying is how you will spend your time for awhile, and that is fine too, as you said you loved her to the ends of the Earth, for me, I woke up one day and actually could not cry anymore, it does get easier CaroW, like I said in my first post to you, I don't think "time heals all wounds" but it does make it different and it is the "different" that enables you to get through the day.

My heart goes to you CaroW

Sarah

CaroW

I'm glad you're seeking support. As I said I can't imagine how it must feel as a mum. So feel what you need to feel. Let those tears out. Your daughter sounds like she was an amazingly generous person. Check back in here as you feel you need. I'm really glad to see Sarah has replied to you too.

My kind thoughts. Katy

Thank you Sarah. Your story was certainly similar in many ways.

Caitlin was brilliant too. A dentist and a pilot. Always looking for new ways to make a difference. Just the mention of her name made me proud. The people who have contacted me since she left us have nothing but love respect and gratitude toward her.

Sharing her story with you makes me feel a little better but can’t answer the questions.
thank you for caring 💕

My dearest thoughts are with you CaroW, and there will be no prelude to the many questions you ask, because once you believe there may be an answer why, then another query will dominate your thinking, until eventually when you are ready the thought of your daughter and how passionate she was in helping other people will start to dominate your thoughts.

Your heart will always have a spot that could never be filled except for pride and devotion.

Geoff.

Good Morning CaroW

I am so pleased to hear that talking and sharing here has helped in some small way, it will continue to also, I think the power of writing and sharing really is so very helpful. I started a journal when Aaron died, it was full of all sorts of things, some were feelings, some where questions and some where down right horrible and abusive, however, it was just for me, no one else and it was not for anyone to see or for me to share with. It helped so much to get it all out, to this day I have not gone back and read it, I don't feel I need to, those words can stay in those pages.

Caitlin sounds like an absolute salt of the earth woman, I am sure that for some time you will get random messages from people whom she touched with her love, kindness and intelligence. I got a message only last month from a girl who is struggling still, she said she feels guilt she could not help him, she was sorry she could not go to the funeral, but wanted to reach out to say how much he meant to her. These are the sorts of things that help me on my healing journey, knowing that in the small amount of time he was here on this Earth and his impact was more that some people have in 80 years of life.

Please take some time for you too, you do not need to punish yourself. Please even get a sandwich or some soup or something into you so that you can nourish your body. Maybe even a trip to the hairdressers to get a shampoo to make you feel some sense of worth. These small things I found to help me greatly.

I have recently been in touch with the police that attended the scene as I did not know the details of the "event"...they were so very amazing and treated me with such care and really ensured that I wanted to know these details, I did need to know as part of my healing as the brain, as you are realizing is a powerful tool and the scenarios that went through my head were damaging. As hard as it was I needed truth and to be able to sit with this news and then process it. This information was also gap filling too in that it did help with some of the questions that I had no answers for.

I guess what I am getting at here is try to focus on truths...the facts..as running scenarios through your brain will exhaust you and maybe even cause unnecessary pain. In time hopefully you will come to a place where I am now in accepting that some questions will never be able to be answered...know one thing though CaroW, she loved you so much.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xxx

Hi CaroW,

Hearing more about your daughter is very warming, I'm glad sharing lil anecdotes and details about her has brought you comfort. I think engaging in positive grieving behaviours won't necessarily quash the horrible loss and emotion, but it does pave the path for healing and being able to carry that loss into the future in a more bearable way. Keep us as updated as you like.

Sending hugs,

Tay100

Who'd have thought things could have got worse. I am struggling daily and teary almost all of the time as I grieve for my beautiful girl and still have so many questions. Why? It makes no sense and I still expect to see and hear from her everyday. I have so many questions and no answers.

To make things worse my son has moved back to London so on top of missing him terribly I am super concerned as he is a NHS professional in a hospital with many Covid19 patients. He also suffers from asthma and I am so scared of him getting sick.

My husband has tried so hard to keep my daughters business going to continue the Legacy she created, but now with new legislation he has had to temporally close her business too. Who knows if it will survive?

I feel isolated and so devastated. Will this ever get better?

Hi CaroW,

Thanks for reaching out again and seeking support, I know it isn't the easiest thing to do during difficult times like this.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's business, especially since so many businesses are suffering this way right now. Perhaps your support network could brainstorm some ideas to help it survive? Or we could do some online sleuthing as to how to help businesses survive or at at least stay afloat using online means during this time together?

It's tough with your son working at a hospital; know that you are not alone about worrying about your loved one who has to continue to provide health-related work, especially when they have vulnerabilities themselves. Are you staying in touch with him? We can find some trustworthy sources on what to do when you are vulnerable but have to continue working that you could possibly communicate to him?

In terms of isolation and disorientation with expecting to see her every day but not, perhaps a mental health professional could assist you with some coping strategies if you feel ok with reaching out for more help. You could check back here how it's going here? We could also navigate some helpful sources in the forums or the Beyond Blue website in general if you like? In times of hardship (personal and socially), advice and structured guidance from a professional can make all the difference.

Sending hugs. Check back here if you want too, we are here for you.

Warmest,
Tay100

Hi CaroW, I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Daughter. I send my condolonces, I can't imagine what you're going through. Please know that you did your very best, and she's in a better place now. I'm so sorry. Please be safe and take care of yourself, I know it's hard. Thinking of you and wishing you kind thoughts and best wishes, as much as possible in this hard time for you.

Tayla

Hi CaroW

I have no answers, I have no explanations for you ...it is so hard and I know how you are feeling. There are waves and there is a path that you do have to go down with this grief thing and one is the sudden realisation that your daughter is not going to be calling you or you are not going to be seeing her again. While your common sense knows this, the heart does not and it hurts when you do come to this realization that she will not be doing either. To be totally honest with you I don't think I have fully accepted that i will not be hearing from my brother either.....

I had a tough day yesterday and while I did read your message i was not in a position to help you. It was my brother's birthday yesterday and he would have been 20. We were to lay his ashes as a family and try to move through this grief process, although due to not being able to travel I was not able to be with my family and not able to be there while my father buried my brothers ashes. I do understand that they need to do this for their own mental health and for their healing process but it was so hard not to be there. I am feeling better today knowing that he is in his final resting place as he requested and now he is finally free...

There are so many things going on for you at the moment and I think trying to manage in small bites is easier than sometimes looking too far ahead. Please try not to role play the worst cases for your son. Front line workers are so well across what they need to do to stay safe and I know it is no help to you but he will be taking care of himself and mostly taking care of others, for which I thank him so very much for. Try to facetime him and stay connected, be there for each other.

I think maybe the world is kind of "on hold" at the moment until this virus passes. Maybe if you think of putting your daughters business "on hold" until this wave is over and also until you are a little stronger. You both don't need the extra stress while you are trying to heal. I am sure you feel enormous guilt for her business not thriving but at this time I don't think anyone's business is. Maybe take this time to catch a breath.

Keep talking and sharing , even if you want to purge some of the questions you have that you can't get answers for, I might be able to share some of my healing on them, at the very least you can get them out, if you like that is.

Please try to do something to make you feel good, it really does help even for a few minutes.

Sarah xxx

Thank you Sarah, your messages always make sense and make me feel a little better.

I am having an online counselling session on Thursday. It was organised as a face to face but now is via zoom. I’m hoping she will help me with some strategies.

Im so sorry about your brother. It’s so hard when we don’t have the answers we so desperately seek.

We so wanted to keep her business afloat. Something we actually thought we could do before this virus changed all of our lives.

thsnk you again x

Thank you Tay.

I really value and appreciate you responding to my post.

While we have a very supportive social group, the added pain of being isolated has meant contact has only been over FaceTime etc.

Often I just need a hug or someone to hear my tears.

2020 has been so horrible and we had so much hope for this new year.

i know others are struggling too and send my love x

Great to chat some more with you CaroW

I am so happy to hear that you are going to have a counselling session on Thursday, I hope with all my heart that you can get some peace from the session, I really found my session invaluable, I hope you too feel the same. I found that so I could get the best from my sessions I would write some dot points down beforehand as at the time sometimes being in a space of asking for help is foreign to us so we do freeze up and feel uncomfortable. Then to add the rawness of suicide and then the fact is has taken your daughter is alot to digest and then to have to talk openly about. But..welcome the chance to ask some of the questions and share the feelings you have, the more you can share and be open the better your session will be, well this was my experience CaroW, I am just wishing this for you too.

This year I agree was for me too supposed to be better, it has infact not proven to be so. However we have hope CaroW, we have love and support and we have hope. I truly believe that we are stronger than we know and between our grief, this bloody virus, people losing jobs and families with nothing, it will be ok, we will get through this and we will have so much more appreciation for life and for each other, I believe that.

Keep your husband close and keep taking to your son, keep connected and keep talking here. Together we will get through this time. You are doing so many things right CaroW, you are seeking help, you are talking here, you wont be the same CaroW you once were, you will miss your daughter every day of your life, BUT...there is still joy in each day, there are reasons to smile, there is still love...your eyes and heart will see and feel this again.

I am here with you, if only through words but my heart goes out to you and your family CaroW.

My support to you xxx

Sarah

Hi CaroW,

You are right- it is important to acknowledge that 2020 has been extra tough, so it's important to be extra compassionate towards ourselves in times of grief.

I know physical contact can be a huge relief in times like this and right now it's hard to do- should I look into other ways we can get the same or similar relief? Facetiming close people is a great start, there might be other solutions too.

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Tay100

Mother’s Day without my beautiful daughter is breaking my heart. We always spent the day together and she would always spoil me with her time and her gestures. I sit here wearing her clothes, and the earrings she gave me last Mother’s Day. I had coffee from the cup she gave me few years back and I wish so much she was with me today.

Life without her hurts and is empty. I know this is a safe place to share my pain.

thank you.

Hello CaroW

I can feel your pain in your post and know that today, but not unlike any other day really, is so painful for you. Mother's day is especially hard as you miss all the things that your beautiful daughter would have done for you to let you know she loved and appreciated you.

As I said to my step mother today, these are the times that you do remember how much your were loved by your daughter, the way she would have made you feel today, the gifts and this goes a great way to also knowing that she knew she was loved by you too. As you sit with the things you will deeply miss, these things too also show us the love coming back, that she knew how much she meant to you, that she adored and cared for you so much. That on this day it is like a mirror of all the love you gave her coming right back at you.

Sometimes it is times like today that almost act as a reminder of being kind to us, the ones that are left behind. That in your case your daughter and in mine my brother, that they knew that they were loved by us and meant the world to us, that this was not our fault and that given the chance we would have done anything on the day to change the outcome, we were not given that choice.

The fact you have so many beautiful things from her shows how much of a wonderful mother you were to her, she will live forever in your heart and in the fond fond memories you have.

Today was hard and my heartfelt hugs to you, I hope you can do something to have some joy and a smile today, she would want that for you I am sure.

Hugs

Sarah

Hi CaroW

Just wanted to pop in to say hello.

Everyday is mothers and Father’s Day.

May your memories be of her smile and your thoughts on her love for you

TonyWK

Hi CaroW

Firstly, you are right- this is a valid space to share your pain- we'll be here to listen, always. Whilst your pain is valid and can feel overwhelming, I'm glad to hear you spent Mother's Day remembering and celebrating her. We are with you all the way.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

Hi Carow,

It would be hard to celebrate any occasion losing someone so close to your heart. You must have had some wonderful times with your daughter to think so fondly of her and her special ways. I also had a close family member take their own life and it really is hard to understand how they could be so good at hiding their problems. What I have learned is that it is never anyone's fault when things go wrong, as most people say "if only I knew I would have done things differently' While grief can truly be a bittersweet experience, remembering the fond times and looking after yourself is much more rewarding than feeling bad and trying to understand why.

Take Care,

Anglo x