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Forums / Grief and loss / My Dad passed away recently. My Mum died a few years back. Struggling.

Topic: My Dad passed away recently. My Mum died a few years back. Struggling.

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. RainbowBubble
    RainbowBubble avatar
    2 posts
    10 February 2016
    My parents are both gone. I'm an adult with my own family but having lost both my parents while almost all my friends and cousins still have both parents and even Grandparents. I'm really struggling to get over the feeling of being completely and utterly left on my own. I do have a brother but we've never got along and I am finding it's one sided communication as I don't want to lose touch with him but it's as if I no longer exist at all. I feel as if I have no family and am trying to turn my attention to my husband and babies but it's unbelievably difficult to deal with all of this.
     
    The other thing is I feel so guilty as I'm in Australia and my Dad passed away back home in the UK. I didn't make it back in time and he passed away before I'd even got on the flight home. When we moved to Australia a year ago I promised we'd be back to visit him hopefully in 2 years for a holiday. Of course, I can't believe this has happened and I never did get to see him again. 
     
    Also, my Father's passing has opened up the old feelings of when Mum died suddenly. Now I miss her more than ever and it feels unbearable that they're both gone. My Mum was my best friend before she died and we'd only really bonded like friends over the few years before she died as I'd only just moved out of their house into my own place.
     
    Sorry, I'm rambling a lot. It just all came out when I started typing.
     
    I hope you understand as I've literally no one to talk to about this now. Everyone thinks I should be trying to move on and concentrate on my own little family. My husband is a bit fed up of me to be honest. I feel like a dark cloud in their lives just now.
     
    Thanks for reading. I hope someone understands.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to RainbowBubble

    Hi RB, welcome

    Yep, its tough alright.

    Try to use a spare 30 minutes a day at this stage to be alone, grieve, thinking of your dad and mum. Then bounce back into the household and family...switch off until the next days session.

    Write things down, I use poetry but any writing will do. Find other friends that might have lost a dad or mum. When you find someone that has reached out, then reach out to them too.

    Time....is the best healer. Tell your husband you need more time to heal and thank him for his patience. It isn't easy for him as he has no control over this situation hence his loss of endurance.

    For you today I've plucked out one of my poems I wrote to me dad after his passing in 1992. You'll also find many in the thread "poetry corner". Don't feel guilty over issues that you have no control over.

    DADS PRINT (to dad)


    Dad knew I’d try to follow
    where ever he went – in his footsteps
    through his pride and boyish whim
    I always tried to follow him

    And on Sundays a few hours spare
    I be his shadow for the day to care
    Boy behind his dad so tall
    He never minded, not at all

    Then as life cut so short
    I wish to follow as my last resort
    No wonder he used a broom to sweep
    To hide his stencilled footstep feet

    But now and then I see a print
    Where he’s been in the misty tint
    Like a ghostly outline of a soul
    I place my foot inside the hole


    Sadness follows in my inept
    It just something I must accept
    But I be eager the day my feet will greet
    My father’s footstep stencilled feet....



    2 people found this helpful
  3. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to RainbowBubble
    Dear R.B.  Tony has made some excellent suggestions, the poem is a great one too.  I think the hardest part for you is getting over the anger and guilt you have about not being there for your dad before he passed away.  Losing your mum would've been devastating, you and she had a special bond that will never really disappear.  Your parents do live on in your children.  We don't look on our parents as people in their own right.  They're just always going to be there, therefore when we lose them, it's hard to believe that they're still only people.  I'm not trying to make light of your grief, please don't think I am, but as your children grow, they will not see you and their father as just people, to them you're always going to be there.  When my dad died I actually dreamt about him every night for the first year.  I lost my mum at the same time, not through death, but because she chose to turn her back on me when dad died.  Have you thought about getting some grief counselling?  There are people who specialize in this type of counselling, who would help you deal with the anger you're feeling because you didn't get to say goodbye to your dad.  Anger is a very real part of grief and needs to be dealt with so you can get past that emotion.  Your hubby doesn't understand because he wasn't close to your mum and dad.  He's probably frustrated too because he doesn't know what to say, no-one ever knows what to say when someone they love is in pain like you are.  I don't know if your hubby knew your parents, but, even if he did, he wouldn't have known them the way you did.   Your pain and grief is very deep and personal.  Try writing to your mum and dad, telling them how much you love and miss them.  Keep a journal so you can write something every day, share with them about your kids and hubby.  As Tony said, take time out every day to remember them.   If you know their wedding anniversary, light a candle for them and say (to yourself and them, happy anniversary, I love you).  Think about the grief counselling too.  Same thing (candle) for their birthday.            
    2 people found this helpful
  4. RainbowBubble
    RainbowBubble avatar
    2 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to pipsy
    Thank you for your replies. My husband knew both my parents and my Mum was a very kind and loving person where Dad was more old fashioned and distant. Therefore, my husband wasn't as upset when my Dad died as he had taken ill and we'd not seen him (apart from Skype etc) since we left. That's why I've ended up here. I don't want to keep burdening him but I still need to talk things through. I can't afford any kind of counselling in real life as we're strapped for $ just now so I'm hoping talking here and reading other's experiences may help me.
     
    I didn't think of writing them a letter. I still "ask" Mum for advice on tricky situations (in my head) as I know what she'd say anyway which comforts me. When I don't know what she would say, I get very upset as I know I can never ask her the billion questions I wish I had but I was young and selfish then so never crossed my mind to find out about her life before kids, before Dad. I miss her terribly just now and my Dad but Mum is on my mind constantly.
  5. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11360 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to RainbowBubble

    Hi Rainbow

    Paul here...I just want to say my 'sincere' condolences for the loss of your dad....and of course the loss of your mum :-(

    I dont know what it feels like.....but I know cant be in the UK and Australia at the same time...not much help there Im sorry.

    You are not a 'burden here' .......I am happy that you still 'ask' your mum for advice....Your heart is exactly where it should be. White Knight & Pipsy both have very kind hearts....and are spot on with their sympathy and advice.

    I noticed your response and well done to you....That is a sign of inner strength and how much you cared for your dad and mum....

    My heart aches for what you are going through....I have yet to go through it....and have no idea of your pain :-(

    Kind thoughts

    Paul

  6. Kathryne
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kathryne avatar
    132 posts
    10 February 2016

    Hi Rainbow Bubble,

    I have both parents still living , however, my sister passed at 13 , 38 years ago., mother and father in law 10 and 12 years ago.     My sister and I were extremely close and I can say not a day goes by without a thought directly related to her. Not morbid just thoughts. Grief takes its own time to resolve. What is right for one person is not the same for another. My husband could not understand the depth of my grief, until he lost his mum.

    Maybe your brother just does not know how to handle his own grief, hang in there with the communication and maybe one day he will respond.

    my sympathy to you on your loss

    Kathryne

    I agree take time to your self to honour the relationship you had with your parents, Talk to your babies about their grandparents and fun things you did as a child.

  7. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to RainbowBubble
    Hi R.B.  Have you ever thought of building a family tree.  You said you don't know much about your mum and her life before she met your dad.  Perhaps contacting your cousins might help with your healing.  I presume you have cousins both on your dad's side as well as your mum's.  If you could get some information about your mum, it might help you know her more.  Not asking her questions when you were younger does not make you selfish, it makes you human.  As a child you were probably wrapped up in your own life.  As I said earlier, as children, we never think of our parents as 'people', to us, they're our parents, they're always going to be there, it's their 'job' if you like, for lack of another word.  That's not being selfish either, it's the way it's meant to be.  It's good you're able to talk to her in your mind, it shows what a close, loving relationship you had.  The more you can find out about her, the closer you will feel.   If you feel you do need some grief counselling, have you rung the BB helpline.  They have some excellent counsellors, or your G.P may be able to suggest something.  You need to talk openly about your feelings about your mum and dad.   That's a very important part of the healing process, and it will take time.  How much time, no-one knows.  Everyone grieves and heals differently.  Look at building a family tree, in your own time.         
  8. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    11 February 2016

    Hi there Rainbow Bubble (I’ve gotta say that I love your name – it conjures up beautiful images)

     

    Everyone says you should be moving on and doing the family thing and be getting over the loss of your parents.  Yes, that is such a common response.  Either from people who haven’t had any loss themselves or from people who have suffered loss, but are able to compartmentalize their grief and as such are able to continue on, if not as they once were, at least doing a very close impression of it.

     

    I sometimes have wished I was like that because I know it would have made me different and not so locked up with my own grieving.  I lost my closest brother in 1991;   my Dad passed away in 2007 and I lost my Mum in late 2014.

     

    I hear you so well when you said that with your Dad’s passing, it opened up the wounds and grief for your Mum.  It shows that the grief and heartache that you felt for your Mum was just below the surface and that it all just came back to you – and doubly so, as you lost your Dad in this time as well.

     

    You’ve received some really wonderful responses from other Beyond Blue community members and it was very pleasing to see you write back too.  Some really good suggestions have been put forward, but in order to do some of them, you’ll have to be at a place where you’re sort of a bit more settled with your grief before you may be able to do them.  Personally I know that it took me a number of years to do anything in regard to my Dad, as any time I tried, my grief was still too strong for me to take on a project relating to him.

     

    Basically what I’m trying to say is, we all grieve at different levels and for different time lengths and no-one can tell you when that time is over;  it’s a personal thing and at some stage in the future, you’ll come to know that time.  So for those people who’ve said to you in passing about it being time for you to get over it, if you do wish to respond back, just say something like:  “Thank you, but I’m not fully ready yet – I’m still missing XXX, it’s just very difficult, but I’m getting there.  Thank you for your concern”.   Now you may not wish to say that, I just thought I’d give it out.

     

    And please, know that you can write back here as often as you wish.  We’ll be here for you.

     

    Kind regards

     

    Neil

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