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Forums / Grief and loss / My Daughter

Topic: My Daughter

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Ajkeats
    Ajkeats avatar
    3 posts
    17 April 2020

    I lost my beautiful girl on Tuesday and not coping at all. She was 20 years old

    I can not handle the feelings I am going through, I hate what has happened in the world and we can’t even have a send off for her.

    I don’t know what to do and getting so angry and then breaking down crying

  2. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    17 April 2020 in reply to Ajkeats

    Hello Ajkeats

    Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your beautiful daughter, not only is it so very hard, but at this time when you cannot be with people for support, you cannot have a funeral for her that one would usually have, this is so much to manage on top of the overwhelming grief you are already experiencing.

    Grief is so very different for us all but I think one thing is common, is that it is a process. There are no rules and no guidelines on how to do it and what to expect and I think this is one of the hardest emotions to manage, as there are so many unknowns. I am still going through the motions, I lost my brother who was 19 in July. Perhaps if I can share a bit about my journey something in it might be helpful to you.

    I healed so much from being here on this forum, from sharing, from listening to others, by expressing how I was feeling and letting the support of this wonderful community help me. I also sought the support of a grief counsellor who was amazing and as my grief was to do with suicide she was able to support me through this and teach me so much that helped me understand..if that is the right word.

    I also wrote a journal, I purged on a page, blamed, said raw and hurtful things, but it was for no one to see, just me, but it felt awesome to get it out, some of it didn't even make sense but it was so helpful to get it all out. I hope too that you have someone with you at this time that you can lean on and fall apart with. Sometimes the shock prevents us from crying and letting the emotion out, but if you can, you cry and you yell and you do whatever it is you need to do to feel some peace, if that is possible.

    Doing something, no matter how small to make you feel some sort of peace, something that can make you smile or feel joy. You need to take care of you and make sure that you are kind to you. If people ask if they can help or what they can do to help, reach out, talk and even accept a meal, let your loved ones help you through this time.

    I am so beyond sorry and I have no idea how painful it would be to lose a child, I hope with my heart I never have to.

    I hope to chat to you some more.

    Huge hugs to you and my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

    Sarah xxx

  3. Ajkeats
    Ajkeats avatar
    3 posts
    18 April 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thanks Sarah, they are amazing words.

    My emotions are really messed up, it’s like I am in a dark hole and can not climb out.

    i have been reading a lot of this forum

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    18 April 2020 in reply to Ajkeats

    Hello Ajkeats

    I am so happy to hear from you again, I am so sorry that you feel the pain of a big black hole that you are not able to climb out of, it does pass, please keep reading here, hearing other's stories of pain and grief and how in time, things will be different. I dont believe in the saying that time heals all wounds, I have come to see that in time, life is just different. I will carry my brother in my heart and my memories everyday, some days are harder than others, time just makes it different. I can laugh, I can remember the good times and smile and laugh. There were good times and just because he took his life does not mean his life was full of pain, he did have good times too and I have to remember this.

    You will climb out Ajkeats, in your own time and when you are ready. It is ok to sit with the pain, to feel sad, to cry to isolate and not accept conversation and want to be alone, just please dont set up camp there. You still do deserve to live and death unfortunately is part of life. Happiness and joy will be part of your life again and you must not feel bad about either, you are allowed to laugh and smile, just as you are allowed to cry and feel defeated. As I said, this thing called grief is a process and unfortunately it takes time too.

    One day I woke up, and it was literally just one day, and I actually had no tears left to cry, I had a shower and I got dressed, I remember this day, it was the day that the pain and I made friends. I accepted it was always going to be there, but together we could live happily, I look forward to that day for you too.

    Keep reading, keep chatting, keep doing whatever is working for you, we are here, to sit with you, to put a virtual arm around you and to wipe your tears.

    I hope you can find a smile today.

    Huge hugs


  5. Ajkeats
    Ajkeats avatar
    3 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Aaronsis
    I have failed her, she should be here and not me. I wasn’t the perfect person but I tried to give her the dreams she wanted
  6. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Ajkeats

    Hello Ajkeats

    I am so pleased you have reached out here this morning when I can hear that you are feeling so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. Grief and managing with daily life is really difficult when you have a loved one passed away, it really is so hard and I understand with all my heart the guilt that you are feeling.

    I don't know the circumstances of how it came that you lost your beautiful daughter, can I say though that I too had tremendous guilt and feelings too that I had failed my brother, I can really empathize with those horrible feelings also. I lost my brother to suicide so the feeling that we were not there for his as a family, that I had failed him as a sister, that he didn't know he was loved, that he must have hated us so much, the pain and dispare that he must have been living with was overwhelming, how did we not see this, what did we miss.....I could go on for an eternity with all the feelings of how I felt that we had failed him...however, through the grief counselling I learnt so very much about suicide and mental ill health and came here to chat, I learnt so very much, and came to learn one very important thing, actually from another person who had a failed suicide attempt, that no matter what we did on that day, we could not have changed the outcome, that my brother was fighting thoughts in his head he believed to be reality and no one could have convinced him otherwise at that time. He did however have days of happiness, we have to remember that, he did know he was loved, he did love us, dying by suicide is mostly nothing to do with the external factors in life, but the fight with ones own thoughts and feelings, that at a time of ill health they take control.

    I am happy to chat to you as much as you need if you wanted to share the way in which you lost your beautiful daughter, I am here to listen, and share as much as you feel comfortable to.

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so much guilt Ajkeats, can I suggest though that this is the pain talking, that you are not at fault here, that your daughter loved you and knew she was loved, that is all we can do in life. Illnesses take our loved ones away.

    Huge hugs to you

    Be kind to you

    Sarah xx

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6842 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Ajkeats
    Hi Ajkeats,

    We are so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. We can hear how painful this must be to go through. But please know that you are not alone in this, and our community is here to listen, and help support you through this. As Sarah has mentioned, if you feel comfortable, grief support might be helpful in helping to work through these feelings. Whenever you feel up to it, you might like to get in touch with GriefLine who are available from midday-3am on 1300 845 745 or you can visit their website at:
    You are also always welcome to get in touch with our Support Service, which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 to talk through these feelings with one of our counsellors. 
    We hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready. 

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