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Forums / Grief and loss / time doesnt heal my grief

Topic: time doesnt heal my grief

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. fishes
    fishes avatar
    6 posts
    23 January 2016
    hi everyone I am new here .three and a half years ago I lost my husband and cant seem to move on. I have tried and even at times seemed to be on the right track. Then a problem would come up ,the house or extra bills and I panic and miss him so much. He was my rock for thirty years and looked after me when my epilepsy turned me into a vegetable. Bought me back to life again. made the decisions and sheltered me from all the worries. now I am alone and lonely and feel I have nowhere to turn. my local GP is run off his feet and doesn't even look at you ,let alone invite confidences. the nearest other clinic is 50kms. I cant make friends and my family are all living away. some days when I have no reason to leave the house I just stay in bed and read. I even joined the local mental health group ,we don't even that was a waste of time. Ended up at the pokies just to get out of the house and they became a big it was a call to lifeline and self barring .only way to stop that. Trouble is I am even more isolated now. am I just feeling selfpity? or am I heading for something much worse?
  2. Starwolf
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    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    23 January 2016 in reply to fishes

    Hello fishes,

    Losing someone who sheltered you from the nitty gritty of life is terribly difficult. Learning to reclaim a sense of ownership of one's  life seems a daunting task.

    You ask where you're heading....all of us are aimed for the same tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel. However, the journey is more important than the destination. Baby steps are the way to go, so does being kind to yourself, not setting yourself unattainable goals. This would only play havoc with your self confidence and create a sense of despair. Please don't forget to celebrate every tiny victory. With persistence, these will accumulate and grow into more significant achievements. Learning -no matter what- is always a slow process at first, then it gradually becomes easier until it becomes matter of fact. The human brain takes a while to rewire itself and accommodate new patterns of behavior.

    You're already on your way, reaching out and looking for help....even if help hasn't always been forthcoming. Not every door we try will open. Perhaps the next one will. Or the one after that.

    You are not alone. Many of us are working hard at embracing our own demons and coaxing them to work with instead of against us.

    You have lost a love and your main source of support. A sense of helplessness slows recovery from grief. Gradually becoming used to making your own decisions will help the grieving process to move beyond stagnation. Of course they may not always be the right decisions but there's nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as we learn not to go there again.

     Love, hugs and best wishes.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Zeal
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    Zeal avatar
    1737 posts
    23 January 2016 in reply to fishes

    Hi Fishes,

    Welcome to the forum!

    I'm sorry to hear about your husband. The thirty years you shared together shows the closeness and dedication you had as a couple. If you don't mind me asking, do you still have epilepsy/take medication for it? Are you content to live alone? As you don't have friends and family where you live (and you haven't mentioned a job), could you move to where you can be with family? I realise that this may not be practical, financially or otherwise. This is something you probably have already considered, but I thought I'd ask the question. You deserve to have social and emotional support. Perhaps you could regularly call a family member who you are closest to, or even phone an old family friend and try to reconnect.

    Keep talking on the forum. You may get some good ideas from others, particularly those who live in more isolated areas and have found ways to connect with others.

    Best wishes,


  4. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15566 posts
    24 January 2016 in reply to fishes
    dear Fishes, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your husband, because being married for 30 years is something to be proud
    of, and when you lose the love of your life, your rock and your inspiration it seems as though the hole left can not
    be filled, but what it does is that it leaves a permanent space in your heart, one that you carry everywhere you go,
    so he's always with you, so you can still talk with him, ask him for advice, because after 30 years you would know
    exactly what he would think, because your married has been formed around both your ideas and that's why you are today.
    Having epilepsy can come at any notice, without even knowing, as I also have epilepsy, generalized tonic clonic,
    but medication has it
    under control, but the high dosage I have to take make me very tired which is always a problem.
    Can I ask you a couple of questions and please only answer if you want to; what type of epilepsy do you have,
    and was it generic or caused by an accident, and what is it that you say 'seemed to be on the right track'. Geoff. x

  5. fishes
    fishes avatar
    6 posts
    24 January 2016 in reply to Zeal
    thank you for your reply,i  did put my house on the market and tried to sell .the offers were too low and would have left me with nothing after the mortgage was for my epilepsy its well controlled and I drive .but I have to make sure I don't get overtired or too stressed. I work maybe two days a week as a cleaner, its repetitive and I don't have any trouble doing that sort of work. Unfortunately my meds mess with my memory .repress the triggers for the seizure's but leave me feeling stupid at times when I cant recall names ect.. my family have all got their own problems and don't want mine. my husband and I were happy to be alone together ,sadly that left no close friends to turn to.silly really ,we should have been more social.
  6. fishes
    fishes avatar
    6 posts
    24 January 2016 in reply to geoff
    hi Geoff thanks for your reply,my epilepsy started when I was 40 .we were driving trucks in America and on the road 24/7. having a wonderful life and on the go nonstop. next thing I knew I would be wandering around lost in a truck stop ? didn't know what slowly got worse,then my husband developed heart problem's and we came home. I had massive seizure's and was gone for around two years.didnt know who what or why? it was the scariest time of my life. getting the meds right took a long time. Not even sure what its called just glad I had my best friend to save me and bring me back. I ended up on DSP and work a couple of days a week as a cleaner,only thing I am good for. so missing him is like a big chunk of me has been cut away and I am frightened that if I have seizure's like that again I will never recover. Selfish? yes,he was my rock. I never miss my meds and always put them on the table where I can see them morning and night.just writing this down is a big help.thanks.
  7. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15566 posts
    25 January 2016 in reply to fishes
    dear Fishes, I certainly know how you feel after having a seizure, because my last one was about 14 years ago was
    as I didn't know where I was, but admitted to hospital, didn't know who was Prime Minister or what had happened.
    Aparently my medication wasn't strong enough and after having a blood test I was put on a massive dose of anti-epiletic
    medication which did zonk me out until my body adjusted to it.
    I have regular blood tests just to see that the levels of medication are OK, and I'm sure that your doctor does the
    same with you.
    General Tonic is the worst type of epilepsy which I have and from what you have said you may have this as well.
    Mine was caused by an assault from some bikies back in '83 in a hotel my wife (ex) and I were managing, but they did
    it from behind.
    They were caught and fined $2000 but the damage it has done for me over all these years has been enormous.
    I was sacked from my position and at that time my wife had left me taking our two sons, she did come back but divorced
    me around '2001 or something around that date.
    My sympathy goes out to you so much. Geoff. x
  8. fishes
    fishes avatar
    6 posts
    25 January 2016 in reply to geoff
    Geoff,epilesy is frightening and to have it all your life is one thing but to be assaulted and end up with it is no joke.i find people who treat me like an idiot, yet others who have compassion. I am very lucky to be working for a couple who give me plenty of space.dont push me when I get too tired .I try to go the extra mile to do my job .getting older and alone with no-one to turn to has me worried about my mental health. opening up to GP is impossible here in this small doctor for whole district ,he is flat out with real sick people.i do have regular blood tests and feel responsible  for my own health. our small mental health group is struggling to stay in this small community wants it known they come to the meetings. Sadly there are a lot who would benefit .we have no trained counsellor just a few lost souls getting together once a month and not talking much.why are people so afraid of the mind? it hurts ,it feels pain just like a broken limb ,just cant see it .
  9. Neil_1
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    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    28 January 2016

    Hi there Fishes


    I too would like to extend my sympathies to you for the loss of your husband.


    It is really pleasing to read that just by writing this down, it has helped you.  That is something does happen on this site a lot – the actual part of writing things down, can actually be a little therapeutic, so you can see the words on the page and that they are no longer, just round and around in your head.


    That also sounds very good with regard to your work colleagues, who are able to give you space.


    I would like to pull you up a little with your comment about your GP – that he is just so flat out with sick people.  Fishes, you are also in a bad way and should not be detracting from that at all – you are struggling and your concerns are as real, if not more real, than anyone else’s – so you have every right to get your appointments with your GP.


    I think people don’t tend to open up, as they are shy about their illness and also feel as though they’ll be judged for what and how they are feeling.  I also think that’s why these forums are so popular, because people tend to realise very quickly, that you can pick up advice and guidance from here, whilst being listened to, supported and never ever is there any judgement placed on any one on this site.


    Sorry, I’ve waffled on a bit – but would really love to hear back from you.



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