My husband and I started trying for a baby this year and I sadly had a miscarriage in March. I was only about 5-6 weeks but it was the most heart breaking thing I have ever been through. It left me feeling like such a failure. I’m a woman! This is what I am made for! I am lucky enough to have a good psychologist that I see monthly To help manage my anxiety.

We were surprised when I fell pregnant again so quickly in May. We were both over the moon! I was so nervous and wouldn’t let myself get excited because I was dreading the same thing would happen if I got excited. Sadly it did :( I had a miscarriage on the weekend. That feeling of devastation and grief hit us both like a tonne of bricks. I feel so empty and so worthless.

Until I experienced my first miscarriage, I didn’t realize how common it is. Because no one talks about it. I’ve now found numerous family members and friends have had miscarriages. It gives a tiny bit of comfort knowing I’m not alone.

We are going to give ourselves a bit more time to deal with it all this time. I’m petrified of even thinking about trying again. I don’t know how many times I can go through this :(

How devastating, there are no words.

I’m glad you posted as it really helps to connect in a space where you can say how you feel and support is available

Be gentle and kind to yourself. The grief doesn’t go away, you just get better living alongside it.

MrsEM

I am so sorry for your loss and acknowledge the grief you are both feeling. A close family member had two miscarriages in several months last year and too was surprised how frequent it happens but how few people talk about it.

She found comfort and information in an organisation called pink elephants.

www.pinkelephants.org.au

It offers support from women who have experienced miscarriages.

Also sometimes the husband feels left out as he is grieving too but people focus on the woman.

I think giving yourself time to process your feelings is a good idea.

If you look at the pink elephants website and you want to discuss things , I will be here listening.

Thanks so much for writing your post because it will help other women and couples who may have felt they were alone.

Hi MrsEM

(wave to Quirky)

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Yes, it is hard time for both you and your husband. Unfortunately it isn't a topic of conversation. There are loads of unsaid words that come with it - e.g. your not a successful woman, what did you do to cause it. All these are so wrong and it would be good to get the conversations going. In all I had 9 pregnancies, with these 1 premature birth at 25 weeks and 1 still birth at 26 weeks. Each one was so heart breaking, the pain I felt was so ..... I can't find the words to describe it. Hubby and I couldn't take the anguish anymore and made the decision to stop trying. We talked it through with a psychologist. Then hubby went for a vasectomy. I couldn't face going into a hospital - it made me cringe. That was 30 odd years ago now. Our lives have been full without children. It doesn't stop us from celebrating our daughter's birthday each year - she would have been 39 this year.

The pain probably never goes away, but it's power and ferocity has decreased overtime as we've learnt to acknowledge and accept our circumstances.

Hi MrsEM, 

We are so glad that you have reached out here for support. We think that you are incredibly brave to share your story and we want to thank you for your courage. We want to say how powerful your post could be for someone else who is going through a similiar experience that maybe isn't ready to talk about their own story. 

We can see you've had some great support from the community, thank you everyone who has posted already. 

We wanted to drop in and say that you can always call us on the phoneline if you are feeling like you need to talk to someone. You can call us on 1300 22 4636 at anytime and an expert will be able to talk to you and help you to find support. 

Thank you again for your courage - it is really inspiring, please feel free to drop back in and update on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

 

Dear Mrs. EM,

My heart goes out to you, I offer you deepest sympathy for the loss of your babies. As you mentioned, miscarriages are not often talked about openly.

I hope you are able to find ways to express how you are feeling, to feel acknowledged and cared for in all of this, your husband as well.

It may help to contact a support service for some ideas on how to live with your grief.

It may help for you to name your babies, that helped me.

I bought roses and put them in the garden as a memory to my children who did not live.

You mentioned feeling empty and worthless. Oh how those words so resonate with my own experiences. You are not worthless! Something out of your control has happened to you.

It is so hard to understand why pregnancy losses happen, they do.

I really wish I had some wise words to share with you. Sending you thoughts of understanding.

Regards to you from Dools

Thank you so much for the recommendation of pink elephant I have found myself on their website and their Instagram a lot over the last week. Good to know I am not alone on this rollercoaster

Thank you all for your replies. It’s been a very emotional week for us. Today for the first time in my life I have found myself feeling so depressed about it all. So many things running through my mind.. will it ever happen for us, why did it happen to us twice, why do all these people who don’t want kids or go on to abuse their kids manage to have successful pregnancies but we haven’t.

Everything feels like an effort all of a sudden. I’ve stopped exercising, am eating whatever I want whenever I want. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, I dread going to work. The days feel so long at the moment. I am trying to be positive and think positive but I am really struggling. I medicate with food to comfort myself but then hate myself when I look in the mirror. It’s a vicious cycle.

I originally stumbled across beyond blue during the height of my anxiety 4 years ago. Desperately seeking answers and struggling with symptoms. My worst to date has been heart palpitations. They have controlled my life for the last 4 years. They absolutely scare the living daylights out of me. I have gone through periods over the years where they are intense then they go away for some time. Sadly they are back at the moment and back with a vengeance.

I took 3 days off work last week to give myself time to deal with what was going on but I am back at work this week. I wish I could have more time off to process what is going on and give myself time to grieve and heal but sadly I have bills to pay and must work. I have to drag myself out of bed each morning.

Any help or recommendations would be greatly appreciated

Dear MrsEM,

I would like to start by expressing my deep sorrow, that you have also experienced such a devastating loss.

Reading your most recent post I feel a sense of kinship with you. Everything you have expressed is something that I too am struggling with. Heart palpitations, nausea, nightmares, a constant feeling of impending doom... Stress eating and hating myself for it...constantly questioning if I could have done something differently.

Unfortunately I don't know yet myself what helps when the anxiety and depression and grief reaches the point that you have constant physiological symptoms. Perhaps we can figure it out together.

I'm lucky enough to still have 2 living daughters from my previous relationship, and my 3rd baby boy with my husband, but I'm no stranger to child loss.

My first loss was my 4th child, he was my 2nd born son and was stillborn at 23 weeks. My body failed him and to this day I don't know what went wrong and not knowing is torture.

6 months after he was born my husband and I started trying again. Over the course of a year I had 5 miscarriages. Each one harder then the last.

I finally conceived again and got passed the 1st trimester. It was during that pregnancy when my 1st son who was born with a severe heart defect passed away a month before his 3rd birthday. I held him as the doctors turned off the ECMO and dialysis and respirator machines. He was already gone, his brain was dead but as I felt his heart stop, all my hopes that he would defy the odds and keep breathing and wake up were crushed and as my soul shattered half of who I am died with him.

I kept it together for my 3rd son who I was pregnant with at the time and I still keep going for him and my daughters.

I believe that we both can get through this somehow. We never forget the losses we never forget our children. I just hope one day we can learn to be happy again.

I hope one day you will Be blessed with a healthy child.

Sending hugs from one angel mamma to another.