I would like to start by expressing my deep sorrow, that you have also experienced such a devastating loss.
Reading your most recent post I feel a sense of kinship with you. Everything you have expressed is something that I too am struggling with. Heart palpitations, nausea, nightmares, a constant feeling of impending doom... Stress eating and hating myself for it...constantly questioning if I could have done something differently.
Unfortunately I don't know yet myself what helps when the anxiety and depression and grief reaches the point that you have constant physiological symptoms. Perhaps we can figure it out together.
I'm lucky enough to still have 2 living daughters from my previous relationship, and my 3rd baby boy with my husband, but I'm no stranger to child loss.
My first loss was my 4th child, he was my 2nd born son and was stillborn at 23 weeks. My body failed him and to this day I don't know what went wrong and not knowing is torture.
6 months after he was born my husband and I started trying again. Over the course of a year I had 5 miscarriages. Each one harder then the last.
I finally conceived again and got passed the 1st trimester. It was during that pregnancy when my 1st son who was born with a severe heart defect passed away a month before his 3rd birthday. I held him as the doctors turned off the ECMO and dialysis and respirator machines. He was already gone, his brain was dead but as I felt his heart stop, all my hopes that he would defy the odds and keep breathing and wake up were crushed and as my soul shattered half of who I am died with him.
I kept it together for my 3rd son who I was pregnant with at the time and I still keep going for him and my daughters.
I believe that we both can get through this somehow. We never forget the losses we never forget our children. I just hope one day we can learn to be happy again.
I hope one day you will Be blessed with a healthy child.
Sending hugs from one angel mamma to another.