Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Ggrand,

    Sorry to hear that you are not coping ATM, It is really good that you recognise your feelings and also be able to what they are.

    I am worried for you and would like you to be with a friend or if possible stay with one of your sons for a bit of respite,just to have someone near can be very comforting.

    Have a think maybe it would be a good idea if you had your GP/ physic talk to your son and explain what happening with you.

    Thinking of you,try and get outside.

    Dory.xo

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    When we go to a place if extremes, then we eventually return to near normal...only then do we acknowledge how far our emotions were out of whack.

    Getting treatment will bring you back to a calmer person with things in perspective and you wont be worrying about things you have no control over.

    Then your mind will have more room in it to just provide more love to others. ...

    Tony WK

  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    I am glad you are getting help.

    Tony has insight and helpful advice.

    We are all on your side encouraging you on.

    You are taking baby steps, getting help, reaching out, so I can see you going from strength to strength. You will have not so good days but overall you have c in your life and what a joy that will be including him in your family.

    My partner said meeting his brothers from his birth family meant so much to him.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    2 October 2017

    Hi and thank you for your kind words

    C has confused me so much he sent a msg yesterday and called me mum.

    Why?

    I never gave him his bottle, changed his nappy, fixed a grazed knee, reassured him, didn't take him to school on his first day, didn't help with his homework, I wasn't there to help guide him or raise him in anyway. I wasn't a mum to him.

    Being called mum by c is a privilege I don't deserve..

    Sure I gave birth to him but it all stopped there..I thought about him on a daily basis. Cried on his birthdays.. but crap I don't like me.

    I can't stop my mind from always thinking. This has consumed my mind my thoughts everyday and it won't stop.

  5. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Morning,

    So,you said Sure I gave birth to him,but it all stopped there.

    You just gave birth to him again. So enjoy it from here,cause it is a new life now.

    Embrace it,

    Dory😘

    1 person found this helpful
  6. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    Of course you deserve to be called mum. That would mean so much to c. You have taken responsibility for your past and now you need to enjoy your present and make plans for the future.

    c wants you in his life, that is a wonderful opportunity for you both.

    Can you replace your sad memories with some happy ones now you have met c and he wants to call you mum.?

    Hugs

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  7. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Karen,

    On this occasion think only of c.

    Think about the fact that he has waited decades to call his real mother "mum". Think that he might be so greatly compassionate about the pain you have gone through. Think about his desire to not be concerned about any complexity of having two mums. Think about his relationship with his adopted mum isnt as close as you might think.

    Think about c's needs and desires. Only your sons wishes. Your worth is judged by his love and care not by your belief and guilt.

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Dory and Quirky.

    I read your words, with what I know I should be feeling/doing.

    I always prayed that we would make contact and have a relationship. I dreamed of that day for so many years and when it finally came I have to be suffering mh problems.

    Quirky I am trying to did deep into my mind looking for happy memories. I think back through many years, but I have been walking on egg shells my entire life.

    I think back, and I held myself together in a abused and violent childhood and marriage I survived it.i honestly thought I wouldn't.

    I seem to have gone from a person that could take a beating verbally or physical to someone who is so scared of everyone that she just wants to stay inside and not make any changes to her safe little world.

    I am trying to find that person again but she is hiding herself to deeply and out of reach at the moment..

    I am so sorry I must be burden to you all. Without your support and caring I would have no one to reach out to.

    Thank you so very much for being here.

    S

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to white knight

    Dear White Knight

    You made me realize something about myself today.

    Words can be powerful put in the right order.

    I need some time and maybe some courage to let you know and I need to word it right.

    Thank you.

    Karen.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    words can be powerful put in the right order- that is so true,

    You are powerful and you can enjoy your future getting to know c and seeing your 3 sons get to know each other, You will meet your new grandchildren,

    All this future is yours, and it may take some time but you are brave and strong and you will get there,

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2485 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    You mentioned feeling you don't deserve to be called mum. One of the characteristics of motherly love is the willingness to do whatever you can to ensure your child's wellbeing even at cost to yourself. For most of us we get the chance to provide the physical & emotional care for our children directly. In your case you gave your son up for adoption at huge emotional cost to yourself so that he could have the decent life you couldn't provide at the time. That is a real example of true motherly love. Hopefully now you have met he can now appreciate the sacrifice you made for him & you can both enjoy your new relationship You both deserve it
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    3 October 2017

    I am me now.

    That strong, courageous, person the rock for my boys, the yes person that I had to be for hubby, the person who couldn't show anything but happiness towards her hubby the person that wasn't allowed to and couldn't say no..

    That part of me got buried with hubby. They were not me, those were my defensive meganisms. They are gone I can't find them anymore.

    I had a glimpse of them when I read white Knights reply. I really thought I found them but I couldn't find them they are gone.

    a & c have seen me a broken person on a few accasions but they were young and it made them cry. I promised myself they would never see me like that again. and they haven't. And they won't.

    I have decided to walk away from all 3 of them. They have each other to support and love.

    Until I can find that person deep inside of me I will leave them alone. They all have families to care for and look after that is a hard job to do at anytime without the worries of a mum who can't think straight or who can't be happy around them or her grandchildren.

    At the moment I am pleased I live over 300 klms from all of them it means they can't just drop in for a visit.

    I love so deeply ab & c this is why I have come to this decision. They are my first priority, they have each other.

    When and if i can ever get better, ever get rid of this depression anxiety and the worse of all the guilt then to me i can be with them and share there happiness..

    Its not about me it's about them. I cannot be selfish and ruin their lives by my emotions they had a childhood no child should have and if they were to see me the way I am they might start having flashbacks as i do. I don't want that to happen to them..

    I

  13. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    3 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    I understand very much of what you are saying, I have been there many a time.

    If I was ab or c, I would be very upset,angry,confused if I wasn't aware of you being so low,depressed,and feeling like you do.

    I think they have the right to know you are suffering!

    You deserve a life too.

    Dory

    1 person found this helpful
  14. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    3 October 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hi Ggrand

    Oddly enough most of us understand you. We connect with your guilt, sorrow, flashbacks, depression ,abuse and so on. This is why you are still posting here.

    Your decision to withdraw from your sons is hard for anyone to swallow but I understand.

    For those in your world without depression like abc we know they arent likely to understand if you went into detail about it. But, to not let them know is not allowing them the opportunity to know the truth. They might feel rejected and one son has felt that enough through no fault of yours

    What I suggest is to get professional help in the least enough help to hone your communication abilities. Carefully worded letters to your sons could be a gift to their confusion of their mum. Can I give you an example?

    To my dear sons.

    All three of you have been a big part of my heart. I love you all. I have, due to many reasons in the past ended up with depresssion and severe guilt issues. Its too complex for most people to fathom and it has serious implications for me in terms of my relationships including yourselves. What is important to me is that your relationship with each other continues and grows. I may not however have the capacity to contribute towards your lives to the extent that a devoted mother would normally want but I'd love to if I could. If you ever feel I'm being evasive or distant, these are the reasons. All my love mum.

    So if you are not getting professional help now please consider it. A counselor could help you.

    Regards Tony WK

    3 people found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    3 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    I can see where you are coming from.

    I agree with Dory, at least inform your sons what you are doing and why otherwise c may think he is being rejected and a and b will worry what they have done .

    You don't have to go into all the emotional detail just that you love them but you need to take time for yourself- you will know the right words.

    This is your decision but you may be surprised how understanding your sons will be.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    5 October 2017

    Hello and thank you all for all your support and suggestions

    I'm thinking about your latest replies..and I thought and still am thinking about it all and fully understand what your all saying.

    I am trying...It's hard I just want my boys to be happy.

    I just feel so lost and confused at the moment.

    I don't like feeling this way at all it sux.

    I know there has to be a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel and I'm looking for it. One day soon i hope I will find that light then hopefully I can fix any damage I've done to anyone.

    Karen

    1 person found this helpful
  17. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    5 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen

    Re:I know there has to be a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel

    please google

    Topic: what life's like at the end of the tunnel- beyondblue

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    6 October 2017

    Hello and thank you White Knight, I have read what you suggested.

    Dory, Quirkywords and White Knight You are all so right. It would be so wrong not to tell them how low I'm feeling. when I read everything you said I reread my previous post I cried. How could I throw away my kids like that..I'm ashamed of that post and I am very sorry, and wish I could erase it. Just so low when I wrote it.

    I rang my younger brother and told him everything because he didn't know of c's existence either. He said he will be over mid next week to speak to me. I haven't seen him since mums funeral (2 years ago). He lives 8 hours drive away. He has rang a&b and asked them to come down to mine for a visit next week end, so I can tell them with him being here to support me and see i carry it through. I will speak to c on another time I want him to know me firstly without this illness with new meds and counciling I'm hoping that by the time he visits me in December I will be starting to heal enough for me to be able to talk to him.

    I have been answering a b & c messages but still haven't spoken to them as yet.

    I will be doing one of the hardest things I will ever have to do next weekend. I made a promise many years ago to myself about not letting my boys see me so vulnerable and sad but you are all right and they need to know.

    Karen.

  19. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    6 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand

    Im so glad. Some time ago I said to you "I wish I had a mum like you"

    .....I still do

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  20. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    6 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    No need to be sorry you were hurting.

    I am pleased you are strong enough to change your previous thinking.

    Thanks so much for letting us know how you are going. I am glad your brother will visit and you told me.

    You are a strong, brave and kin woman who is a great model to her children.

    Quirky

  21. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    7 October 2017 in reply to quirkywords
    Thank you so much for your kind words White Knight and Quirkywords they really mean a lot to me I'm trying to be strong
    1 person found this helpful
  22. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    8 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Wow I am so happy to read your very positive post. I'm so proud of you, you are trying so hard and that is what will pull you out of this terrible place you are in.

    I am gob smacked, I am so overwhelmed you took it into your own and contacted your brother.

    Ask away at anything you are struggling with,

    you have friends here

    Dory, I could squeeze you to pieces,💐

  23. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    I could squeeze you too Dory but then you'll be a fish cake!

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to Guest_128
    Thanks Dory I really do need a hug right now.
  25. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    Sending you a big comforting reassuring hug.

    I am so proud of you for all the steps you are taking.

    Please be even a little bit proud of yourself.

    You have done huge things and I know it is scary.

    By your honesty, strength and compassion you have reached out and touched our hearts.

    We are your support team.

    More hugs and kind thoughts,

    Quirky.

  26. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Thank you all so very much without your help i dont even want to think about what I would have done.the closer Wednesday is getting the more anxious I'm getting. Guilt kept me away from younger brother for many many years as i blame myself for not protecting him better from older brother. Yeah it will be hard and scarey on Wednesday trying not to think about it practice mindfulness as much as I can to stop thoughts but well brains to chatty to succeed at that.

  27. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Dory Quirky and WhiteKnight I just need to let you know that after reading your last posts I did for a minute or so feel a little quietness come to me and it felt good, until it dissapeared . Thank you don't seem enough.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    12 October 2017
    Cried a million tears tonight. My brother hasn't turned up . Devestated crushed defeated I really don't know how I feel but it's not good. seems all my decisions wrong.
  29. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14343 posts
    12 October 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    So sorry you are feeling so low. Did you brother tell you why he was delayed?

    Your decisions are not wrong.People change their plans all the time. Let us know what happened when you find out.

    You have a come a long way, don't let self doubt upset you now.

    Give him a call if he has not already contacted you.

    Sending you a reassuring hug.

    Quirky

  30. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    14 October 2017

    Hi..

    My brother never turned up he rang me and said he wanted to so much but said it would be to painful for us both due to what we both had to endure when growing up. Im totally crushed but i do understand why, he was the one that found me, i still can't talk about that.. This is so bad how am I going to explain my mh problems with them on my own for goodness sake I'm not that smart or strong where and how do I start i dont know im just so dumb at conversation even with my own children how not normal is that.. I'm worried that they might see me as toxic to them and drop me from their lives because for 4 years they had peace from their dad and got on with their own lives and all this has brought him back into their thoughts and my mh sickness will keep him in their thought because when they see or hear me down they will remember. I'm stuck in a bricked in cube I feel so trapped and alone..Can I hide my problems from them can i pretend to be "normal" when i see them or speak to them i mean i dont see them that often as the distance we live apart. I don't know but I think it's worth a shot i don't know my mind is confused again I love them so much i need to protect them they need to live peacefully minded lives.. my head feels so heavy there's just to much going on inside it.. i love my son's I want to do what's right by them. They have a life time ahead of them. They don't need any.more crap from the past interrupting their lives now.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up