GG

I know you ill be busy this weekend with your son c and his children but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and trust it will be a great and relaxing visit,

I am so proud of you.

Quirky

Ggrand

I just wanted to know how you are and how the weekend went. No pressure just when you feel up to it.

kind thoughts

Quirky

Hi Quirky.

I tried , really tried, but I am a complete failure at everything I do. Not feeling good about me, ( stopping myself from saying how I really feel about me). First hour or so I managed to hide my anxiety, fear, shame, guilt and depression, then darn it I crawled back inside myself again and so many times uncomfortable silence, I knew what I wanted to say/ask but I froze and my mind just shut down. They left a day earlier then planned, I should never have acknowledged that birth certificate he msg through fb. What was I thinking anyway that I could right a wrong. Doesn't work that way ever. My relationships with all three of my sons now is so strained. When I stuff something up I really do a top job of it. So bloody angry with myself. Why do I feel such fear around people? I never used to.

GG.

GG

I want to give you a big hug.

Was there something you liked about the visit, I understand you felt it did not go well.

People often change their plans and leave earlier.

I am sure c is glad he has met you and met his brothers.

My partner was so glad to discover his birth family.

How is your relationship with your sons strained? Are you still communicating with them. Did c say anything to you when he left?

Was it good to get to know your grandchildren.?

Do you think your son and family noticed your anxiety and fear?

Sorry for all the questions.

I am so proud you had your son to visit . The first time is usually the hardest.

Give yourself credit for hosting your son and his family no matter how comfortable you felt, you did it. So well done.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

Hello Quirky,

Its okay about questions I need to get it out

I used to get msgs or phone calls daily usually around 3 even more times a day. Haven't heard from A in over 2 months since BBQ ....B he occasionally ( rarely) msgs. I haven't seen either of them since the BBQ..(which is definitely not like b).

C said before he left that he might come back with his new wife and baby daughter one day. (Not very convincingly)

the 3 grandchildren I met are from his first marriage, they were referring to me as she when I heard them talking together I was introduced as nan, we did interacted a little,

I tried to hide it (mh) from him, I didn't want to scare him away (looks like I scared b away). Still haven't told A as yet.

Now I'm feeling at a loss what to do. I don't want this to continue the way it is, A & B are over the quick honeymoon period and are not keeping in contact with C. C told me no msgs or phone calls have been returned by them.

Not knowing how to fix this is really making things worse for me.

Kindness only to you Quirky .

GG

Hi GG

I adopted a saying 30 years ago from a therapist "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world"?

Your sons interaction with their new found brother is entirely up to the 3 of them. I know as a mum you'd like them to be close but its not realistic to expect it.

I think the one big mistake comes in the form of admitting you have mental illness worries. I would write a letter and send a copy to each son explaining your limitations like communication, guilt, the result of violence, limits on communication, etc .

There is a chance they will make exceptions. If not too bad for them. They might visit shorter lengths of time next time knowing the quality of their stay lasts about 1-2 days not 3-4.

I'd also seek more counseling. This is a work in progress, your mental repair is ongoing. You need to be more open and not feel ashamed by your mh of which you have no control.

And stop blaming yourself for others distancing themselves from each other. They have the ability to ring people. All 3 do.

I dont know what your life is like at home but you might need to emetse yourself in it more to distract yourself from never ending children issues.

Tony WK

Hi WhiteKnight,

I am being treated weekly by both 2 physiatrists, my gp and a psychologist, all working together, as I'm chronic atm. I have always been the peacemaker in the family and I do not want my sons estranged from each other.

On the suggestion of others it was suggested that I tell them of my mh issues, after much thought I decided I would but I stopped at B ( that was my choice to tell after much thought) The others do not know, so their reaction is not from mh issues but from finding out about c.

Never ending children issues? They are my children and I am committed as a mum to be their for them and see that they are their for each other. We take on that role from when they are first born until I am no longer here

I read anger in you reply and feel you are judging me for trying to be caring towards them and wanting them or us to be a family unit. I won't give up on that ( if I'm wrong I'm sorry). I also feel right now while writing this that you are annoyed with me and my mh problems. I'm sorry.

Ill do my best to handle this alone.

My apologises to all.

GG.

Hi GG

I hope you are ok.

Youve done this before, rejecting ideas and input. That would be fine if my intent was to upset you. It isnt at all. Ive been with you from the start and my intention has always been to help not hurt, never hurt. But I accept like anyone I can use the wrong words at times.

"Never ending childrens issues" has nothing to do with your commitment to your children but everything to do with how you are finding things difficult to tackle with them. That comment has to be read in context to the rest of the sentence. So sorry for not making it clearer.

When champions here like me (we also have mh issues) answer over a thousand posts a year it isnt possible to remember every detail about every member. If you've mentioned the extent of your treatment before, I didnt recall it. Good, you are being cared for.

Distraction is recommended by me regularly. You arent the first. It is better to be occupied in interests rather than dwelling/worrying.

Im going to sign off here now and wish you all the best. You are in good hands with Quirky. Perhaps you do need a softer approach. I dont mind acknowledging that at all.

Good luck and well done in your progress to date.

Tony WK

GG

it has been a difficult weekend for you.

I know you are working hard on your problems.

I realise you are committed to your children.

I am pleased with your progress so far.

This is your real life and not a television show we people meet up and everything seems fine.

It will take time and patience.

I commend the effort you are putting in to making yourself better.

Your boys need time to process everything.

I look forward to hear how you are going.

Quirky

Hello WhiteKnight.

I really hope you will just once more come here.

I am so very sorry for my response to your reply, there is no excuse for it.

I had 3 sessions back to back this morning and I was feeling very defensive after them. It was just to full on.

I cant think rationally atm everything is getting blown out of contents. I have a tendency lately to talk/write without thinking first, anxiety and this overwhelming fear is distorting everything I do,say and read, not I can't seem to fully understanding properly and nothing much is making sense to me. It's making me want to do everything yesterday to get it out of my head. ( but it stays in there)

I have huge respect for you and your suggestions and have always read or listened to them, even when you have suggested them on your other threads. especially marahji sunset I have in true honesty searched out and read all your threads as I think you have good insight and suggestions and took notes on them.

your last sentence, "I dont know what your life is like at home but you might need to emetse yourself in it more to distract yourself from never ending children issues." Really hit me hard. made me feel lazy which made me hate myself even more because for the life of me I can't get myself motivated to do anything just to exhausted all the time. ((not your fault).

WhitKnight my reply and me hurting you like I did is eating away at me. I don't want you to sack me You have seen me through this hard journey from the start and you have helped me so much through it. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I really hope you can find it in your heart to do so. I am so sorry not just saying the word sorry but really meaning it

Not sure if you will read this or if someone can let you know somehow, but I need you to read this, and I need to know if you are ok. I can't be at peace knowing I have hurt some one,

hoping you you will read this

GG

Hello Quirky

thank you,

This week has been really hard, thank you so much for your support and help. what an idiot brain I have, I read then re read then overthink and then get it wrong. Looking back over the posts I can see I have also done this to you. it's been difficult This fear and anxiety of talking to people is destroying my mind, it's turning me into some one I don't like. My fear and anxiety has to stop now. I can't handle it anymore. you have given me great support and I know a few times I have gotten your replies mixed up and twisted around in my brain I'm really sorry.

before this journey started my depression,anxiety,guilt etc was high, today at my session/assessment it was changed to chronic/severe so this journey has taken its toll on my mh. It's knocked me down even more, changing who I am my identity.

I learned a hard lesson tonight, one I will never forget. I can only talk to you because I cannot see you, but both, you Quirky, and Whiteknight have touched my heart deeply and because of my mh I have lost Whiteknight, which is hurting.

I think if I continue while my mh has gotten this bad I'm scared in my sons eyes they will think I am trying to control them(like their father did).... at least I did try, ( with a lot of your help)..(and others) .. for now I've got to get my mh under control first before I hurt anyone else as I'ts spiralling out of control.

Thank you for your kindness

GG

Dear GG

Lovely lady, you havent lost me, no way.

The truth is my wife and I have toiled physically for tow days preparing our vegie garden. When I'm physically tired my bipolar mood is much worse. When this happens I generally stay off the forum until I've recuperated. But, you have been a special person so I replied...why?

I have a wonderful daughter, a teacher with anxiety. My younger one (24) I dont see, brainwashed by her mother. While I havent been in your situation I do have empathy, I think you've been through hell and back.

You have been brave. Yesterday, I was trying to suggest you take another step, to reveal to all family members your struggles and ask for their patience. Its totally up to you if you do so but it will reveal relief for them as they will join the fots better and secret cause guilt in us.

sometimes females are better than males in answering posts. I understand fully the feeling of fear when you felt anger in my words considering your past experiences with your ex.

So my intention was to bow out for that reason...but I wont. I'd be thrilled to continue on as we were.

Im so happy you've been reading my threads and also maharaji. That means a lot to me.

I didnt know the extent of treatment you were getting. Of course your psychs advice is priority. But snippets of ideas you can consider from us is healthy also.

We go through life as damaged goods. We struggle with relationships especially with the written word...so easy to misunderstand. But with some people in the world we can have faith in, trust, endure and feel calm.

I hope I am one of those people.

Because you are.

Tony WK

GG

You have nothing to be sorry for. I overthink a lot of the time and it is something i am working on. I have often misunderstood others words because I have been tired. I can relate to certain words upsetting me and reacting to me especially as a parent.

You have been through so much in last few months and you are brave and strong and you keep going, It takes a strong person to admit they need help and be aware of their problems and keep on trying to get better. That is why I admire you so much you have dealt with so much and keep dealing with issues and you keep going.

I am learning so much from you and Tony. I have read your posts on other threads and you are always kind, wise and compassionate to others.Tony has wisdom and experience and kindness.

As Tony has said it so well, "we struggle with relationships especially with the written word. But with some people in the world we can have faith in trust endure and feel calm"

He hopes he is one of those people and he is, and I hope I am too, and you are too. I wish you could find some of that compassion for yourself. I see you so differently than you see yourself. You are being so honest with us here and sharing your struggles in a way it well help others who have not yet found their voice. That is a great gift because you will make others feel they are not alone.

There are many people here silently reading and cheering you on.

I think you hurt yourself not others as you care for everyone else but not yourself.

Have faith in yourself like Tony said he does and I do too.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

Hello WhiteKnight,

I am extremely grateful that you will stay with me. Thank you very much.

In the thread "suicide why not". I opened up to DB well I call it a "degrading " part of my life. anyway distracting myself from memories of that by writing to you now.

While I have a fear of people in general, men terrify me if they look at me or worse still if they go to talk to me, wow once when I was out shopping I collapsed and was taken to hospital because my arms twisted out of shape and I couldn't move them. Drs told me I was hypoventalating, explained to me what caused it. That's never happened again thanks to mindfulness (learnt here) well trying to learn it. I will keep trying to learn it, it's invaluable to me.

WK, you are the first man that I have been comfortable with and talking to. In a way you are helping me to heal in that area, you are so kind to me and not many men have been, my post will explain it all, my son c even though he is my son is a man a stranger. which makes it harder for me. Thursday of next week a physiatrist is flying down from Sydney (male) to assess me and try to help, this I was told is a must do for me, and I am so stressing out, I don't want to do this my physiatrist ( female will sit in with me ). but I will. Why? This might sound strange but because you are a man and a kind one, I haven't seen you, probably couldn't speak to you face to face but writing to you and your kind replies has been a start and I'm drawing on some strength from that. as I said earlier you are helping me.

I am so pleased you haven't given up on me, you and Quirky are one of those people that I do draw strength from and have faith in , and believe in your words and trust your replies and I do give them a go.

Once again WK, thank you

kind thoughts

GG

Hi GG

Fear of men? Now how did I guess that lol. I have a fear of some women. Brought up by a nurturing loving woman that also had a narcissistic destructive manipulating side. 7 years ago at 54yo My sister and I stopped seeing her. She ruined my first wedding in 1985 and was threatening to ruin the second. At 79yo she was handed an AVO to stay away from the park where the wedding took place. I'm a big guy but any form of bossiness frightens me. I've been a prison warder and investigator, dog ranger and bouncer but the little old ladies that point their finger and raise their voice gets me running. Funny hey.

For many years I'd written poetry but couldn't get them published so had no benefit for them. I began writing to this lady I'd met at a cemetery that had two children murdered to see if I could help her have some sort of life from losing her only two children. That was 11 years ago. I'm still writing to her.

My point is, just like there are wonderful women out there some also point the finger at me and be bossy. Just like men out there like me can be...well just like other men and flex their muscles and get frustrated, some are marshmellows inside.

So, here is a poem that I sent my friend once many years ago. I hope you like it.

HOUSE OF WAX

He was busy with the pouring

This old mans name of Max

So I toured his workplace while he toiled

This holy house of wax

There were inventors of a kind

And starlets from the stage

There were master minds of talent

From another age

There were heroes from the wars

And leaders of a group

There were figurines of wax

From every allied troop

I stopped to admire him work

His name tag read just "Max"

"You really are a marvel...

how you recreate from wax"

I focused on his one off mould

And marveled when it set

This figure of a lady

That I recently had met

Her arms were open wide

as if about to fly

I asked a simple question

I asked a simple "why"

"Because she is cradling her girls

Even though you cannot see

It is the stance she had

When they were one and three"

He continued to work away

As the making of the sign did end

And I was in total or

Of the image of my friend

He rolled out the final cast

To place at the mothers feet

This house of wax creator

That I was glad to meet

He placed the sign just right

This single cast of one

The sign read appropriately

"this is the perfect mum"...

Tony WK

Tony,

Thank you for sharing .

The poem brought a tear to my eyes.

I am afraid of people called quirky!!

I don't fear based on gender but based on how people make me feel.

Quirky

Hello again WhiteKnight and Quirkey,

I have read I think all the poems you have shared here thank you,

This and the one you posted a while back for me both made me cry, they are written from your heart

You really have both have beautiful souls.

Thank you both

GG.

Hi Granny, I read your latest post on DB thread about your memories of abuse at the hands of your ex.

Not a nice man. I wish I could have protected you.

Memories can be torturous and debilitating. I discussed this with my lovely wife. She was married to my brother in law. So our spouses were brother and sister and they were both emotionally abusive. So we both were lucky to be able to share our pain and swap stories.

She said this morning "how do you eliminate memories, triggers? Great question

My only answer is- to pigeon hole them. Eg whenever I recall the 6 weeks of silence from my ex wife (her show of complete contempt) I'd say out loud "mongrel". We had two young children, I worked 3 jobs so she could be the homemaker but still she cared not.

The problem of bad memories is that while you GG is doing the right thing like distraction, our minds fall into the memory bucket and those memories are so vivid and cruel we have been effected so much by them.

We either find a way of letting them slide with the pigeon hole idea or accept that triggers come and go from time to time.

Grab a texta. Write on small rocks your memories of abuse, throw them in a river or the bin or bury them. Physical action can help sink in. Then when you get a trigger recall how you buried it. Say out loud "I buried that"

Losing control of ones mind is no fun. Our minds need to get balance to operate with the least pain. So, abuse on one side of the weighing scale, happiness on the other. On the happiness side proactive activities that fill your mind with ...a life. Passive sports, friends, hobbies, work, project, music, get a dog, cooking

But above all lovely Granny, these waves of memories come and go, when they come the positive is?...they will go.

The abuser wont defeat you. You have won. You will survive. You have reclaimed your life and memories although locked into your mind can be smothered.

Its just not an easy task.

Google

Topic: focus and never ever give up- beyondblue

Topic: feeding your brain- beyondblue

Topic: 6 tips for helping the mind- when things dont sink in- beyondblue

Tony WK

GG

I am sorry these memories are upsetting you. Tony has given you ideas that can help.

I used to write things down that upset me and I would burn the paper and see it all end up as ash. It gave me some closure.

You have been through such a ot but you have survived and you are surviving. You are a lot stronger than you think.

Do you have any positive memories you can think of.

I am so proud how you have coped with abuse and some challenging things from the present.

You have 3 great sons and grandchildren who love and admire what you have done for them.

Quirky

Hello WhiteKnight,

Thank you very much for being caring and reading my post and kind enough to reply here,

I have read the suggested reads but will need to read and re-read them a few times until it sinks in and stays in and I can understand better, That wasn't the first time this has happened over the last few years, just about every household chore has painful memories for me, but this time it was the worse, Yesterday/last night I was fighting so hard just to still be here. It was so painful, The memories are becoming more hurtful each time.

I can relate to the silent treatment, makes you feel so degraded, invisible like a soulless person. I am learning and understanding a little about you, I admire the way you are so possative about everything and got on top of it..that must have been hard. really hard.

I will definitely do the rock writing and throw my memories away, something has to work for me it really has to. I realise after reading this that I will always have these flashbacks/memories , I'm going to have to try and except that, but you said that: these waves of memories come and go, when they come the positive is? They will go.. I needed to hear that, thank you. I'm not 100% sure of what pigeon hole effect is,

Balancing out my mind, I will need to get my anxiety healed so I can at least get myself outside and go for a walk, I'm not lazy WK I just cannot get even a slight interest in doing anything .

You teared me up when I read ""that you wished you could have protected me,"". I have met a true friend in you, someone that cares, It feels good to know you are here WK your words calm me down, thank you,

Kind thoughts

GG

.

Hello Quirky,

Thank you for your kind words,

I will definitely try the rock/ paper writing and throw away, as I just replied to WK, I really need to do something to get my life under control. I'm trying so hard to fight my memories I draw strength from your words that you think I am stronger then I think I am.

Happy memories, I just can't seem to find any, I have tried looking for them but always when I'm trying to find one, a bad memory pops up and drags me down, I'm certain their has to be some good ones somewhere in my brain but for now I've stopped looking.

Thank you for being proud of me, it means a lot but also be proud of yourself as without you and WK I know I would have crashed.

kind thoughts,

GG

Thankyou GG

Now, I would like you to do me a favour.

Lie down. Google this on high volume. At the end of it tell me what you thought about during the video

Leo Rojas Der einsame Hirte

Tony WK

Hello WH,

your probably asleep by now..I'm Hoping it's a peaceful sleep.

I played it a few times, the first time I played it my thoughts were to busy and chatty to listen properly, by the third time I played it well my thoughts were only of the music, I had no thoughts nothing but the music, peaceful I'd even say tranquil. I think that's the first time in over a week my mind just rested and took in the sounds of the music. I had it loud with earplugs in..My mind is still quiet, maybe I can get some sleep tonight,,Thank you I needed that so much..

How did you know?

GG

GG

I just listened to the music and it is vey soothing. I will listen again tonight. I wanted to listen o it after you both recommended it.

Thanks Tony.

GG that is great it helped you. Hope you managed some sleep. I think it is great your mind rested for the first time in over a week. That is the power of music and the power of Tony.

Quirky

Hello WhitKnight and Quirky,

I agree Quirky, and I managed a few hours of sleep last night, not only sleep but a nightmare free sleep, I will be playing it tonight and before my new physiatrist appointment tomorrow. It calmed me.

Thank you WhiteKnight, once again you came to my rescue, your name suits you very well

GG.

Hi GG

Thankyou again to you and Quirky. Nice words.

That result is exactly the result I was hoping for. The power of distraction. It could have been merely 1 minute of peace or a good nights sleep. The fact that it relieved pressure and intrusive thoughts is the key. A holiday from your mind.

When I play it I imagine I'm an eagle. I soar high in the sky then land in a forest where there are red toadstools with white spots, native animals surrounding me, stroking my arms and tears often fall. It's my place, my heart, my soul...its my imagination and the music takes me there. Sometimes when I'm tinkering in my shed I'll hum that tune or "the wings of an eagle" by Russell Morris or similar. My wife recently introduced Celtic music to me. It has a similar effect.

The intention I have is to introduce you the key to your door. As Maharaji says, "only you have the key to your inner heart". It wont take away your history nor your bad memories but it will push them aside when you feel there is a need. An ability that has eluded you. With practice it comes easier. Then your bad memories will be where they should be ....a long way away.

Granny you are certainly taking the baby steps. There is no obligation. You are doing so well.

Tony WK

WhiteKnight,

Thank you so very much for helping, I really am trying hard, listening to you, and accepting your help with an open heart. I trust what your telling me, and accepting it and trying it. I really appreciate it so much. It is really helping me.

Your thoughts when listening to the music are magical, when I read what you were imagining it sort of took me there and I could see what you saw, and can understand the tears, my favourite of all the birds is the eagle, not just saying that, it really it..Later when I can I will try to put some imagination into the music but for now just listening to it and concentrating on the sounds is calming my mind. I like the mind holiday theory.

To let you the truth, I haven't listened to music for a few years ( ex was a band member 60/70/80/ music) I have thrown all his and my music away after reading toxic people on your thread. I didn't want to know about it until I started with Marahji sunset, I still haven't listened to much more of Marahji, Just can't get my mind around the talking atm, to much talking gets mixed up together and are just annoying echo sounds going around and around and not making sense, I suppose something like small talk in your thread tolerating people..

Thanks again WH, you have great suggestions that are helping me..... I like you WhiteKnight, ( first time I've said that to a man) and have connected to you as well as DB I really think connecting to someone is important and vital for healing.

kindness WH,

GG.

Hi Granny

Such nice words. Its an honour that you praise me.

Ot seems you are soaking all these new experiences in slowly. You are under care with your doctors so I wont overload you.

When you do feel up to it use the search bar on top of the page.

Our own worse enemy

That might help also. You've come such a long way. You have posted on other threads in the hope you can help someone else in need. Frankly, that blew me away not because you did so, but that you made such rapid progress.

Soak it in granny. I see a smile.

YOU GOT UP AGAIN

There be stepping stones

To cross a river task

To step on that first stone

Is one step from the past

And people call you to come

And so the second one is done

Lose balance and in the drink

What will other people think?

The glory isnt in the stones

Nor your cries nor your pain

Its in the admiration

That you got up again....

Tony WK

Hello WhiteKnight,

Thank you for your kind words, and that I "blew you away", means a lot to me, I find when I am writing to someone on the forums it helps to settle me for a bit..

another beautiful and meaningful poem, you are a good poet, I remember reading somewhere that you have written over a hundred of them well done.

I will have to say this time that my attempts at listening to Leo Rojas didn't go down very well last night, I tried. I couldn't no matter what I done, shut my mind up,

Sleep never visited me last night, just to much thinking of this visit, this morning with new Physiatrist, I know questions will be fired at me again, don't know why they need to ask same unpleasant questions, they have the answers on their computer.

Have a nice peaceful Day, WH,

kind thoughts, GG

Gg

Over 250 actually

CHOOKA CHOOK

Chooka chook had an angry look as she washed the dishes dry

Her friend Pecky the hen, was taken away to be fried

Then Rooty Rooster came to pass and saw Chooka sad

He sad "dont be sad, be glad

You havent been plucked nor baked, or cooked till you're black..unlike Daffy duck...who got cooked till he couldnt quack"

Chooka chook no longer sooked, she did her dishes fast

She never cried while she had her hide. ..she lived each day as her last....

Tony WK