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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. Ggrand
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    1 December 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hello WhiteKnight,

    What a nice little poem, It has a good message,

    I read our own worse enemy and see saw. I understand what you've written. You have good threads and they help me but atm I'm hurting WK, yesterday was rough.

    Take care of yourself,

    kind thoughts only

    GG

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  2. quirkywords
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    1 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    GG

    sorry yesterday was rough.

    How are you today?

    Thinking of you.

    Quirky

  3. Ggrand
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    1 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Really deep

    GG.

  4. Ggrand
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    1 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello WhiteKnight and Quirky,

    I will try this again. Couldn't finish yesterday,

    Really Deep.

    Really deep inside my head,

    is where my problems really began,

    really deep their cemented in,

    why don't they flew out and not stay in,

    paper and pen I get out,

    write out my problem, then throw them out,

    now it's time to sleep I go to bed,

    but my problems they awake again,

    earplugs in and music loud,

    will help to move that dark cloud,

    distraction is the way to go,

    hoping tomorrow my problems will go.

    kind thoughts.

    GG.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
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    1 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    GG and everyone

    thanks for your emotional poem.

    I hope you managed some sleep.

    I have nights like that- with problems

    really deep and cemented in- that is great imagery.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

  6. white knight
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    3 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi granny

    I havent been on much and today 3 hour trip to the city, mil in hospital.

    Keep faith that its a cycle. Wait for the right time to bounce back.

    Topic: depression, the timing of motivation- beyondblue

    Dont read if you dont want to. You will be ok.

    Tony WK

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  7. Ggrand
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    3 December 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hello WhiteKnight,

    Im sorry to hear your mother in law is sick and in hospital, I am wishing her well and hopes your mother in law recovers, Its easy not to care for yourself when faced with stressful situations, WK, and if I may MrsWK, please take care of each other.

    WK, I'll definitely read, I want to..

    kind thoughts only, (🤗🤗🤗).

    GG

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  8. Ggrand
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi everyone,

    Not been here for a while but I don't want this on my other thread.

    I stayed home for Christmas for a reason.

    I have not been well, really not in a good in my mind, with my thoughts.

    My youngest just messaged me to say he and his family is 3 hours away from my home. I haven't seen him since September nor spoken to him but msgs yes on occasions.

    I love them so much please believe I do. but I don't want to see them. I'm not well mentally, I can't function well atm.

    why do they take it apon themselves to invite themselves to my place, I can't even look after myself properly let alone another 3 more..I did msg and tell the 3 of them I needed to be on my own.

    My grandson he is 9yrs old now. He has Torrettes with ticks, poor sweetheart..It's hard to see a loved one going through the cycles of Torrettes. . I'm not strong enough to keep the tears in, not now anyway, then my tears will upset him and that will make him feel bad.

    I really don't need this now.. He said there staying for a week maybe two. I'm not confident anymore being a mum or grandma because I'm not confident being me.

    Geez I hope I get through this in one piece and it doesn't drag me down to much..

    When I see any of them they just trigger the crap out of me, They look, walk and sound like there dad. Memories come back.memories of their childhood, memories more vivid then now of what I went through with their dad, It wasn't to bad before my breakdown, everything was stashed away deep inside it was asleep, My breakdown woke everything up and brought it to the surface,

    i don't need this now, I don't want to slip any further then I am now and I'm in deep atm.

    I have to suck it in put on a lie, and pretend.

    GG

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  9. Elizabeth CP
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Your son is visiting because he loves you & wants to see you. I understand it is hard. We used to visit my in-laws when they were unwell. The place was a mess. My MIL usually fell asleep & was unable to participate in the conversation even when awake. We went to show we loved them & cared. We accepted them as they were. We knew they couldn't entertain us or provide food or anything although we would get drinks for them when they wanted. I realise it is not the same as your situation but I think putting off seeing your kids is making things worse for you.

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  10. quirkywords
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    GG

    Thanks for the update but I am sad that you are still in pain.

    I can understand that you are suffering and that you need space. I can see that looking after another 3 would be stressful.

    Is there any way you could meet half way say 1 1/2 hrs each do driving and have a meal at a cafe or one thing low key.

    I understand the triggers and the stress but it is great he wants to keep in touch and see you.

    I see you have come a long way but you feel you are struggling now.

    I know you are strong and will be okay. It will take time and I am cheering you on.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

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  11. Ggrand
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    27 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello, Elizabeth, Quirky,

    They arrived around 7.30pm.

    I held myself together until my youngest (b) put his arms around me then, I just broke down...

    We talked a lot, I cried a lot,

    GG.

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  12. Elizabeth CP
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    I'm glad you were able to talk & to cry. Bottling everything up is not helpful. How are you feeling now? I hope you can look back on last night as proof that your son loves you no matter what. He loves you because you brought him up loving him & doing your best in very difficult circumstances. Nothing can take that away.

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  13. demonblaster
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    Darling Grandy found it

    Just putting on my threads, will read more hopefully today
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  14. quirkywords
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    GG

    I am so glad you have visitors and ma glad you had a big cry.

    I will be thinking of you all week.

    Your family will know what a string and courageous woman you are and that why they want be with you when they can.

    Quirky

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  15. demonblaster
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    Grandy hun.. read this page, will read rest in batches x

    Glad you cried for release & talked a lot. Hope it went well. I think talking will help G
    Agree they love you because of your love you give
    This could be another lift... you're starting to pick up
    time brings change

    You're tough Grandy you're going to get through. You've got an army behind you lady cause you're worthy xx

    (( much L&C ))
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  16. Birdy77
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Dear Gg ❤

    I just wanted to say how much i admire you, your strength and courage and everything you have done to get to this stage.

    I have read every single entry on this thread it took me a while 😊.

    The beautiful support you have had from Tony and from Quirky has touched my heart.

    Your story is one of great courage and it is inspirational.

    I know you are still well within your journey, i don't want to interrupt, but wanted to say i am in awe of you and these gorgeous friends you have drawn to you.

    You deserve these friends.

    ❤❤🌻birdy

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  17. white knight
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Katen,

    Well I'm proud of you

    They wemt all that way to see you. Their xmas wasnt complete without you.

    Can I ask what you spoke about or what topic. Eg your lifes struggles?. Dont andwer if stressed.

    You got thru xmas. Well done.

    Tony WK

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  18. Ggrand
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    28 December 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hello Everyone,

    Thank you everyone for the kindness and care you have shown me.

    My youngest son has always been a very gentle person. I know he was uncomfortable seeing me cry..he did only once before, that's when I made a promise to me that he would never see me like that again.I broke my promise to me, I am angry with me for that.

    I have never doubted his love for me, I doubt me, If I loved him as a good mother would, Why didn't I take that chance and walk? A few people I have spoken to over the years in general, I've never spoken about my life except on here, have told me that if there husband ever hurt there children they would immediately leave,That's being a good mum. Me to weak to leave, not a good mum. No more here, hurts me to much. I'm sorry I cannot forget what I know I should have done, I can't forgive myself for that.

    Tony, we talked about about my anxiety/depression, I told him about the effect it's having on me. The daily tears,staying in bed, staying at home,not going out,unable to talk to anyone, not eating, I never spoke about his dad...

    I can't get rid of thinking about the injustice that was done to him and how I could have stopped it. I was watching the three of them playing, laughing having family time together in my backyard today the love, care and respect they have for each other is beautiful. I was watching and thinking, how did my son who had his horrid childhood grow up so loving and caring.

    A lot of upset and hurt by triggers are happening, trying so hard not let it drag me to far down. I hear hubby in my sons voice, in his walk and his looks. I see the life we had when I look at my son. It's really hard as I said before I love them so dearly but I'm needing time out, but I will won't let them know this, I'm holding me together the best I can until they leave,

    I love all my sons dearly, My eldest has not even rang me since September, that hurts deeply. My son I adopted out sent me Christmas wishes that's encouraging to further our relationship.

    Birdy, You have a lovely soul, thank you for doing that, and your kind words of support. Tony and Quirky have given me amazing support throughout and have stayed with me, even twice I read Tony's words wrong and have replied harshly to him, he still came back, He has a very special place in my heart, you all are amazing DB, (L&C). Elizabeth, quirky, deep in my heart thank you.

    GG.

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  19. quirkywords
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    GG

    People can say anything about what they would do in a certain situation, but it is totally differnet whne thye actually experience. You did your best at the time. I heard a woman being interviewed and she said before she experienced abuse she could not understand why a woman would not leave. Then it happened to her and she felt trapped and it was far more complex than she ever realised and she now understood it is not easy 'just to leave"

    I can't say it enough you did what you could- no one else knew exactly what you were going through. Ignore those ignorant people who say "Oh I would have done this", how can they possibly know .

    The fact your son can be so loving and caring is due to your love and care over the years. I know the past still haunts and affects you but focusing on the present will help.

    I understand it is hard but I am proud you are see in joy in your son and his family and that you opened up to your son about the anxiety.

    I thank you for being so honest and sharing your story.

    Big hugs

    Quirky

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  20. Elizabeth CP
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    29 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen, I've just read the thread re the frog & the scorpion which I think relates here. We are at a fancy dress ball. We all wear different costumes portraying who we want others to see us as. I imagine your ex appearing as the handsome prince sweeping you off your feet. suddenly you are married & the fancy dress comes off. You know recognise him as the scorpion. Whenever you try to escape the sting comes out. You are like all good mothers in the animal kingdom determined to do whatever it takes to protect you sons. You know the scorpions sting too well & you stay not because you are weak but because at the time that was the only way you could see to protect them from the scorpion. If you left would you have been able to keep your sons away from their dad. That I suspect is what kept you.

    Next time you look at your son notice how he is the handsome prince, the real gentleman. He is not a scorpion dressed to look kike one as your ex was. He may look like your ex but those looks are just the fancy dress at the ball. Underneath he is the loving son, the real gentleman who learnt from you. He saw past the frightened exterior you may have portrayed & saw & still sees a loving mother who would do anything for her kids even in the most horrible circumstances

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  21. Ggrand
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    29 December 2017 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Dear Elizabeth,

    Reading what you wrote is an interesting theory, and a good one. Thank you.

    You have given me something to think about, the way you wrote this I see things a bit differently, I appreciate that.

    When I first met ex he was kind caring and gentle towards me, but not long after our marriage the real him came out.

    When the children came along his sting got worse.

    My youngerst here with me now, yeah, sounds,looks,walks etc like ex, but the big difference is his heart, my youngest has a huge gentle heart. No sting at all and that makes for no comparison at all.

    Elizabeth, you have really opened my thoughts up today and given me a new way of looking at me....

    Even though I am still angry at me because my eyes were closed to his true identity, I think I will be able to start working at finding a little peace within me.

    Thank you for your wisdom, and caring,

    kind thoughts

    GG

  22. Ggrand
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    29 December 2017 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello, Elizabeth, WK, Quirky, DB, Birdy, readers or posters.

    My son asked to speak to me today . He wanted to talk about his feelings, his dad and me. He asked me if I could just listen to him first without interrupting.

    My sons first words were, Mum I'm so sorry, I wanted to speak, but he silenced me, mum please just listen first. He talked about his fears, his ordeals and sorrows won't go into what we talked about except this bit..

    Not word for word I can't remember exactly.. but I think these words are close to one of our conversations, I felt I needed to share it with you all because I'm confused..

    "Dad kicked me out at 15, you fixed it with your friends for me to board with them, so I was safe, you came daily to see me, I met my wife at 18, then boarded at her parents place, married her then we rented a flat."

    "I should have got you away from dad and have you live with us, I've felt guilty about not asking you to live with us, for so long, you would have been safe, dad couldn't hurt you anymore if you stayed with us"....My reply was, "If you would have asked me I'd have said no because your dad would have caused us all grief. You just got married, with a brand new life to start. I would have said no. You have no reason to be sorry, none at all. I love you"...We both crying now, I told him that I am sorry about me not being strong enough to walk away from his dad.

    Mum you got nothing to be sorry for, Dad kicked me out, you found me somewhere to live,you visited almost daily,you helped with my studies,you talked about your hopes for me, life in general, you love me....What have you got to be sorry about? Come on,, Please can you tell me why are you feeling sorry about doing these things for me? .... I didn't know what to say......

    kind thoughts

    GG

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  23. white knight
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    29 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    BLEND AS ONE

    to Karen

    Everyone has said the same

    That you were not to blame

    Thats the heart of the matter

    When your sons made pitter patter

    And of all the guilt and shame

    That you were not to blame

    Now mentally lame

    Tears on window frame

    But now as boys have their fun

    Life has just begun

    Whats done is done

    And tears....blend as one

    Those memories can't sing as they are sung

    Some wars were lost and some were won

    If you didnt love your sons

    no tears would blend as one...

    Tony WK

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  24. Elizabeth CP
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    29 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    As I said before your son is the lovely gentleman YOU brought up. He loves you because he can see past any masks you put on & recognises your goodness & love. Hopefully both of you can move forward. The scorpion is dead He can't hurt you any more. It is time now for the frogs (you & your sons) to turn back into handsome prince & princesses feeling loved & safe.

    I am glad your son was able to share his feelings with you. He sounds lovely.

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  25. demonblaster
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    30 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    Grandy darling lady

    What a beautiful bloke he sounds, agree totally with Elizabeth you bought him up to be such a great bloke with the love emanating from you who wouldn't be.

    That sounds like an incredible conversation, so glad that happened. I also hope you're feeling a sense of release, the guilt you're living because of someone overpowering & manipulating you. They're the weak ones not you.

    This visit is emotional for sure but look at the communication that' s happening.

    I really believe life's starting to deal you better cards Grandy & you have so much love & care here & your family, this doesn't happen to just anyone.
    Only to those who deserve it. YOU DO & the care you give with such wisdom to so many

    L&C always dear friend xx ((( souls )))
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  26. Ggrand
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    30 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB, Elizabeth,WK, Quirky, everyone else,

    Thank you all for your support and kind word, I really appreciate them.

    This started off reasonably good, got better. But now I think I made a big mistake, I found out yesterday through the talks we had and how he feels about his dad then and now, and me at the time he was growing up. Big mistake.

    They are leaving soon. I think that's a good thing, I definitely need time out, To much conflict in my thoughts going on.

    GG.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. quirkywords
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    31 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Tony what a great poem.

    GG, what a lovely son you have raised. Hopefully you will be able to move that past behind.

    You son knows the truth as we here have always known.

    Now you need to see the wonderful brave woman we have all seen and admire.

    I am not sure why you feel it was a big mistake for your son to realise how support you were and how much he appreciates and acknowledges what you have done.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

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  28. demonblaster
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    31 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    Remember beasty wants you to feel doubts Grandy

    You're a survivor, you're loved & cared deeply for, there's reasons for that

    L&C (( souls ))
  29. Ggrand
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    31 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB, Quirky, everyone else.

    Yesterday, we went to the river for a little while, buying lunch at kiosk we waited for around 15minutes to get served when our turn came a man and his kids, who was after us ordered just before my son ordered, my son got cranky, and told the the man we were before him..., I told my son not to worry about it we will go next, my son got annoyed with me. Later that night he said that if I had respect for myself I wouldn't have let his dad treat me like he did. I should show a bit of respect for myself and start speaking up for myself. I can't, I was upset with him, he apologised, said he was sorry,,but the words were spoken and the more I think about them I think he is right.

    GG

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  30. white knight
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    31 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen

    He may well be right. But you are older and more patient and you don't mind and its your call.

    As a younger man I was the same as your son, impatient, anti those that seem bullies etc. But I have more faith in people because I'm aware that most people are good people and they don't mean to push in or be nasty.

    Your son will learn. He sees thing differently. Your differences in how you think is what you can point out to him. List your differences- male, female, mother, son, young, older, worker, non worker etc etc. Lots of differences.

    You are the frog, he the tadpole. He'll learn.

    Lovely natured frog by the way....

    Tony WK

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