Hi Sara,

Having this forum and this safe place to share our brokenness can be so healing and therapeutic. Congratulations to you for managing to get back onto your feet, to learn to live again, to overcome.

I understand your experience. My first husband used to find great pleasure in sexually abusing me in front of his friends. When I made any kind of complaint he would bash me. It was even more violent when his friends were not around. When I tried to leave, he would bash me. In the end I escaped when he went to the hotel to buy more beer.

He tried to strangle me, stuck me with a knife and held a loaded double barrelled shotgun to my head a few times. I called out to family and friends for help and they all ignored me. I think they were all too afraid of what might happen to them if they intervened.

So I hear you Sara, loud and clear. Over time I have managed to deal with the memories and try to not allow them to interfere with my life now. My mind has its own ideas. Posts like yours do certainly trigger the memories.

Courageous lady, I wish you well on your continued journey of life. We never know what demons and hurtful thoughts and images others have to carry every day.

If you would like a supportive hug, here is one for yo.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

Hi Navy Blue,

Like Sara I am hoping you are okay and safe.

If you don't feel like writing right now that is okay, you need to do what is beneficial and right for you.

Just know you have a lot of support and caring people here hoping you are doing okay.

The journey of mental health issues is not always easy. There can be many bends in the road and huge pot holes and rut to climb out of. Let alone landslides. You can turn the corner though and walk in the sunshine again.

Counselling can be tough. You can feel like your very heart and soul have been ripped out of you. It can help to release the hurt, the pain, shame, doubts and fears as well. One moment you can feel euphoric for being able to release so much, then it is like you have a void that may soon fill with doubt.

Move past all of that. Learn to fill your heart and soul with light and peace.

Thinking of you, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Bloody hell girls, talk about tough women. I dip my lid to you for what you have been through and yet, here you are, extremely powerful in your status. Your voices are just so so powerful. It is amazing what you do - I am completely mind blown by the way that you carry yourselves. Much respect.

How are you travelling Navy?

Hello all, sorry for going off grid as we CT intel operators say,but I needed a break from writing.I needed a break from pouring my heart out-I just needed some me time.I am on the planet farthest away from exhaustion. I'm at a stage where I cannot even make the simplest of decisions.I'm in this random state of clouded confusion wherby I can't believe comments of truthfulness about my self worth or my physical attributes?Not a great deal makes sense to me.I used to be calm and decisive under all forms of stress,will this trait ever come back?I remember someone here saying,PTSD,clearly you will never be the same-this is definitive.This quite simply scares me & clearly destroys my character as a man and my ability to continue as a sound military officer,if this truly is the case.I had my second session yesterday,probably another reason for going off grid.I am drained by hearing positive affirmation about me as a man mentally and physically-& then taking an emotional roller coaster ride trying to accept it to be true,or sometimes honestly only ending up pretending,nodding and saying thank you-just a gutless appeasement.What's wrong with me?My wife stood me in front of the mirror after a shower,I can clearly see as she pointed out I AM big,so why can't I mentally accept it?I've heard I couldnt have done anything else to save those children without getting myself killed & in doing that they'd have been killed anyway.So again,why can't I accept it?I am in my third day of mindfulness,which for the first time last night I was able to connect.A positive I guess!I'm sick & tired of my underlying sense of shame-failure as a man,my proven false sense of physical inadequacy of being a man-yet why do I still question these facts? I still doubt the truth I'm being told.I can't see how I will ever be man enough,seen as man enough or feel as man enough for anyone after that day.I try to seek positives in past situations where I've been able to help save people or even saved or rescued animals in conflict & there is some glimmering warmth of pride that goes with that.A Pretty thankless job that no one really gets & hey that's OK by me.Not here for hoots on my big physical attributes or to be told gee his brave.Like Sara,I don't take compliments well.Dont know why I'm here really?Maybe I'm only MAN enough to unequivocally care only for others at my own expense & I'm ok with that I guess so long as I get some form of self worth and confidence back into my heart and my soul.

Hi Mark,

I learned decades ago that some people just don't care about others or they don't know how to help.

I decided I didn't want to be one of those people.

I didn't want to be angry any more either.

My childhood and early adult life taught me how to look after myself. Although I would not wish some of my experiences on my worst enemy, these happenings have helped me be the person I am today. They have helped me develop care and concern for others.

Back in those days I had no where to go. I am so very thankful for the community here at beyondblue. When I reached out to this forum, I was in a bad place once again with my mental health. Many people helped me. Now I can pass that forward and try to help others.

We never know what another person has been through. Offer them a smile and a helping hand if you can.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

I want to firstly thank Mark for his comments re Mrs D and myself. Strength is learned...

Mrs D...Your life sounds like my parents home growing up; to think I thought that was normal. You are strength, you are precious, you are still here...courage and will to survive. I am in awe..

Dearest Navy Man;

Reading your post I'm feeling somewhat helpless. I don't like feeling that way; I don't think anyone does. So what can I do about it? Well, nothing except support you whether you like it or not.

It was me who said you'd never be the same again. No-one can after going thru trauma. Although people say I'm strong in my recovery, I haven't lost those memories. They're still there albeit cloudier and less harmful; this is what I spoke of. I still have triggers like sometimes freezing when I'm in a position where I need to speak up for myself, and don't much like supermarkets due to head spins; these are but a few.

When I had my breakdown, I was delusional and had psychosis on and off for the first few months; I rarely slept. During those nights, I'd sit on my lounge seeing things floating around the room trying to analyse what they were and what it meant. I lived alone. I didn't even have the capacity to plan or carry out my own demise. I didn't worry about who I used to be or what was becoming of me...there wasn't time or energy for that. I lived in a bubble of intense fear every moment of the day.

Now, I can see from your words you're in a dark place. No-one, including me, can get you out of there except you. Somewhere deep inside you is your will to live. Not thrive or be cured overnight, but it's there, inside the primal section of your brain. You are writing on this forum because that mechanism is doing its best to override the (so called) rational part of your brain to find help. There's a mongrel argument going on in there between the two.

Its chemical warfare NM...

Your mind as you call it, is made up of a physical mass which produces chemicals and electrical energy in your brain and body. When that process is out of whack, provocative and disturbing thoughts will pervade your normal patterns of behaviour and thinking.

The rational section of your brain is mainly run by memory and automatic functions learned through life; like driving a car. Another section is in charge of fight/flight/freeze responses. (Reptilian brain)

Continued next page..

Hi Navy

Im Paul and good to meet you, I have been reading your thread ( in detail) with respect and understanding. I wont say that you are brave or anything similar. I wouldnt insult your intelligence for a moment.

If I may quote you Navy: "underlying sense of shame-failure as a man,my proven false sense of physical inadequacy of being a man"

I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. I dont see any shame/failure or physical inadequacy where you your manhood is concerned Mr Navy

just a guys' point of view

my kind thoughts

Paul

Cont. from previous page..

When you're in a battle zone for instance, you're on high alert most of the time. Adrenaline and cortisol is constantly pumping through your body and interfering with many of your body's natural processes. The worst affected is of course your brain along with your lymphatic and immune systems. These are the organs and glands in charge of metabolism and fighting disease/illness.

We learn mainly through rote learning..doing something over and over again until it's second nature as with 'times tables' in school. When you're in an adrenaline fuelled situation for weeks or months at a time, you're training your brain to be over-active as a normal state of being, like children bought up in volatile homes.

So when you return from active duty to a calm and peaceful environment, your brain and body has to re-adjust to the lack of chemicals from the war zone and redefine balance. This takes time and a huge amount of patience and counselling on every level of who you are as a man and human being. It's biological and the consequences to your mind can be devastating if you don't accept the negativity as a form of imbalance and chemical process.

So, in opposition to this, each time you have a calm/positive thought, memory or experience, you're teaching your brain a new pattern. Eventually it'll take hold with medication, counselling and support from your loved ones. The fight/flight/freeze response will eventually calm down and you'll start to notice moments of peace and being 'normal' (hate that word)

I'm starting to feel somewhat frantic because it gets into my soul when others are in pain and suffering; I know it so well. I'm done..exhausted. Please hear my words NM..this too shall pass..

Next time you post, tell me about your children.

I'm still here for you navy man...Sara - Hugs

Oh my god! Mrs Dools and Sara, I just read and re-read your words,the horror story that went with it.I cannot begin to fathom the pain, hurt and emotional trauma you have both endured but more importantly I cannot believe your strength & courage to fight on,help others despite this.I can't begin to express my anger & disbelief at someone so evil-I can't even call them a human being,nor comprehend physically doing these unspeakable acts of sheer terror but having such a twisted mind to even think this is normal behaviour.I am crushed to hear that this has happened to someone to whom I can only see has beauty such strength within them and their hearts and souls are filled by nothing less than love,compassion & courage that defies levels of belief.I am feeling like complete sh#t posting and writing about my "psyhical attributes" and my pathetic false insecurities without even thinking about what others have been through.Please except my deepest apologies for doing this,it was never my intention to have triggered or worse hurt you in any way shape of form.I will not discuss this false matter of mine any further so please forgive me from the deepest depth of heart for even beginning do so.I Cleary wasn't thinking and it was never my intention to be so insensitive. God I am so,so sorry.I wish I were able to take your demons away or at least not feel failure again having not been again there to have prevented these acts from happening to such caring, loving and compassionate women.You have no idea of the anger and taste of absolute disgust in my mind and heart of hearing your stories.Like Mark,I to am amazed at your strength & your power to carry yourselves the way you do-you are both pillars to my underlying strength to go on-yet my issues seem so insignificant to yours.I feel all of my personal physical issues don't belong here,maybe just another failure on my part in being so insensitive and thoughtless,or again not being able to help save others-or at least consider their feelings.Sh#t I feel so awful.I will in time find a way to deal with my PTSD demons and the horrors that go with my mortal injury, but my thoughts of "am I man enough"?I cannot forgive myself for writing yet alone thinking such insensitive selfish thoughts.I was ready to drain the hurt of today's counselling session but now realise there is too much pain in this world and me adding mine onto,the pile of those who have endured far more of it then I have-I'm man enough to know better.Sorry💔🔵

Hi Sara,

Just want to say how much I have appreciated your post that explains very well how our brains work.

When I consider all you have written it, it makes me realise that it is possible to re-wire the brain, that different situations require different thought patterns.

It is reassuring also to be reminded of the chemical balances of the brain. Even the most positive thoughts in the world will not heal a damaged mind and soul over night. Adding positivity and re training the brain is so beneficial.

You seem like an incredibly informative, courageous, caring person.

Hugs of compassion to you as well.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Hi Navy Blue,

It is understandable that you wanted to stop thinking about the negatives for a while. When dealing with intense issues, it is beneficial to try and find enjoyable moments and activities as well to balance out your day.

Let us know how we may be able to help you in all of this.

Like Sara mentioned, I too have been thinking about your children. Would you like to share a little about them?

I was in a shop a couple of days ago. Two girls aged about 3 and 5 were with their Mum who was busy looking at clothes and on her phone. I was chatting away to her girls for about 20 minutes. They were so cute and adorable.

Years ago an encounter like that would have had me running out of the shop in tears. I have been pregnant 5 times, and do not have live children. We buried two babies who made it to 21 weeks gestation. For years I couldn't walk down the baby aisle in stores.

Women keep having babies. My sisters did. My girlfriends did. Babies are everywhere you look...especially so when you don't have one yourself.

I was told I would never carry a baby to full term. I could shut myself away or decide to keep living. I started to enjoy other people's children. I embraced the love and joy they gave me. I started to work in child care.

A grief counsellor helped me to put my thoughts and memories into perspective. To not BLAME MYSELF for the baby's deaths. There was nothing I could have done differently to ensure those babies lived. Nothing. Nothing at all. I had to accept that. I had to let go of MY feelings of blame so I could move on.

It does get easier. Life is worth living despite the hurt, pain and traumas that may come our way.

Find ways to let go of the pain. It does not mean that you diminish the value of the people who died, it means you are honouring LIFE by living.

Now on a cheerier note, if you would like to, tell us a funny story about your children...

Sending you encouragement to embrace a new day. Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Gday mate, this is all part of the journey that PTSD is but you need to break down the negativities that are going on inside your brain and tackle each one.

You are stuck in the world of negative and we need to get you out of it. Can you please do something for me.

Each night you go to bed, i want you to think of three good things that happened to you that day - perhaps even write them down. One today would be the doughnut flavored pancakes (sounds delish) and then add two more. It doesn't have to be anything large just small things that is a positive. I want you to remember to do this every night for the next 21 nights. Why 21? Because to create habit you need to do something for 21 days straight. Another awesome thing that happens is that you have re-wired your brain to scan the world for positives rather than negatives which so many humans, including those that are mentally healthy do.

I have done this and i can say that it worked a treat for me. Just about everything now i can flip the negative to a positive.

Keep engaging with us here, you have a tonne of support and no one is going anywhere.

Mark.

Hi Navy Blue,

I agree with Mark, the pancakes sound excellent! I also like his idea of writing down three positive things each night.

Sometimes in the morning before I get out of bed, I think about the things I feel I need to do during the day and then consider the pleasurable things I can do to help balance my day.

You don't need to apologise for anything you have written here. The moderators do read everything, so they "clean" up the posts when necessary as we do have younger people reading these threads as well.

In a small way I understand your issues about feeling man enough as I experienced the confusion, hurt and sense of loss my husband went through when he had testicular cancer. Our relationship has changed. We are still together, so I guess that is the main thing.

By sharing part of my story, I was certainly in no way trying to make you or anyone feel like their problems do not matter. It was more like acknowledging I too have had some painful moments and comprehend to some extent the issues surrounding mental health.

My life has not all been tough. My husband loves me and cares for me in his own way. I have some great friends.

I have 3 pet chooks who are hilarious at times. I love it when they join me in the garden.

Today I had lunch with friends and we had a great laugh together.

I have a couple of nieces who I am very close to and share time with.

Next week I am spending some time with my sister near the beach, so rain shine or hail I will be enjoying some beach walks! Might even make a sandcastle. I did that one day by myself and a few people looked at me like I was very strange. Ha. Ha.

We are all on a journey Navy Guy, some days are golden others not so. Like Mark wrote the trick is to try to change the negatives into positives when you can.

I'm not saying at all that you need to push your hurts and pain down, that won't help much. We/I are here to listen and to support you. ( Even though I will be away for a couple of days! Not sure if I will have internet access)

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Hey Mark;

Your wise counsel has been invaluable to me, and I'm sure to Navy Blue, Mrs D and anyone reading who's suffered the debilitating affects of PTSD. So a big thankyou..I'm also in awe of your ability to pull yourself to safety (so to speak) after enduring not just the trauma, but the after affects that caused such confusion and pain; then to formally speak about it to others - educating the masses. Well done legend!

Mrs D...I'm blown away by your candour, and pain suffered through your plight of womanhood...just tragic. Your strength, courage and determination is even more awe inspiring dear lady...amazing. You still manage to have a caring heart for others too...beautiful

Thanks also to Paul for joining NM's support group; as a BB Champion and as a man. You have a way with words that calm and zero in on specific statements to enlighten and encourage us all. I've always been a fan...

A big hello to Kaz too! I've said it before, your words are gold; I love reading them..they always inspire..just lovely. You've had your share of tragedy, personal strife and pain, but are here with us sharing the love...you move me.

Finally, Navy Blue...as you can read in my comments above, you've created one of the most powerful threads I've ever seen on this forum. The compassion and experience being put forward, originally on your behalf, has morphed into a healing process for all concerned; sharing and opening our innermost thoughts and memories, along with magic advice and unsurpassed caring.

...and I think to myself, what a wonderful world...

I say 'healing', because due to these posts I've had to confront some of my own confused thinking. Your courage has helped me to look within (again) to find yet more anger. This has nothing to do with you as a man; it has to do with my 'thinking and behavioural patterns' regarding love and family, and how devastating the affect mental health issues have on the family unit as a whole.

Mark has given quality advice for positive thinking and outlook. We have a thread called; '3 things to be thankful for today' in the 'staying well' section if you want to start there on your 21 day challenge.

I'm so grateful for your presence here on BB. Writing about your suffering will never be in vain.

Much support...Sara xo

Hey Sara, no probs - my pleasure. It is all about flipping my negative around to a positive so if I am helping, then happy days. Just like yourself and all the others, positivity and teachings. Brilliant.

Navy Blue: have you connected with SoldierOn as yet? Connecting with your peers is so close to being as powerful as a psych session. I know to be among my own when i was hurting was just so so valuable. Hope today is going as good as it can for you.

Mark.

NB, that is brilliant. Check out the link - https://www.soldieron.org.au/how-we-help/soldier-on-reintegration-network/ for all the reintegration centers that SO runs. The name is the key, "Reintegration" center. You will meet other busted up military members which will be really good for you.

So glad that you are taking this course of action. We can chat here all we want and give advice and thoughts but to be sitting beside someone having a chat and working out your issues are not that uncommon among peers, so so powerful. Looking forward to hearing how it all goes.

Mark.

An absolutely stunning post and response Navy Blue Man!

I am grateful and humbled...

Your writing style is amazing and a great addition to the forum. I'm so glad you've starting to journal, I've been doing it for more than 20 yrs. The benefits are many and will prove its worth when comparing who you are today verses who you'll be in 12 months time etc.

I'd like to quote from your post;

'You will find an amazing emotional relief here-from your mind-a cathartic experience whereby in a safe,secure and trusted environment you will not be judged or rediculed, you'll only find offers to compassionately help the healing process through endless support'

How beautifully written...golden words from a man in his early recovery process a short while after pleading for urgent support. Does love conquer all? We're spreading the love NM...how insatiable and very, very infectious!

I, like you, found my voice and creativity on BB. My love of words began as a child writing stories at school. (Compositions) Unfortunately I had a teacher who belittled my words as being too long and laborious. I was hurt and dismayed by her comments and never really put much effort in after that.

It's the feeling within NM; of light and joy when my fingers hit the keys while in 'that' mode. Writing has given me a focus and purpose after my breakdown; so dearly needed to fill the gap of uselessness due to not working and giving anymore.

I can read between the lines (your magical and engaging words) how you're beginning to accept this disorder as being a catalyst for change and personal development, instead of being an unbreakable chain around your ankles. Wonderful progress my friend!

(Just a note on describing specific medication; the rules state we can't disclose or discuss these on the forum. This is a medical issue best left to GP's and other practitioners. No biggie though...all good. Using terms such as anti anxiety medication, AD's or benzo's is acceptable. This seems to satisfy posters.)

So, here's to your progress and discovering your latent love of words. (Klink go the glasses as we toast to your success)

Patiently anticipating your future creative and inspirational entries NM...Sara xo

Hi Navy Blue Man;

Yes...I'm crying with admiration and heartfelt relief for you. Your post has given me validation my words are not in vain and can make a difference.

I read all your words in awe and gladness. I wish you well in your physical recovery too. I hope it's as speedy and successful as your emotional recovery process.

I love that you're so loving and precious with your kids. They're very lucky indeed to have you as a Dad.

Finally, your statement; I AM MORE THAN MAN ENOUGH! was the impetus for tears to roll down my cheeks. I can't begin to tell you how very, very proud I am of you.

I will miss your presence, but it is bitter SWEET. So happy you're prioritising and doing the doing.

Many warm thoughts and mega Hugs...Sara

Very best to you Navy Blue - you are man enough (we knew that all along, now you do too!)

And I want to agree with Sara that this thread is one of the best I've seen on the forum. I am grateful to you NB, and to all the others who have shared so much, so powerfully here.

Hope you don't have to stay away too long - and I look forward to hearing how things go with Soldier On.

Cheers mate

Kaz

There you go, isn't it a sweet time when the mind shifts from a negative into a positive.

Great stuff NM. Good luck with the physical healing and really keen to hear how you go with SoliderOn. Like minded people have such a massive influence on ones own well being.

Keep fighting, you got this.

Mark.

Hi Navy Blue and Everyone,

Every single one of us benefits immeasurably when we are content enough to be the person we are today. We each can decide to make changes for the better, to increase our knowledge, wisdom, love and care for others. Or what ever it may that you desire to obtain.

None of us will know how much our words and sharing may have affected people who read but choose not to contribute.

In time, we may here from Navy Blue and learn more of his journey.

Another guy may post here questioning his own insecurities regarding if he is many enough. Or it may be a female wanting to know if she is woman enough. Or anybody of any gender identity questioning their place in life and their purpose.

This thread has been quite a journey for many people.

Let's keep our hearts and minds open for Navy Blue and for anyone else who pops by here needing assistance.

Once again I am in awe of the care, consideration, acceptance and encouragement shared on this forum.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

You touched my heart Mrs D...tearing up..

How beautiful you are...your sentiments are reiterated by me...thankyou so much.

Warm hug...Sara xo

Outstanding post Mrs D. We are all intertwined by a unique set of circumstances in that we have faced significant challenges throughout out lives and are choosing to make this extremely negative scenario a positive one by helping others whilst also helping ourselves.

I think you hit the nail right on the head with your post saying that hopefully Navy Blue has benefited from our posts and his journey is somewhat easier than it was previous to engaging the BB forum but at the same time, I think there would be a whole heap of people who would have read this thread and got some comfort out of it.

Just a fabulous place to be this is.

Mark.

Hi Sara, Mark and everyone reading this,

Thanks for your comments. There have been many times when people on this forum have helped me immensely.

Hopefully if someone else reads this thread, they may feel comfortable enough to reach out for help as well.

In time Navy Blue may reconnect and share his journey with us.

It would be wonderful if mental health issues had a STOP button, for some of us that is not the case.

We have all shared a little of our own journey here, maybe we have opened up old wounds we might like to share further.

For me, leading up to Christmas is a time of sadness and renewed grief as I think of the children we do not have here with us. There is still a sense of loss. Add that to the dysfunctionality of both our families and Christmas is not a pleasant experience.

In years past my husband and I have been ignored from family gatherings because we do not have children. We would invite family to our place for Christmas, but they would not come because we did not have children.

Parents said they wanted to be with Grand children. Siblings wouldn't come then if the parents weren't attending. Sister in law stated they wouldn't come as her children would not have any kids to play with. Then the families would organise get togethers with their partners families as they all had children.

My husband surprised me yesterday by saying he has booked us a holiday from December 19th to the 27th! We will be having Christmas together, alone, if only I could leave the hurt and sadness of Christmases past in the past!

One of the reasons I sign off as Mrs Dools is because most days my husband only needs a house keeper, I have no live children, I have a strained relationship with my Mum who always wanted a son but had another daughter instead, and if I don't contact my in-laws we never hear from them as my husband doesn't see the need to call them.

On this forum I can be who I always desired to be, a person with a heart full of love and care for others. People here accept that. For some of those closest to me in real life my best is never good enough for them. I often question if I am woman enough. I'm trying to change that.

I will embrace who I am, starting from right now!

Cheers all from a teary and empowered Mrs. Dools xxx